Friday the 13th Part 3
(1982)

                                          reviewed by Head Cheeze

Jason is back, and this time he's in 3D! Well, he was in 3D anyway, back when Friday the 13th Part 3 was released. Ya see, back in 1982 the 3D movie made a huge comeback, and not only did we get the Demi Moore "classic" Parasite, we also got Jaws 3D, Spacehunter, a re-release of House of Wax and, of course, Friday the 13th Part 3. So how does the 3D fare on the small screen?

About as well as a wingless canary in a litterbox filled with glue.

Camp Crystal Lake's favorite son returns to stalk a group of nubile nymphs at an isolated farmhouse near his usual stomping grounds. While the viewer watches he is reminded that he may have homework to do, or a charity to contribute to, or, perhaps, a popsicle stick castle to build. After awhile the movie ends and the viewer then realizes that they just wasted lots of time and money on something awful, so shame and depression set in. Soon they get over it, and pop in Friday the 13th Part 3 to give it "another chance". The cycle continues. Eventually they become alcoholic accountants trapped in loveless marriages with hateful spoiled children and toss themselves out of 17th story windows and it's all because of Friday the 13th Part 3.

Don't let this happen to you!

You see, F13P3 was meant to be seen on the big screen with friends, preferably very stoned ones, and, of course, 3D glasses. There are no elements of story, logic, or suspense, there are only things poking out at ya! Ya see? Pokin in yer eye! Look! There's a yo-yo POKIN IN YER EYE! Watch out, Jason's got a spear gun POKIN IN YOUR EYE! OH NO! He's got a hot poker and it's POKIN IN YER FUCKIN EYE!! The whole movie is built around reasons to have characters POKE YOU IN YOUR EYE! Making sandwhiches, throwing frisbees, combing their hair.....etc.

Friday the 13th Part 3 makes for a pointless home viewing experience. This IS the low point of the Friday series. Jason does don his trademark goalie mask, but that's hardly worth the money or time it takes to sit through the rest of this rubbish. If you really listen, you can hear the moments of your life ticking away while it's on, but that is predicated on whether you actually stay in the room and watch, because more than likely you'll find some sort of diversion more interesting. Like maybe an abundance of bellybutton lint.

So what does the DVD offer? Well, aside from a decent transfer of a movie that POKES YOU IN THE EYES, it also offers a trailer full of eye-pokin fun. That's it. Nothing else. Bupkus. Zilch. Nada.

If you are looking for a way to spend $25 bucks and have a good time may I suggest an evening with a toothless crack whore? If the choice is between that and Friday the 13th Part 3, you'd have a better chance of respecting yourself in the morning.