Once Bitten
(MGM Region One DVD)
(1985)
review by Big McLargehuge

I'd always had fond memories of Once Bitten, I guess it’s because I had spent so many hours watching vampire movies (grades A-Z) as a kid and back in 1985 the idea of a funny vampire film was both refreshing and timely.

Right, so I was a dumb-assed 16 year old in 1985. What the hell did I know?

Once Bitten has not aged at all well. The idea of blending a teen sex comedy (the corpses of hundreds litter the calendar of the 80s) with a sultry take on the vampire mythos could have been really fun. The problem is Once bitten borrows the clothes and music of the former and the worst parts of the latter to create an absolutely vanilla offering that fails to be either funny, sexy, or scary.

Compared to such similar genre offerings as Fright Night and The Lost Boys, Once Bitten comes in last.

Penned by David Hines, Jeffrey Hause, and Robert Pierce Once Bitten’s script recycles elements from other teen comedy movies, and poorly at that. We get sexually clueless leads with friends who border on retarded, a virginal girlfriend who works at the mall, concerned but powerless parents, a school dance (i.e. The Big Dance), effeminate chauffeurs, and Lauren Hutton as the ideal older woman who is both beautiful and insatiable.

The one real saving grace of the film is Jim Carey, this was, after-all, one of his first feature roles and though he’s given absolutely nothing to work with still manages to pull of the role of Mark Kendall, sexually frustrated ice cream truck driver.

It’s kind of interesting to watch just how much Carey puts into the part. I thought he was really funny back when this was first released, but his later roles, especially the lunatic ones like Ace Ventura and Lloyd Christmas really highlight the subtlety of his acting skill in his earlier work.

Mark Kendall is the high school doofus archetype that populate virtually all successful teen sex comedies, frustrated that his girlfriend won’t give up the crevice, and saddled with the horror of being approximately 27 years old and still in high-school, not to mention having the most stereotypical “women won’t touch me even for money” job in film. Mark Kendall drives an ice cream truck.

That’s a lot of shit for a high-school er... kid?... to carry around.

One night he and his friends (who wear funny hats and work in a clown shaped burger stand) sneak off to Hollywood with “fake” IDs in tow to try and score with women. It is here that Kendall meets The Countess played by Lauren Hutton.

Lauren Hutton is a 400 year old vampire in need of virgin blood before the last stroke of midnight on All Hallows Eve. She spots Mark Kendall immediately and thus begins our exploration of modern vampires in need of virgin blood while trying to live in modern LA where, apparently, everyone with even a single pube is knocking flesh like nymphomaniac rabbits.

This aspect of the film is rather well handled, and though it never gets anywhere near as fun as the similarly themed Love at First Bite, it offers a weird nostalgia for the days when people apparently kept their urges in check until they were married. The whole sentiment is kind of weird in a film where all the characters are desperately searching got hot monkey love.

Lauren Hutton maintains the services of all the people she’s converted to vampirism, who combined, have about two lines in the film and are largely irrelevant. She also has a familiar, Sebastian played by classically trained actor Cleavon Little. What the hell was wrong with Cleavon Little? Why did he take this part? I realize the guy’s dead now, and it’s probably bad taste to wonder about his past decisions, but how in the hell did he go from the fantastic performance in Blazing Saddles to swishy chauffeur Sebastion (and later Calculus Jones in Fletch 2).

Anyone could have played Sebastian, and Cleavon Little knew this, because he obviously phones in his performance.

Kendall is torn though between his long time love the ever chaste Robin Pierce (Karen Kopins) and the persistent Countess. This sets to the stage for a showdown at, you guessed it, the school dance where TV director Howard Storm demonstrates his love for the school dance in Grease. Then moves to the stately manor of The Countess where Mark and his dork friends must rescue Robin, then rescue Mark before The Countess gets her last drink of virgin blood.

This isn’t to suggest that ALL of the movie is bad. There are some really funny moments (and I stress moments) buried in here, especially the scene when Mark’s friends are looking for bites on his inner thigh in the gymnasium shower. And like any teen sex comedy we also have several moments of absolute agony as the clueless friends practice horrific pickup lines on unsuspecting women. These never, ever, ever offer any entertainment unless squirming around waiting for the scene to end is entertainment. Beats me, I don’t know what you’re into.

Aside from the lackluster script, Howard Storm’s career as an episodic TV director really, really shows. Every scene begins with a long establishing shot, just like a standard issue sitcom, and he sticks a montage or two in every 30 minutes which suggests he doesn’t understand the pacing of a 90 minute feature.

Still, it’s several million orders of magnitude better than John Hughes’ self indulgent teen-themed effluent....

Where was I?

Oh right, Once Bitten...

The soundtrack contains several songs that sound exactly like 80s music, because it is 80s music, no big surprise there, what is a surprise is that the soundtrack contains no recognizable singles from the era. Once Bitten uses a whole slew of songs by bands that no one has ever heard of, unless they are Once Bitten Fetishists.

MGM offers Once Bitten with virtually no extras except English, French, and Spanish subtitles, the original trailer, and a Spanish language track. All the lingo is mono so it won’t in any place tax your 5.1 system. It’s also presented in wide-screen which is probably the first time it’s been seen as such since opening weekend 1985.

If you’re into the whole 80s movie nostalgia and love rather tame teen comedies then Once Bitten is probably right up your alley.