The Satanic Rites of Dracula
(aka: Count Dracula and His Vampire Bride)
(Region Free NTSC Platinum DVD)
 (1974)
review by Head Cheeze

When you hear the names Hammer, Lee, and Cushing, one cannot help but expect great things. Luckily, films like The Satanic Rites of Dracula exist, if only to teach us the harsh lesson that no matter how many great ingredients someone adds to a shit sandwhich, the predominant ingredient is still shit.

In the early 1970's, a string of murders in London lead to an investigation that uncovers a nefarious plot to infect the world with a new virulent strain based upon the bubonic plague. When scientist Larimer Van Helsing (Cushing) is called in to help the government agents, his lineage to the great vampire killer comes in handy when it becomes apparent that the mastermind behind the apocalyptic scheming is none other than Count Dracula (Lee) himself, resurrected through a dark ritual, hence the film's title, and posing as a real estate tycoon. Van Helsing and the count square off yet again, however this time it's accompanied by a mod soundtrack, people in wool and suede vests, and vampire chicks in go-go boots.

Why Dracula and Van Helsing are even in this film is beyond me. All of the vampiric elements of the film are peripheral at best, and have nothing to do with the main plot, which could have easily been masterminded by any horror movie cliche character from "Mad Scientist" to "Disgruntled Postal Worker". As a matter of fact, Lee and Cushing are barely in the film at all, and when they are it's as if they are just showing up to fulfill a contractual obligation. Lee doesn't even seem to be trying, with his accent fluctuating between Romanian and British with the regularity of a bran fortified bowel movement. Dracula and Van Helsing are here as an afterthought to help lend some credibility and excitement to an extremely formulaic, dull, and utterly confusing film.

The first half-hour bounces between flashbacks to the titular "satanic rites" and the Count's henchmen (the guys in suede and wool vests and motorcycle helmets) shooting at various folks for no reason. We then get more flashbacks as Van Helsing reveals his fears that Dracula is back to an audience of, what appear to be, the most trusting people on Earth. None of them shake their heads in disbelief as he tells them that they are dealing with the undead prince. They just nod and accept it as if he were telling them about a particularly tasty scone he had eaten earlier that day.

Of course, I could go on for several paragraphs about what's wrong with this film, and only one sentence with what was right.

It was cheap.

See, that wasn't even a proper sentence! Just three words!! I mean, that's really the only praise I can give this film.

The DVD I purchased was a $6 dollar affair from Platinum Disk. It's the kind of DVD you find in a bin filled with Little Rascals episodes, Dorf on Golf, and Wu Tang karate flicks, and while I knew I wasn't buying a classic, I didn't remember it being this bad.

The Platinum Disk image quality is actually fair, slightly better than VHS stuff, but there are a few freeze-ups and frame jitters that will make video-philes cringe. The audio is a standard mono deal, clear enough for most folks, but anyone with a subwoofer may want to rethink cranking this coaster up because it hisses more than a cornered cat and the score will buzz through your speakers with all of the subtlety of a rusty chainsaw when things get "exciting". The other fun thing this disc does is show the Platimum Disk logo in the lower right hand corner several times throughout the film. It's even more obnoxious given that the logo appears superimposed over the image as opposed to the upper or lower black bars, given that this is a widescreen presentation! Just what is Platinum Disk advertising anyway? Do they think the viewers will run out and buy more of their crap films after sitting through this one?!

Bottom line: Lee and Cushing phone in uninspired performances in a boring film that didn't even need them at all. Hammer's decline was in full effect when this mess was made, and it shows. Fans of this film (if there are any) can get a pricey version from Anchor Bay, which is of undoubtedly better quality, but is still the same awful movie at 5 times the price.