Carrie
(Television Version)
(2002)
review by Head Cheeze

For obvious financial reasons, Hollywood can't leave well enough alone when it comes to Stephen King, making movies out of virtually anything the guy scribbles down (Grocery List: A Night of Horror probably isn't far around the corner). Most of the film adaptations of King's work have been downright awful, but there have been some exceptions; most notably Brian De Palma's campy and creepy take on King's first novel, Carrie. In a perfect world, De Palma's classic would have been the last word on Carrie White, but, of course, this is not a perfect world. NBC television decided it was high time we revisited the world of Carrie and her troupe of teen tormentors, and give it a little updating so today's kids can relate. That's right; Welcome to Carrie's Creek.

If you don't already know the story of Carrie, here it is in a nutshell. Carrie White (Bettis) is a high school outcast raised by a religious zealot mother (Clarkson) and brutalized by her peers. When Carrie discovers she has the ability to control things with her mind she keeps her cool until a night at the prom turns into a blood bath (literally) and Carrie goes apeshit and lays waste to everything in her path. Call it a coming-of-age-and-then-killing-everyone-you-know story. That's really all there is to the tale, which is why King's book, and De Palma's film worked so well. Simplicity.

Director David Carson, however, has been watching too many commercials, music videos, and episodes of Law and Order because he has taken the wonderfully sparse tale and added a batch of new characters (including a cop who is investigating the White Case) who had no business being there other than to make the film an hour longer than it needed to be so that NBC could sell that many more commercial spots. The interviews are with Chris (de Ravin) who is now black, which isn't a big deal in and of itself, it's just that it's obvious that they made her black for no reason other than to have a black person in the cast. The fact that de Ravin looks whiter than most white people I know makes her character's race a mute point, but the casting just reeks of a marketing ploy to give the film "crossover" appeal.

In addition to the new characters and plot threads, the teleplay by Carson and Bryan Fuller "hips" things up with a whole new lexicon of slang to mirror "modern" teens speaking habits, including loads of "Yo's", "Aight's" and "What-everrrrrrrr's", set to a background of grating alterna-pop and rap songs. Carrie, herself, is completely unsympathetic, with matted hair and frumpy clothes more befitting a homeless person. Most of the time Bettis looks like she's having seizures and mutters nonsense like Jodie Foster in Nell.

And of course what would any cinematic remake/abortion be without a BRAND NEW AND RIDICULOUS ENDING!?!?!

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT!!
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CARRIE DOESN'T DIE!!! She is shown hitching a ride at the end, leaving the way open for a possible television series!!!!! FUCKING RUBBISH! A TV show about a telikinetic mass murderer? What is she going to do? Slaughter hundreds from town to town while being chased by the same guys who are out looking for The Hulk and The A-Team?

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END SPOILER

While the film does have a few good moments, they are spread out over three very long and tedious hours that even the most forgiving of King fans will demand back by the time the end credits roll. The film's pacing is plodding at best, and not helped by the disorienting cinematography of Victor Goss whose style is a melange of soft-sell coffee commercial and amateur wedding videography.

Quite simply, there was no need for a new Carrie, especially one as poorly concieved as this one. Read the book, see De Palma's movie, hell, go out and kill your own pig and dump it's blood on your local religious nutter, just don't watch this tripe.