My personal pick for most depressingly boring DVD of the year has to be The Brides Wore Blood. I realize we still have a ways to go in 2002, but I seriously doubt there is another film on anyone's release schedule that is nearly as downbeat, ugly, or relentlessly dull as this.

A young socialite is advised by a psychic to move to Florida to start her life anew. When she arrives, she meets an eccentric and wealthy old man who invites her to come to his mansion and meet his son and heir, who also happens to be a vampire. The woman is then raped and held captive after she is impregnated by the vampire, allowing us a couple of breast shots and some mild gore to distract us from the tedium that occupies every other frame of this crapfest.

Retromedia released this one simultaneously with Garden of the Dead, another low budget horror flick rescued from oblivion, but in Bride's case, it shouldn't have bothered. This movie is so dreary it literally sucks the life out of you, putting you in a mood usually reserved for rainy days and puppy deaths. I actually felt saddened, perhaps mourning for my lost 90 minutes and $14 bucks.

Off the subject for a second; Someone PLEASE tell me why Retromedia insists on putting that Son of Ghoul cable access guy on their DVDs?! This guy has got to be the most annoying man alive, and he introduces this flick by filling a midgets mouth with toothpaste and mouthwash to "help with his hygeine''. Does anyone find that funny? I know I didn't, and I can't see how this guy landed a gig doing anything but scraping gum off of sidewalks. If you live in Ohio (which is apparently where his show comes from) do me a favor and bitch-slap him if ya get a chance, kay?

Anyway, back to the DVD. Besides the Son of Ghoul crap, which is not an extra by any means, there's a barely watchable trailer and that's that. Done. Fin. Adios.

This coaster hit the "DVD's to sell" pile the minute it came out of the machine. Even if someone offers you this movie in trade for a piece of your own feces in a dirty styrofoam cup, they'd be making out better than you.

Can you tell I hated this fucking movie? Good.