Masters of Horror-
Pick Me Up
(Anchor Bay Region 1 NTSC DVD)
(2006)
review by Died with Boots On

Springing from the loins of ‘splatterpunk’ author David J. Schow, the man who wrote the story for “The Crow” and “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning,” and directed by Master of Horror Larry Cohen, creator of “It’s Alive,” “Black Caesar,” and “Q, The Winged Serpent,” amongst many other, cheesier splatter fests, ‘cheese fests’ if you will, this installment of the “Masters of Horror” short film anthology is a gory crossroads for two urban myths to do battle in one epic night.  In one corner is the friendly and hospitable – in a down-home sort of way – psychopath truck driver with a slow and distinct ‘Archie Bunker’ dialect with eccentric, overdramatic expressions who entertains himself by making a game of murdering hitchhikers that decide to ride in his cab (Benson).  In the other corner is the handsomely dressed with an irresistible Southern boyish charm sociopath hitchhiker with a sexually appealing drawl who entertains himself by making a game of murdering those who pick him up (Anthony).  Is that recipe for disaster enough for you?

In the same vein as “Hunting Humans,” here we have two cats in a very elaborate game of cat and mouse.  But where is the imminent danger, where is the edge-of-your-seat, adrenaline pumping tension, where is the likeable protagonist that makes you care about this plot?  After all, what the hell do I care if some ax-murdering serial killer gets a taste of his own medicine?  This is not like “Hard Candy,” where the eye-popping violence is called into question and the audience feels as though they must sympathize with the undesirable predator.  These scumbags deserve to be mercilessly slaughtered by the other.  Ah but surely a bona fide Master of Horror would never be so tactless.  And that is why, on this long stretch of forgotten mountain road, a greyhound bus breaks down, transporting a young, naive, cantankerous couple, a narcissistic, over-the-hill beauty queen who was the casualty of plastic surgery up the wazoo (Landon), a loud, clueless stock character, and an experienced in the ways of the world lone wolf who knows how to fend for herself (Balk).  Oh, and a callous bus driver.  Three guesses who is left standing when the movie comes to a boil?  That’s right, the stock character.  Oh wait…

There are certain elements of this short film that make you scratch your head and wonder if the film is trying to bear its comedic chops, or if it is just that bogged down with unnecessarily pragmatic tension-building.  There is a scene where the truck driver and hitchhiker become aware of the other, become aware of the challenge of outwitting the other at his own game.  That is truly more dangerous than the most dangerous game.  They begin sniffing at each other’s trails, finding each other at a cockroach-infested motel.  In order to save face, they both talk very politely to each other, even though both know that the other plans to kill him.  This almost satirically emphasizes the insanity behind rules of engagement, an oxymoron characterized by a method to the madness.  Both are role-playing, neither will engage the other until they are in their respective roles, the driver in his eighteen-wheeler, the hitchhiker coolly pulling his thumb back and forth on the side of the road.  When they finally encounter each other on these terms, there is some tongue-in-cheek awkwardness as they throw curt glances at each other while using clichéd conversation starters like “So how ‘bout this weather?”

Before the serial killers learn of the other, however, the audience gets a taste of their back-stories as they do what serial killers must to the handful of stranded travelers milling about after their only mode of transportation veers off the side of the road.  The truck driver offers his assistance to the helplessly marooned travelers, who become divided.  The middle-aged flirt and the buoyant stock character willingly accept his good-natured assistance, and of course, drop like flies.  The bus driver refuses because he has to stay with the bus, and the couple stays behind because of the paranoid skepticism of the bitchy girl.  Meanwhile, the lone wolf forges her own path and hikes down the road.  After the truck driver speeds gleefully away, a ‘Crocodile Dundee’ type makes his way into the encampment, seeking vengeance for a rattle snake that the bus flattened a few miles back.  As the body count rises, soon the only roles left breathing are those of the two dueling cats and the one of the mouse caught between them.

*Read no further if you wish to be surprised and thrilled by the ins and outs of the short film.  I won’t spoil the ending anymore than the back of the DVD case already does, however I will speak about it in a way that compromises the full shock of it.*

I am a plot twist magnet.  I can pick up a movie, or in this case a ‘made-for-Showtime’ short film, without knowing the smallest tidbit about it, and find myself relishing in a beautifully executed twist.  The same is true of this “Masters of Horror” chapter.  In fact, the twist is really a thing to be admired within the context of the film.  It truly shifts gears and pushes the definition of a survivalist film to the limits.  I think that even those who despise twists will find themselves laughing themselves to tears, or at the very least grinning and nodding.  This episode was appropriately coupled with the laugh-out-loud satire, “Homecoming,” and makes for a fun-filled evening of hooting and hollering at your television screen.  The plot is worn a little thin in places, but the development that occurs within the fifty-six minute time constraint is very masterful.  This is a welcomed addition into the “Masters of Horror” family, and as long as you don’t mind fun in lieu of fright, this is the cup of tea for you.