The Big Alligator River
(NoShame Region 0 NTSC DVD)
(1979)
review by MEATSOCK

Being that this is my first Italian horror film, I really don't want to offend many with harsh words and criticism. But being that I've been instructed to tell it like it is, I reckon this film just sucks. Trolling the message boards I've seen the praises sung of Argento, Bava and Soavi. I've even read some stellar reviews about some of Sergio Martino's films, but The Big Alligator River has to be the worst animal revenge flick since Jaws IV.

Now don't hear me wrong, No Shame does a great job of jazzing up the title with a booklet and all, but I reckon they could have added a piece of rubber shit to the box to forewarn the viewer. Supposedly taking place in Southeast Asia, Big Alligator River tells or attempts to tell the story of a "god like" alligator on a rampage at a club-med style resort. For starters, they might have well as made the damn movie a slide show, with this fuzzy ass photographer interrupting every scene with his "expose" style camera work. Am I watching America's Next Top Model? No, you fucking fuzzball, so put the Nikon in your side pouch and try to get some of that Barbara Bach. Instead, ol' Fritz here is taking pictures of native goodies, as if he were building a portfolio for National Geographic XXX posed.

Roughly 40 minutes and 5 MGDs into the film, we finally get a look at the mechanical gator that is awakened by the disturbance of tourism and some crazy Italian dude taking pictures of EVERYTHING. Much like the "Hulkamania" foam finger sitting in my closet, this "gator" doesn't seem like much of a threat and the natives have to do a hard sell for terror. Incredibly, the build up to the first kill looks more like a Mentos commercial than a crazed animal killing, and my nose hairs find themselves drowning in the MGD that came back up from my uncontrollable laughter. Hey, where's that guy to do the Mentos smile?

Ironically, after one of the first tourists to the resort is killed, the main characters seem pre-occupied with a giant alligator on the loose rather than the fact that their friend was eaten alive. I too, am pre-occupied, as the thought of grabbing my rifle, putting the barrel to my head and pulling the trigger with my toe seems like a more inviting thought than finishing this film. Honestly, there really isn't much to this disaster other than bad dubbing, worse acting and well... shit... I forgot.

Anyways, as I mentioned earlier, No Shame shouldn't be held accountable for Martino's Big Alligator River. After all, they did a grand job of luring the viewer, in this case, me, into buying the damn film because of their reputation for doing fine transfers and excellent extras. I must admit, the transfer is indeed done well, and the spectrum of extras is more than one would find on any common American 70's sleaze title. Just ask Brentwood home theaters.... but that's a review for another time. On this particular disc, No Shame adds interviews with Martino and Production Designer (who should borrow my rifle) Antonello Geleng, an original trailer and a nifty little book for the viewer to read while they're ignoring the shitty film that came along with it. The booklet is actually quite interesting as it features some wonderful blurbs on SUCCESSFUL animal revenge flicks. (And if you look really close you can see Barbara Bach's titty in one of the pictures).

So what does all this add up to? A booklet, a crappy film and a drunk redneck contemplating suicide. Odds are, I'll be staring down the barrel of a loaded weapon before I run out to grab another animal revenge film. Especially one that doesn't feature an anaconda or Ice Cube.