Bats (1999)
review by Head Cheeze

There should be a ratings system that rates movies from good to bad, and then lastly to Lou Diamond Phillips. You know, like 5 stars for Schindlers List, 1 star for Freddy Got Fingered, and just a picture of Lou Diamond Phillips for anything he is in, thus stating it's crap because he is involved. Seriously, what was the last good movie this guy got top billing in? Route 666? Sorry, that one rated a Lou Diamond Phillips to me. See? It works!

Anyway, the Diamond one plays a cigar chomping sheriff of an Arizona town whose suddenly under siege by huge super intelligent bats. Dr. Sheila Casper (Meyer) is a bat specialist who is brought in to investigate, along with a small cadre of wormy government types who are obviously hiding something. Eventually, the super bats mate with regular bats and make an army of....better than average bats? Well those bats go off and start eating more people and Leon says funny things in ebonics and we all laugh and...........

Wait a minute? Why am I bothering with a description of this movie? Didn't I already say Lou Diamond Phillips was in it? That should be enough! This movie is crap, or more succinctly, GUANO! The special FX are special in the same way you would call a retarded kid special, and the script basically steals from every nature-gone-awry disaster flick ever made. The most clever aspect of this film is it's poster art with the upside down logo!

Seriously, avoid this movie. Avoid it even if it's in the bargain bin at K-Mart for 99 cents. Buy gum, buy moist towelettes, buy a friggin bar of soap, but just don't let this film take any of your money. It is that bad!

There are some extras on the disc, but they are extras ABOUT THE MOVIE, therefore they are also crap! Why would anyone watch this movie and want to see more about it? Do they think we'll say, "Wow, that was fucking awful, let me watch the Making Of Bats and see just how they got it to be so bloody awful!"

Okay, so I think I made myself clear, but just in case I didn't, here you go.

FUCK BATS!

There, that's better.