See No Evil
(2006)
review by Samara's Madness

Lionsgate Films holds quite the reputation in my mind. They ether finance incredibly smart, engaging films, or go quite the opposite way and produce shitty, B level shlock. Watching the trailer for “See No Evil” I naturally assumed it was the latter and prepared myself for a wrench inducing hour and twenty five minutes of total unabashed crap. I think, looking back, it was exactly that preconceived notion that allowed me to have a good time and surprised me when the movie wasn’t THAT bad.

In a jittery filthy opening sequence, we see cops about to storm a house where ghastly murders are believed to have taken place. When the cops bust down the door they are met with a dark house and soft music playing. As “Jesus Lives In All The Children” plays on a constant loop (trust me, it’s MUCH creepier than it sounds) the cops check out the walls; which are covered with crucifixes, Sunday school posters, and all that unsettling Catholic shit that’s supposed to be bright and cheery but just ends up scaring the hell out of me (You know, the weird feeling that comes with the knowledge that behind the wall that poster is tacked to, an alter boy is being raped). As officers delve further into the house they discover a woman in a black dress crying, her hair obscuring her face (so you know that when they show it it’s gonna be grotesque). Suddenly, a presence fills the room and a machete lops off the hand of sergeant Frank Williams and kills his rookie partner. Almost blindly, Frank pops off a couple shots, one of which actually hits the assailant in the head, but fails to kill him (?). Just before backup arrives and his vision goes black, Frank manages a glimpse at the woman he just saved, a woman missing her eyes (so I guess she wasn’t crying - only vainly wailing; like those dogs that can only cough after you get their vocal chords removed). Many years later (or as WE like to call it, the present day) Frank is managing just fine (with the help of a prosthetic hand of course) as a security guard at a correctional facility- but the fun really begins when he takes several inmates to a hotel restoration project to work off some time.

I have to admit, for something that could have been lamentably awful “See No Evil” manages to pull itself from the muck that most B movies are content to swim in. Some of the death sequences here, aside from being incredibly gory, are actually fairly clever for a movie of such poor caliber. Characters are flayed with hooks, choked with cell phones (really) and are hung upside down while ravenous feral dogs eat them alive. The whole movie has a nice gritty, dirty tone about it that fit the material quite well. Not only that, but flashbacks are handled interestingly enough and with the appropriate amount artistic direction exposition. The best part of the movie, however, is (ironically, but unsurprisingly) the last five minutes in which the three survivors beat the living hell out of Jacob (the killers official name) shove a lead pipe through his eye and push him out a window before he finally falls through the glass ceiling of the hotels aviary.

Don’t be fooled though, almost everything else about this movie is cliché, right down to the over abundant religious imagery. The paper thin premise is just an excuse for a bunch of convicts to be alone in a creepy run-down hotel, and even at that it contradicts itself on multiple occasions. How are these people sneaking in cigarettes and pot? I could possibly rationalize the cigarettes but you’d have to be mulein’ that weed for a LONG time, and even then pray that no one notices that you’re walking really funny. Apparently our killer has set up an elaborate bell and mirror system that keeps him abreast (heh, heh BREAST) of all sins that occur in the hotel. Wow, that must have taken hundreds of man hours and thousands of feet of twine, not bad for a trainable.

I would like to say that the acting compensated for the lack of thought in the plot department, but I’m sure you already guessed that that’s not the case. It’s not EXACTLY like watching porn actors emote, but it’s very close. I’ve seen better actors on “Power Rangers” and that really saying something (And they’ve had some BAD actors… hmmm… I didn’t realize the depth of my geekdom until I just wrote that sentence out). No one is really worth mentioning by name with the possible exception of Cecily Polson Jacobs sick, twisted, uber-religious mother, with whom Jacob shares a “Psycho” type relationship. I suppose if you’re going to use two villains at least ONE of them should be a good actor, because Glen Jacobs (WWEs’ Kane) does little more than growl and jack off (you laugh as if I’m joking).

In the end, I would recommend “See No Evil” for a slasher movie night after it comes out on video but you shouldn’t waste hard earned money on it (my apologies if the announcement came too late for you). The only reason I didn’t leave the theater lambasting it is because I expected TOTAL crap and was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be only mild crap. Certainly you’ll get NO intellectual stimulation, so its better to rent the DVD (and why DIDN’T it come straight to video?) pop some popcorn and watch it with friends on a boring T.V. night, at least then you’ll have other people to make fun of it with.