Garden of the Dead
(Retromedia DVD)
 (1972)
review by Head Cheeze

It's funny how many awful movies have reared their ugly heads since DVD has come around, but what's even funnier is the fact that people seek these suckers out! Retromedia has been kind enough to dig up some stuff from the absolute bottom of the barrel for "fans" to poke fun at, and I'll be the first to admit that these are great party discs, but how do they stack up to viewing alone?

Garden of the Dead is a cheap-o 70's schlockfest from John Hayes, who brought us the comparitively brilliant Grave of the Vampire. Set in a southern work-camp that looks more like a bunch of two by fours stuck in the ground and strung with flimsy wire, Garden of the Dead introduces us to a group of inmates who make formaldahyde for the, errrr, booming formaldahyde industry? A rather desperate group of the prisoners get high off of the stuff by sucking in what looks like smoke from a hose after dipping it in a bucket of chemicals. It's literally side-splitting to see these hack actors ham it up while getting "stoned. They gather around the smoke and rub it all over themselves with bug eyes and psychotic smiles. It's shot like Reefer Madness meets Cool Hand Look, and, believe me, it's just fucking ridiculous.

These same prisoners are also digging an escape tunnel, and on the eve of their exodus, they are caught by the warden and his trigger happy guards (who, rather than attempt to capture the prisoners, shoot them all to hell!). A couple of days later, when the last of the convicts is buried, they all come back to life, hopping around like maniacs, brandishing axes, garden hoes, and rakes, and grunting like a gang of blokes in a circle jerk porno. They attack the prison, cut the phone lines, and disable all of the cars (all pretty heady stuff for zombies) and then seek their revenge on....well...everyone.

This movie sucks in so many ways, but at the same time I never got bored. Sure, I looked at the clock every once in awhile, but I also laughed my head off at some of the ridiculous goings on, especially when the zombie chain gang started flying around like Shaolin monks, kicking the shit out of prison guards, prisoners, white-trash camper folk, and so on. This isn't a good movie by any means, but if it made me laugh solo, then I can imagine the riotous affair this would be with a room full of drunks!!

The DVD from Retromedia is region free, with a crappy image transfer (that they APOLOGIZE for at the beginning!) and audio track. There's a trailer for Grave of the Vampire on here, and Retromedia places a disclaimer stating that it was SUPPOSED to be a trailer for Garden of the Dead, but they got this one instead. There's also an annoyance named Son of Ghoul who is apparently a cable TV monster movie host from somewhere in the US. He introduces the film, and then does a skit, and it's not long after he begins speaking that this strange desire to beat him to death with his own legs washes over you. Luckily, he goes away after a couple of minutes.

Garden of the Dead cost me 9 bucks, which is about 8 bucks more than it's worth as a film, but as an off-in-the-corner attraction for the stoned guys at your next party it's a bargain, and will keep them from fucking with your cat.