Tokyo: The Last Megalopolis
(Teito Taisen, 1989, R1 DVD)
(1989)
review by Don't Feed the Dead
What
a disappointment. I need not say more. You go to Best Buy to pick up
a cheap-o flick that usually grants a viewer a certain amount of entertainment
value, but no, Tokyo: the Last Mega-Crapolis severely disappoints, even
for a $10 flick.
Boasting of special effects concepts by H.R. Geiger, Tokyo looks more
like a wet dream of H.R. Puffenstuff. I haven’t seen so much painted
foam a flyin’ since bearing witness to the great Romper Room massacre
of 1984. As an added bonus, Tokyo also takes the leftover claymation
from Clash of the Titans and regurgitates it to suffice as its mythical
creatures! Are you fucking kidding me?!
I suppose there was a plot in this movie….oh yeah, taking place
in 1913, the prophets of Tokyo learn of a plot to utilize the “vein
of evil” running underneath the city against its people and destroy
the last Megalopolis of Japan. In a series of events nearly as confusing
as interpreting a Rorshack ink blot, the mastermind of evil, Masaya
Kato (looking very much like StreetFighter’s M. Bison) appears
in the middle of a temple and wreaks havoc upon its people. Conjuring
demons made of paper notes (origami!) Kato destroys Tokyo’s greatest
warriors and priests, and captures the love of one man’s life.
He teams with the woman’s brother and a high priest to take on
Kato and his horde of paper hats, cups, doves and fortune tellers, in
an effort to save the Megalopolis known as Tokyo.
Caught up in the stellar plot development, I couldn’t bring myself
to pay attention to the Oscar deserving performances of the homeless
troupe hired for this flick. Remind me next time I feel like shooting
a film to get the absolute worst actors to accommodate an equally horrid
script. Oh, and don’t forget to pitch in $1.50 for the public
access set developer.
If you can’t tell by the ridiculous plot and effects that this
movie is an utter waste of time, then perhaps you need to have your
vision checked. I took this movie as an insult to my time, and a complete
rip-off as my $10 could have gone to a better cause like Bennifer’s
Gigli. To rub a little bit of salt in the wound, the creative geniuses
behind the R1 release of the DVD left the viewer with no options for
extras, with the exception of the titillating “Subtitle”
option. I mean, c’mon you cheap dicks….. at least when Troma
puts out a bomb they go the extra mile to pack the DVD with a slew of
extras to keep your mind off the fact that they just raped your wallet
and left it for dead.
People, avoid this DVD like it comes with a guaranteed dose of Hepatitis!
If I keep up this trend, I’ll have a $40 set of table coasters
that garner more praise than if they were used as intended.
