The head honcho! The big cheese! This is the man (or woman!) with the plan that sets the tone for the series. We need a captain capable of running a tight ship, putting fear in the hearts of the bad guys, and the cajones to back up his threats. That cancels out the blase' Voyager's Janeway. The only thing remotely threatening about her is the tightness of her hair bun. ST-TNG's Jean Luc Picard is a thinking man's captain, but, to be honest, were I a Klingon and saw this skinny baldie on my viewscreen, I'd set phasers to laugh, and blow him out of the sky. Enterprise's Archer is much to green to command my ship, but he'd be an allright janitor.

Captain James T. Kirk was a shoot first, ask questions later sorta guy, and he was no slouch with the ladies, either. His crew loved and respected him, and he always seemed to get bloodied up. He's a space cowboy, that's for sure.

However, for the whole package; Picard's mind, Kirk's intensity, Janeway's...err.. nothing, and Archer's inquisitive naivete', my choice for captain goes to Ben Sisko, the cool as ice commander of Deep Space Nine. He's big, black, bald, and bold. Like Shaft in space, this guy kicks total ass.

Well, odds are someone's gonna get hurt out there, so we need a good ol' fashioned doctor to take care of 'em. ST-TNG's Beverly Crusher doesn't strike me as the sharpest tack on the pushboard, and bringing her along would most likely mean her annoying son, Wesley, would show up for "visits". No thanks. Voyager's hologram dude is about as useful as an eleventh toe, seeing as how he doesn't make house calls (or calls of anykind! He's a fucking hologram!!) so let's delete him and move on.

Enterprise's Dr. Phlox is a keen alien guy who uses all sorts of holistic methods involving strange animals and insects he's collected around the galaxy. If you have a paper-cut, he'll break out a leech or two and you're good as gold. He'd work well in a pinch, but nothing says comfort like a good ol' fashioned country doctor, so my pick would be Dr.Leonard "Bones" McCoy. He's got a down home bedside manner and a heart of gold (even if he is a xenophobe!).

Someone's gotta drive the ship. ST-TNG seemed to have a "driver by commitee" approach that I always found rather disconcerting. When Picard would toss Troi behind the controls, shit just got out of hand! I personally would rather drive myself than have any member of Voyager aboard, and Deep Space Nine didn't need a driver, so there's no candidates there.

Enterprise's Travis Mayweather seems pretty competent behind the con, but he's about the closest thing to a "Red Shirt" you can get on that show, so his time in space may be limited.

I pick Sulu for no other reason than his soothing baritone voice. Ahhhh yes, Sulu.....lull us into space.....

Janeway? Too manly. Seven of Nine? Too much facial metal. Dax? Well, she's hot, but she's a dude inside, which sorta makes that a bit...errr..sick.

None of them compare to the tag-team that is Uhura and T'Pol. Uhura is an ebony goddess and T'Pol, well, she's just plain steamin'. However, Uhura's a human , while T'Pol's vaguely alien, which is just that much more exotic than the Nubian princess of space.

T'pol, but just by an implant.

When shit get's heavy, you want someone who walks tall and carries a big stick to beat down the enemy and enjoy himself while he's doing it. None of the other series have anyone tougher than ST-TNG's Worf, although Deep Space Nine's Odo can turn himself into house plants and glasses of water to better hide himself in the event things get out of hand so that he may rise and strike again.

Bah! Who are we kiddin! Odo's a pussy! Worf is a man-beast!

Edge-WORF!

If there's anything I've learned while watching Star Trek, it's that space ships break down at the most inopportune times. So it's with this in mind that we must staff our ship with the best mechanic the galaxy has to offer. While ST-TNG's Geordie LaForge is a smart dude, slap off that visor and he's blind as a fruit bat. Sorry, no pity for the handi-capable on this ship.

Enterprise's "Trip" Tucker seems to have things under control on his rickety rocket, but, for sheer miracle-worker like abilities, there's simply no one I'd entrust my ship to with more confidence than Classic Trek's Montgomery "Scotty" Scott.

Lay down the challenge, throw him a pint o' whiskey, and watch shit get done!!

Every ship needs an annoying guy; after all, who are you going to take out all of your pent-up space rage on when things get grim? ST-TNG's Wesley was too easy a choice, for me, so I ejected him into the black void of space to make room for another, almost equally annoying character.

While Deep Space Nine's Ferenghi "businessman" Quark is the embodiment of fingernail scrapings on a chalkboard, nothing quite tops Voyager's chef Neelix. Look at his face. Can't you just FEEL your fist sinking into his bulbous Talaxian nose? Oh yes....he'll do nicely

To travel in space, one needs a ship (unless you're name is Depp). While the original Trek's Enterprise was a workhorse, it's sorta retro looking, and looks about as aero-dynamic as a monkey in Reeboks. the Enterprise NX is an experimental ship, and seems to break down every episode, so reliability is an issue.

This narrows it down to Deep Space Nine's obscenely powerful Defiant, and ST-TNG's Enterprise E. While the Defiant has more weapons than a Libyan housewife, the Enterprise E is one sweet crib, replete with Holodeck, lounge, and cozy quarters to snog alien hotties in.

Enterprise E wins for purely aesthetic reasons.