I've grown a bit tired of writing reviews for good movies, and it's been a while since I've taken a healthy shit on a sickly title. Luckily, all I have to do is walk 4 blocks to the local Blockbuster to find a complete stinker that will feed my need for a little destructive criticism. Said movie is Chuck Bowman's Dead Above Ground, starring Antonio Sabato, Jr. and that animal he wears on his head for the duration of the film.

Following the simplistic formula of "school outcast dies in horrible accident and comes back to kill the ones that picked on him", Dead Above Ground is probably the most lackluster title Lion's Gate has released in the last 2 years. Horrible acting, an extremely unattractive cast and some of the poorest special effects highlight this title's triumphant 2 year climb to the New Release shelf at your local video store. Seriously people, how do films like this get optioned and funded for release?

Poor Jeff Lucas is the troubled nephew of acclaimed producer George Lucas, caught up in the Celtic occult and frequently ostracized for his belief in soul transgression. Picked on by both students and faculty, Jeff leaves his peers with a promise for vengeance before driving his po-dunk car off a cliff during a less than stellar chase scene with rival Dillon (Weber). Shortly after Jeff's death, a rash of murders begin to occur amongst the scool's population, which draws the attention of Sgt. Dan De Sousa (Sabato Jr.) and his magical wig. Frustrated with the rate in which the film is moving, Jeff's girlfriend Zara suggests a seance to call upon Jeff's spirit in an effort to end the madness and put poor Jeff's soul to rest.

Remarkably, the same students and faculty that drove Jeff to his death agree to take part in the ceremony.

Predictably, Jeff's spirtit shows up and all hell breaks loose as the ghoul claims retribution against those that have wronged him.

Ridiculously, I continued to watch this movie fully aware that I was missing the Iron Chef on Food Channel. How I yearned for the cries of "Fuki-san! The ingredient the Iron Chef is now deep frying is the pickled testicles of the rare spotted blue octopus." But I digress.....

Sgt. De Sousa shows up at the house where the seance took place and comes face to face with the physical manifestation of Jeff's spirit, triggering a fight scene as authentic as Bill Clinton's face on a three dollar bill. Utilizing his defense tactics taught to him by Bel Air PD, and drawing power from the dead alley cat on his head, De Sousa is able to defeat Jeff's spirit and put an end to the madness which was Dead Above Ground.

As you can tell by my lack of praise for any aspect of this film, Dead Above Ground was most certainly Beyond Total Shit. To add insult to injury, Lion's Gate (who is usually noted for their extensive DVD extras on such films as Cabin Fever and House of 1,000 Corpses) leaves the disc bare bones, a definite no-no for movies that already leave the viewer feeling as though they have been ripped off.

If anything, Dead Above Ground (which I thought would have certainly been used as a title by Steven Segal) is good for a laugh or two, or a self esteem boost for ego shattered indie directors. Antonio Sabato Jr.'s performance, coupled with that "thing" he's wearing on his head may be the only selling point for this flick, as I see no other reason to pick up this movie than to point and laugh at its failures.