Jacqueline Hyde
( Warner Home Video Region 1 NTSC DVD)
(2005)
review by Meatsock

So I was sent a copy of Jacqueline Hyde for review when I signed on to this gig. I figured "What the hell, looks like a decent titty flick." Trouble is, after 94 minutes of regurgitated storyline, public service announcement CG work and FX that would be the laughing stock of a 5th grade science fair, I still had no titties. When a man reaches a certain age (especially in this neck of the woods) he holds certain things in high regard - his dog, a six pack and a great set of milk sacks. Like any breast enthusiast would, I checked everywhere for the lost sweater meat. Under the couch - no. In the DVD's extras - no. Hell, I even shook the box! Reality sunk in..... the women in this film were mammary endowed like the high school boys' swim team. 3 Films into this review job and I feel that I'm bearing a curse of some sort.

Back in the day, when the USA network would have its "Up All Night" series going, films like Jacqueline Hyde would fly. Shoot, I'd go so far as to say it would gain some sort of cult status. Why? The temptation of abundant nudity, but instead of a topless shot the show would cut to either Gilbert Godfried or Rhonda Shear, delivering their shameless one liners. But the false premise of scantily clad women showing their bosom kept people watching.... well, at least I kept watching. Nowadays, porno has become mainstream and the thrill of nudity is just that - a thrill. The sheer curiosity that tugs at a man's sleeve, the wonder of what lies beneath that awful low budget wardrobe. It's a shadow of what it used to be. And damn it, I'd be lying if I didn't get pissed off every time one of these women disrobed in Jacqueline Hyde and all I gots was a stare down from a swollen nipple!

Now that I've sparked a flame under every hairy armpitted feminist fan of the site, onward to the film itself! A far cry from Robert Louis Stevenson's original "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," Jacqueline Hyde is more or less a glorified skin flick with a horror twist. From the onset of the film's credits, the sex scenes are gratuitous and overdone to a point where one wonders if Warner Brothers actually viewed the script before optioning the film. Inheriting an old house full of antiques and mystical laboratories, Jackie doesn't take long to discover a secret stash of potions that enable her to morph her otherwise ordinary body into that of a (chuckle) stunning sex machine named Jacqueline. Full of sexual frustration, Jacqueline is able to ensnare every throbbing penis that would normally shy away from giving her alter ego the time of day. So naturally, she fucks all of them.

The catch to this story is that Jacqueline gets so worked up in her fits of passion that she eventually ends up screwing her lovers to death. In rather poor fashion, the male bodies drop like flies and Jackie starts to see that her "better half" isn't exactly worth the orgasmic endeavors. The dilemna is now dropped in the viewer's lap like a sack of deer corn - does Jackie give up her now fruitful sex life or continue parlaying as Freddy Krueger with a vagina? Truly mindblowing, I know.

Forgive me for showing my ass on this one, but Jacqueline Hyde is a major letdown from any viewpoint. The film itself is horrible - from the acting to the score and FX work. The one aspect, nudity, that could have salvaged this train wreck of a film exposed the greatest variety of deflato-titties my eyes have ever seen. I mean, give me a damn break! At least provide some sort of visual stimulation to keep the audience occupied as their brains swat feverishly at the "stupid bugs" that have invaded their heads.

The high score on the disc goes to its extras, which for all intents and purposes are more meaningful than the film itself. Let the commentaries and featurettes be guidelines for aspiring directors/producers who need to learn what not to do when creating a horror skin flick. And please, don't be fooled by the false advertisement of "Hot" deleted scenes as a Bonus Feature on the Uncut Edition. That is, unless, you're one of those weirdos that find young boys with vaginas attractive.