Valentine
                                       (2001)
                                          review by Head Cheeze

When Wes Craven's Scream revitalized the slasher genre, things looked really
promising. The studios were scurrying to get their own Scream-type franchise
up and running, and new  filmmakers were being handed cameras and crews, 
beautiful young casts, and millions of dollars to achieve that goal. Of course,
as we all know, most of what was cranked out was shit, and Jamie Blanks'
Valentine is the unsightly ring around the bowl.

Five ridiculously attractive friends (and you know they are ridiculously 
attractive when the one that is considered UGLY is hotter than any girl in your
zip-code) recieve Valentine's Day cards with threatening messages that may
be coming from a boy they taunted as children. Quicker than you can say 
Prom Night, the girls come face to cupid-masked face with the killer and don't
even have the decency to show us a single breast.

Okay, so I'm mad there wasn't any nudity, but why shouldn't I be? This lame
movie has to give us something. I mean, hell, Denise Richards made out with
Neve Campbell in Wild Things, and showed us pretty much all her goods, yet
here all we get is a bikini shot! C'mon! It's not like she's Meryl Streep, or 
anything. Richards' acting skills are limited to looking bitchy, and looking
bitchy naked. Let the girl do her thing, man! As for the rest of the cast, well, 
they should all get naked too. Hell, even Boreanaz should go bare-assed  for
our female viewers! 

To call Valentine a bad film would be redundant at this point, but I should at
least give you a better reason than the lack of tits and ass. I guess the biggest
offender is the film's cliche' ridden script. It's full of Scooby Doo logic, "hip"
pop-culture references, and a bunch of the same smug self-awareness that 
rendered Blanks' previous effort, Urban Legend, virtually unwatchable. The 
film is also really slow and pretty light in the kills department for a slasher 
film, with the bulk of the film focusing on the relationships of Dorothy 
(Capshaw) and Kate (Shelton), introducing pointless red herrings, and letting
Richard's speak way too many lines. You can almost hear her brain rattling
around in her head everytime she opens her mouth. 

Like a lot of lousy films, Valentine get's a pretty decent DVD release that much
more deserving films would kill for. Warner Home Video gives us a flawless
anamorphic transfer with a Dolby 5.1 mix, director commentary, cast and crew
interviews, and a video by the band Orgy.

Valentine works only as a drinking game. If you want a good slasher film, look
elsewhere, and don't be fooled by the sexy cast on the cover because the only
people who get screwed in this flick are the viewers.