Nine Lives
(Lions Gate/Fox Region 1 DVD)
(2004)
review by Don't Feed the Dead
Make
an internet porno, the world believes you're a star. Well, star she
is not, and Paris Hilton really sucks. If you've seen the internet porn
movie, you know she also does not suck well.
So here I am trotting through Blockbuster and I see Nine Lives, starrring
the affomentioned heiress to Rick Solomon's cock snot. I figured, what
the hell, I need a good laugh. In retrospect, I may have slurred my
words into "I need a good nap," because Nine Lives was the
most boring, repetetive and trite film I have seen this year.
The plot you ask? Nine friends meet up at an abandoned Scottish mansion
to yuck it up and get drunk. Mind you, they are all ridiculously wealthy
(yet no one has a working cell phone) and spend the first 30 minutes
of the film bragging about each other's success. Right off the bat I
knew this would be a snoozer, yet I succumbed to the morbid curiosity
of the death scenes and was determined on seeing this puppy through.
Whilst rummaging through the estate library, some knucklehead stumbles
upon a book written about the original owner of the house, and how his
eyes were gouged out once the place was taken from him. Then, like a
sorry teenager's magic trick, the pages in the book began to read "I
have returned." I quickly got up, grabbed the bottle of Citron
and began doing shots like it was my last night on Earth. I was preparing
myself for a nice little poltergeist movie with some interesting murder
scenes, right? Wrong, I was dooming myself to the equivelant of watching
Ishtar in Russian with no subtitles.
A word of advice to the director, Mr. Andrew Green: if you are going
to make a film where the dialogue is shitty and the actors are even
worse, how's about giving the viewer some sort of eye candy like nudity
or FAKE BLOOD!
I mean, seriously folks, every death that took place in this film was
with a gag "bleeder" knife to the abdomen. I could see that
at the local theater, with better quality actors..... and the possiblity
of a wardrobe malfunction.
Anyways, after about 5 or 6 cat naps, I woke up to the end credits and
figured that there might be some extras worth laughing at. Wrong again,
Mr. Schmitt. The only *cough* extra provided on the disc is a ridiculous
interview session with the cast about the roles their characters play.
Hardly interesting, and definitely not worth the 45 seconds it took
for me to fast forward through.
Don't be tempted by the premise that Paris Hilton graces the cover of
this film. She does not get naked, and thankfully, she dies within the
first alf of the movie. Lord knows I couldn't even get satisfaction
when imagining her head in my lap after this stellar performance. Beware,
this movie is very bad, and not the good kinda bad.
