Black Roses
(1988)
review by Catwalk

Black Roses is the deadly tale of how lip-syncing is destroying American culture. Alright, not exactly, but stick with me. The film opens with a group of demons in front of a crowd of metal heads, performing Lizzy Borden's “Me Against the World”. Their performance turns the crowd into demons, much like Ashlee Simpson at the Super Bowl.

The opening credits are printed over a pair of Lamborghini's each rolling at about four miles an hour, into an empty town. The same band, now in human form, looks smuggly out at the next backwater hick town they're about to possess.

Just as Kevin Bacon rallied the troops to prove dancing wasn't evil in Footloose, the kids in this hick town, led by Johnny, want to prove that the Black Roses concert isn't evil. Of course, it is since the band is really demons. The plot change is as drastic as going from Kenny Loggins to Slayer.

In a way, the film can be considered a period piece, since tensions and media coverage in the late 80's was pretty heavy on these very issues. Tipper Gore succeeded in leading the PMRC to label and attempt to censor metal material. Twisted Sister's Dee Snider took the stand to defend freedom of speech, and labeling CD's with a warning system was born. However, in this tale, the characters are too cut and dry with the crusty old white people gathering en masse against the interchangeable teens for it to be convincing.

The children become demons around the 40-minute mark, with effects making the budget of the Evil Dead look like Titanic. That's when the movie spins into full-on evil, with the headbangers walking the streets, openly fighting and attacking the older generation. Then the parents start eating it one-by-one. Death by giant plastic monster, death by ashtray and death by IROC soon follow.

The demons are lead by buff, big-haired, crappy lip-syncing Damien. It's quickly the Satanists against the parents, as only one man in town, the English teacher, can stand in the demons' way. There's even an obligatory body double touching herself for ten seconds just to make the movie even racier. That's followed quickly by the foiled blow job as the hot broad grows an extended neck, rubber head and fangs.

When the teacher attempts to stop the rubber-suited demons, all hell breaks loose…or rather doesn't, cause he stops it. Something like that. The film also includes the obligatory “open for a sequel” ending, which thankfully never reached film.

John Martin, a veteran of years of The Young and the Restless, leads the cast as the understanding teacher, Mr. Moorhouse. John Swofford (Andromeda Strain, Thelma & Louise) is the other notable who can actually act. Notable cameos include metal drummer Carmine Appice (Vanilla Fudge, King Kobra, Ted Nugent, Rod Stewart) as the Roses' drummer, and the Soprano's Vinny Pastore as the first victim of the demons. Western veteran actress Juila Adams also appears. The soundtrack includes King Kobra, Tempest and Bang Tango, in addition to the Black Roses.

Being that it's just an old VHS tape and not a DVD, the extras are lmited to trailers for other goofy ass movies from the same studio (Imperial Entertainment), including an early Van Damme vehicle called Black Eagle. The common thread is that the acting is just as awful, but where Black Roses uses cheesy horror to replace acting, Black Eagle uses kung fu.

Also previewed is Obsession: A Taste for Fear, with the obligatory 80's feathered-hair model/assassin. The minute trailer includes more dark sunglasses than Corey hart and Huey Lewis' entire video catalogs combined.