S.I.C.K.
(Serial Insane Clown Killer)
(Artisan Region 1 DVD)
(2004)
review by Don't Feed the Dead

With the memory of House of the Dead still burning a hole in my brain, I reluctantly rented a new Artisan release, S.I.C.K. Now, just for clarification purposes, the acronym listed above is truly what its creators wanted it to be. Alas, the movie is NOT about an insane person that kills clowns, but a clown that kills insanely bad actors. With the slight notion of dyslexia behind us, let’s move on.

Apart from the beautiful cover art of the DVD, there is nothing that S.I.C.K. could offer that would captivate the audience enough for it to be better than a USA Up All Night flick. I was yearning for the commercial breaks during the movie to at least give me a glimpse of Rhonda Shear in her denim shorts, but again I am left with nothing but disappointment.

From a creative standpoint, the storyline behind S.I.C.K. is a formula that we’ve seen fail countless times. Young adults go to a secluded cabin to party, smoke pot and have gratuitous amounts of sex, get chased by an axe wielding lunatic and ultimately die. It’s your run of the mill slasher film, however, there are no great SFX, acting performances or hot chicks. Yes indeed, you get the shaft with the girls too. All of the *cough* beauties also come equipped with incredibly large puffy nipples, not unlike the head of the stress toy you see your boss squeezing every Monday morning. Now if that’s yer thing, I say dive right into this movie. If you’re a somewhat normal person, stick with an 80’s flick that will at least conjure up some nostalgia to make it worth your while.

Anyways, like I was saying, it’s a run of the mill slasher flick where an office worker, Brandon (Hebert) invites 3 of his friends up to his parents’ old cabin in the middle of No-where, Texas. The quad pick up a runaway girl along the way and soon find out that she’s slightly off her rocker. Once the group gets to the cabin, the darker side of the individuals emerge as rampant sex and drug use plagues the countryside. Now the lead, Brandon, aside from needing serious acting lessons, isn’t the most dashing of heroes. In fact, he’s quite bossy and gets irritating very early on in the film. It becomes insulting when we get to watch him have sex with both the girl he brought up to the cabin and the runaway the group picked up along the way. Personally, I don’t find him very attractive, but I’m sure things could change if he were bossing me around in a secluded cabin.

Predictably, we get to see some voyeuristic camera shots, implying that someone or something has been watching the group since their arrival. The heavy breathing and camera shaking lasts for a few shots before all of the cabin patrons retreat for their consolation sex. Then amazingly, in a twist that rivals FAO Schwartz vs. Blair Witch, one of the girls is abducted and replaced by a ratty baby doll with the word “food” scrawled across the forehead. Let’s just take a minute out of the synopsis to comment on the stupidity of this angle:

1) If the movie is based on a cannibalistic clown murderer, wouldn’t the acronym be more suiting if it were “Serial Insane Cannibal Klown”?

2) The killer clown weighs nearly 320 lbs. How stealth could a giant like that be, especially in an old creaky cabin?

3) If you just got done porking this chick, wouldn’t you realize if she were gone for more than 20 minutes?

As I was eluding to above, the group awakens the next morning to find that one of them is gone, and has been replaced by this doll. Logic would tell me that the most realistic solution to this problem would be to hop in my car and get help from the local po-po. Nah, that would be too easy. So the Fantastic Four set out to find the missing girl amidst the backwoods of Bumblefuct, Texas. Another amusing aspect of this set of characters is that for a group of “friends” they sure do argue and bicker a lot. So much that they detract from the storyline to a point where the viewer feels they’re watching their own parents argue. Funny how the disappearance of a girl could change the dynamics of a group that was indulging in the sweet tastes of their collective body fluid the night before, huh?

As the group searches for the lost girl they decide to utilize their collective wit and split up to spread out their search. Can this movie become any more predictable? Yes it can. As Brandon’s buddy gets chased around by the killer clown, we start to see odd behavior emerge from both Brandon and the runaway. Hmmm, do I smell pathetic plot twist in the making folks? Yup, like a fart in a car!

If this movie is beginning to intrigue you, and you have the urge to run out and rent it, pray you get hit by a car on the way to the video store so you can spend an hour and a half in a more constructive way. The entire disc offers nothing to raise eyebrows at, extras offering up just as little as the movie. I sat and “oooh-ed” at the magical trailer put forth on the extras, as well as sneak peeks for other Artisan treasures like House of the fucking Dead! Perhaps now is the time that Artisan should let go of their horror development staff, noting that I alone despise the feces that is put forth by their company. Fool me once (House of the Dead), shame on you. Fool me twice (S.I.C.K.), shame on me and I learn my lesson to stay away from Artisan’s masterful horror collection.