I make it a general rule not to read James Patterson's books, because I've seen one in my parent's bathroom with the bookmark in the same place for close to three months before it magically ended up on the yard sale table, bookmark unmoved. Now, my dad reads some shit novels, and for him NOT to finish one is a warning to me to avoid at all costs.

Surprisingly, that very same novel was made into a film back in 1999, and that film was Kiss The Girls. Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd headlined the bill, and I thought "Wow, how bad can it be?"

The answer was very bad. So I went into Along Came A Spider with ZERO expectations, and I'm pleased to say my expectations were well met.

Along Came A Spider is apparently a prequel to Kiss The Girls, although, one wouldn't notice or care, since this is basically rubbish, and this story's past, present, or future are inconsequential to me.

In a nutshell ACAS centers around a kidnapping of a relatively minor politician's daughter by a criminal mastermind named Soneji (Wincott), who wears a disguise so painfully obvious that the films credibility is thrown out the window within the first five minutes. Picture Mike Myers in his Fat Bastard make-up, with a novelty store Glasses and Nose combo and you'll get my drift. The fact that Soneji has been in this disguise working at a school for important people's kids (with Secret Service guards in every nook and cranny no less) for two years without SOMEONE so much as throwing him an inquisitive stare is beyond the realm of possibility.

Suffice it to say, Soneji kidnaps the girl and narrowly escapes the schools security. He then makes contact with down on his luck Detective Alex Cross (Freeman) and lures him into the case, alongside secret service agent Jezzie Flannigan (Potter, the poor man's Julia Roberts), and the sparks fly as Crossand Flannigan go all jungle love in the....

Hehehe, no, I jest. But it would have been more feasible than what comes next, and at least the site if Potter's ta-ta's would have added a half a skull to the review. Alas, there is nothing that should make you want to ever watch this movie, or the paltry behind the scenes documentary, interviews, or flip through the cast and crew bios.

If you do, however, insist on watching this movie, let me say this right now.If you don't guess the ending in the first 20 minutes, you should re-evaluateyour mental state and apply for dissabilty pronto.