Bizarre
(aka; Secrets of Sex)
(Synapse Region 1 NTSC DVD)
(1969)
review by Room Full of Stoned Guys

Hey, Head Cheeze here! Summer's in full swing, and, well, time's been real tight around here as the wife is nagging for me to do stuff outside, go to the beach, etc. So, while I hate to do this, I handed off a few of the movies I had piling up to my neighbours, Bob, Gary and John. I know, I know; they made a mess out of their reviews of Burial Ground and Shatter Dead, but they promised that they would be on their best behavior for their look at Synapse's latest, Bizarre. As usual, I gave them the DVD's, a tape recorder, and $20 bucks for munchies, and this is what they came up with;

Bob: Hey peoples. This is Bob, Gary and John...
Gary: Wassup!
John: Wassup!
(all three, apparently): Wassup!!!
(group laughter, what sounds like several "high fives")
Bob: We're back 'cause the movie reviewin' dude said his woman 
wanted to go to some fair thing this weekend so...
John: Dude's whipped, man.
Gary: At least he's got a woman.
Bob: Who needs women when you got weed?
John: Yeah! Wooo Hooo!
Gary: I dunno, man. Don't you think that, like, there's more to life 
than, I dunno, smokin' and shit?
(silence)
Bob: Anyway, the movie we are watchin' today is called Bizarre.
John: It was originally called Secrets of Sex, but the title was changed
so that people didn't think it was a porn or somethin'.
Bob: Wow, man! That's good. How'd you know that?
John: It, uh, says it on the box, man.
Gary: Like, wouldn't it be awesome, man, to, like, have someone to 
hold you and shit, and tell you it's gonna be allright?
(silence)
Gary: What?
Bob: Dude, you're, like, wicked bummin' me out, m'kay? Why don't you
go get all Depeche Mode in the other room.
John: Yeh, man. No shit, huh?
Gary: Whatever, dudes.
(rustling sounds, mumbling.)
Bob: Okay, now that Mr.Brightside has left the room, we'll continue with
the movie.
John: Okay, this looks promising. We have three naked people...
Bob: Oh, they didn't...
John: Yep, they did. They just showed balls. I'm gonna puke.
Bob: What is it with British movies? They always show balls, man.
John: And chicks who are kinda fat.
Bob: I don't mind that so much but I think that one's got an appendectomy
scar.
John: And you know this one is old 'cause all of the boobs look, like, all
saggy and shit. This was, like, before implants.
Bob: And we have bush! 
John: Wow, lotsa bush! She needs, like, a trim. 
Bob: You be needin' a machete to get through that forest.
(laughter followed by the sound of more "high fives")
John: So, like, what's goin' on? I mean, it's been like ten minutes and, so
far, it's all been like naked guys and girls and that...is that a mummy?
Bob: Yeh, the mummy is sorta like the Crypt Keeper guy. He's tellin' the 
story.
John: But what's the story? They're just, like, naked. Now the dudes all 
have guns.
Bob: I think they're trying to say that guys are dumb and will do stuff for 
girls, like kill people.
John: Like Gary?
(voice from other room): Shut the fuck up!
John: Blow me, pussy!
Bob: Okay, see, this is like Tales from the Crypt, 'cause now it's another
story.
John: Is this one of those anthropologies?
Bob: Yeh, somethin' like that.
(long silence)
Bob: Well that sucked.
John: Did that dude just get his balls sliced off?
Bob: I dunno. Here's the mummy guy again. 
John: Why was this called Secrets of Sex? There's not really any sex.
Bob: I think it was to try and get horny British dudes to see it.
John: Gotcha.
(gurgling sound of bong/coughing)
Bob: That story was pretty good. Still, I wanna see more bush.
John: Yeh, the beginning was all crazy with naked chicks, but these
stories are, like, bad old T.V. shows.
Bob: Maybe they're savin' it for the last one.
(silence)
Bob: No. No sex in that one, either.
John: British chicks are pretty hot.
Bob: Yeah. That one was mad hot.
John: I was hopin' to see her titties.
Bob: Yeh, me too.
John: And here's the mummy again.
Bob: Woah! Here we go! More pointless nudity like in the beginning!
John: Yessir!
Bob: I'd be whackin' off if you weren't here.
John: No shit, man! 
(laughter, followed by an uncomfortable silence)
Gary: Hey guys, sorry I was...
(rustling sounds and mumbling)
Gary: Dudes! What the fuck are you doing?!
(tape recorder shuts off abruptly)

Ummm...thanks guys.

I should note that the DVD sports a bunch of extra goodies, including a pair of Anthony Balch's "experimental" films that feature William S. Burroughs, an audio commentary with producer Richard Gordon and film historian Tom Weaver, a video interview with the film's writer, Elliot Stein, and extensive liner notes/booklet!

Of course, I wouldn't know how any of the extras are as I refuse to touch the DVD or the smeared plastic bag it was returned in.