Legion of the Dead
(2000)
review by Don't Feed the Dead

On my DVD copy of Wendigo there was a trailer for Legion of the Dead which actually made the movie seem like it was a must have. So I figured, let's at least rent the DVD before we buy it, just in case it turns out to be bad. Holy Fucking Premonition, Batman! This has to be one of the worst fucking movies I have ever seen in my short existence.

We start our journey into complete boredom and idiocy by joining our 2 "heroes" as they trek through the California desert on the way to meet an old friend of theirs. (I purposely omit the actual beginning of the movie because it was plain stupid) Whilst on their travels they decide to hitchhike a ride from some old coot that looks like he hasn't bathed in weeks and probably pees his pants for fun. Well, the nice old man turns out to be a foaming-at-the-mouth serial killer that kidnaps our two leads and forces them to pee their pants and watch bible tv. All the while these two buffoons are being harassed, we're introduced to another dynamic duo in suits who are trying to recruit poor country bumpkins for Satan's Legion of the Dead. The comic duo is I guess supposed to parallel Travolta and Jackson from Pulp Fiction with their witty dialogue and wry jokes, but let's face it, they just don't cut it.

Cut to the introduction of a really hot chick tending bar at some dive in a lonely town. She's got a bit of a mean streak in her and she raises hell when a couple of dudes try to rob a hardware store. What was she doing in the hardware store? Perhaps buying some plaster for the great special effects team designated to this movie. But something ain't right with this chick, she's a shapeshifter! Just as we are enjoying the view of the hot shapeshifter, we're brought back to our heroes as they're being dragged back to the desert to be killed by Mr. Pissy Pants. Anyways, lets cut through the shit - they don't die, they're saved by their Old Friend Joe, and end up in the same town as the Shapeshifter hottie. Now the movie gets *ahem* interesting. If you're able to follow the storyline up to this part, yer doin' better than I did.

Apparently Satan has amassed an army large enough for his conquest (I counted seven) and begins to descend on lonely town, CA. Our 2 heroes situate themselves in the bar with the hottie shapeshifter, and the bar has suddenly turned into a big fucking party. Not bad for a dive in the middle of nowhere. But wait, things are getting linear until the two main characters begin having sexual hallucinations! Now Satan has descended upon the same bar and he wants to lay claim to his lost love, which happens to be the shapeshifter hottie that our lead is having wet dreams over. An "epic" battle ensues and more people die than I recognized cast in the movie.

I have major problems with this movie, hence the Total Shit rating. First of all, who the fuck casts a Fabio look alike (Hues) as Satan? Second of all, terrible plot aside, the acting was comparible to a fourth grade production of "Pirates of Penzance". I mean, how do people actually consider themselves professional actors when they noticably read off of cue cards? Thirdly, for such a low budget production, where do the producers come off by trying to sell this piece of shit as a new age "Dusk Till Dawn"? The Tarantino suck offs were so goddamm obvious it hurt at times. Poor casting, poor plot, poor acting, sub-par effects and do we want to go into DVD special features? I didn't care much for the finished product, so why should I watch the "making of" documentary? Lost scenes - keep 'em hidden. Character bios - you mean there was character development? I wouldn't even let this shit pose as a coaster on my coffee table.

For the love of god, don't even pick this movie up off the shelf or we might give Ittenbach a reason to create another masterpiece.