Reign of Fire
(Region One DVD)
 (2002)
review by Billion$Baby

How many good dragon films are there? Exactly. And nothing has changed. Reign Of Fire is merely an excuse to show us how cool computer animated dragons look. But surely a much better story to be tagged around it could have been written? Also, weak direction that doesn't copy from numerous other monster action flicks would have been a significant bonus too. The actual premise was pretty good. Dragons destroy the Earth to feed upon the fresh ashes and then hibernate until the planet heals. Only to start anew later onafter a good sleep.

As soon as you watch an 8 year old schoolboy being allowed to visit the lower depths of a mine shaft to see his mother without even a construction hat on his head, you know you're in for an incredibly stupid film. And how many firms actually allow children into such dangerous environments, nevermind the child's mother expecting him to meet her there on a regulardaily basis. You may think that sounds churlish but this picture is absolutely chock-a-block full of these stupid little things.

Let's be generous and call the elevator scene at the start a "homage" rather than the Cameron's Aliens skank that it really was. And what's going on with some of the English accents?! Please...even Dick Van Dyke sounded more realistic than our leading man's accent. Johnny Depp, I'm sorry! I take it all back, your From Hell accent wasn't really that bad after all
.

And what about the American military guy that we meet? He has a shaved head, an un-lit cigar ever present in his mouth, a shaved head and a remarkable capacity to remind you just how good Duvall really was in Apocalypse Now. I've seen more convincing characterisations in Wacky Races cartoons than this one here. Is it supposed to be over the top? Yes, probably. Does it work? No, definetly not.

Cue stupid machismo sequences between "American man"
and "English man". Lots of shouting and bravado for us to turn pink over. Which one are we supposed to root for? They're both idiots.

Also, congratulations to Reign Of Fire for delivering the most fabulously bad scene ever made. "English man" is a leader of a castle stronghold which has about 40 or so children hidden there. How do you entertain the children? There's no more television or radio anymore. Ah, what a great script idea, we now watch two men deliver a heavily abbreviated Star Wars semi-play to the children. Were we actually supposed to laughing here?! I flushed red with embarassment. This is the worst scene in mainstream motion picture history to date. Full stop. What a horribly back-firing moment this was. You've got to see this part of
R.O.F. to appreciate the sheer badness level that this entire sequence aspires to.

Let me try to explain. We watch two community leaders performing a reasonably lengthy Darth Vader vs Luke Skywalker segment with their little wooden lightsabers. I can almost handle that. What makes the scene legendary is the numerous shots of the kid's enthralled faces as if this is the most exciting and impressive thing that they have ever seen in their lives, rather than just a couple of embarassing munties hamming it up on stage. The kids have all got wide staring eyes, stretched open mouths and they all take exaggerated sharp intakes of breath at regular intervals. The kids practically give a standing ovation and beg for more when they've finished. This is the most embarassing sequence that I have ever had the misfortune to watch so kudos to the makers for that remarkable achievement.

What a great plan "American man" has for killing dragons. His troops attract the dragon with their helicopter, then (check this out) some of them parachute out in some bizarre plan to slay the beast. The average life expectancy for these parachutists must be three weeks or less if they're lucky. Three jump out and one survives. I was supposed to be laughing when one of them didn't open his 'chute and hit the dirt, wasn't I? I hope so. That's kind of the way the nationalities work in this film. The Americans just jump in (or out) without any thought in a very brave but stupid manner and mostly get wiped out. The British prefer to hide away cautiously and perform the occasional feat of plucky bravery that somehow pays off. But also mostly get wiped out.

Oh yeah, Dr Bashir (spelling?) from Star Trek is also here in yet another pointless two-dimensional role. Why is he here? Who knows, who cares, he might as well not be. We see him every now and again where he spouts a couple of plot advancing remarks.

The only reason that Reign Of Fire gets one mark is for the amazing dragon effects. Otherwise it would get it's deserved zilch mark from me. The dragons are as cool to watch as that swimming xenomorph was in Alien Resurrection. Take those 20 minutes away and imagine what the film would be like without them. $95 million, you have got to be joking! Condolances to the talented computer programmers and a sack of shit to the director and writers of this pointless, cliched and formulaic rubbish. This film makes the Jurassic Park equivalents look like fine art.

When you see more convincing characters and actions in your below average comic books or even in a film like Jason X, you know something has gone seriously wrong. What a complete waste of celluloid. I may still buy this for the same reason that I like having a copy of Exorcist II. But not until I see it for a fiver in the sales or a second-hand section somewhere. Trust me, it won't take long.

This is so bad that it's worth seeking out almost for that reason alone. McLargehuge would love it!

FOOTNOTE.

Right, strange as it may seem, I later decided to buy my own copy of this dvd. It's amazing what excellent computer animation can do for an otherwise terrible film.

As you'd expect from a new movie, the picture and sound quality are both excellent. The extras? Well, we get around 30-35 mins of stuff to watch. The highlight easily being the 10 minute featurette on the cgi work, and these quotes from two specific individuals which well and truly hammer the last nail into Reign Of Fire's coffin.

Rob Bowman - 'You have to create a completely realistic world...'

Matthew McConaughey - 'It was an obvious angle to take a cartoon aspect. Rob never wanted to do that and you're gonna believe that this world would and could exist.'

Rob Bowman - 'There's a rule by which I work in scary movies, which is...okay, you want it to be scary. Got it. It's only scary as long as it's real. It's only as real as the characters. So in order for the movie to be scary, you have to have real characters. You have to put ordinary people that we recognise from the audience up against these extraordinary opponents.'

A. The characters and their world aren't remotely realistic.

B. The film isn't remotely scary. So there must be something to that Rob Bowman theory.

I can think of 95 million reasons why this film should have been a lot better.