Bram Stoker's
Way of the Vampire
(Asylum Region 1 NTSC DVD)
(2005)
review by Don't Feed the Dead

When I first saw the trailer for Way of the Vampire on my Rachel's Attic DVD, I cringed. I knew that sitting in the DVD pile next to the TV was the same film, awaiting its very own review. Way of the Vampire is one of those film experiences that makes you want to pop 2 vicodin and perform your own prostate exam. There is nothing fun, nor entertaining about this film and Asylum will have to do some serious redemption for releasing this flick.

Yet another film to deface Bram Stoker's Dracula legacy, Way of the Vampire tells of Van Helsing's exploits as he weathers the sands of time to hunt down the vampire Prince. Starting with the past, we watch as Van Helsing (Giles) defeats Dracula in a short, yet heavily boring scene. At the same time a monk named Sebastien (Beckett) is busy getting it on with Van Helsing's woman, and ultimately bites her neck as he's revealed as the vampire Prince. Stumbling upon his newly turned wife, Van Helsing makes a pact with God to live forever so that he may hunt down every remaining vampire. After he stabs his wife repeatedly in the chest, he is whisked away to the future to do battle with Sebastien.

Sad but true, folks, movies this poor in plot are still being made. Anyways, once Van Helsing (who is now a doctor) finds out that Sebastien is planning to hunt again, he begins recruiting a new flock of hunters to kill off the horde of vampires. A culturally diverse and PC group, the hunters begin training in what looks to be an AA meeting house. Sebastien's minions learn of Van Helsing's intentions and send a group of vamps to extinguish the hunters. Confusing battles and silly effects ensue.

For starters, I'm not a big fan of vampire movies, especially ones made as poorly as Way of the Vampire. As far as acting goes, I've seen a lot more noteworthy performances in films that probably cost 1/4th the budget of this masterpiece. Rhett Giles (as Van Helsing) and Andreas Beckett (as Sebastien) were just plain poor, and the rest of the cast put in as uninspiring effort as I've seen in a long time. Although I wasn't expecting any Oscar nods from an Asylum film, the overall feeling from the viewing was pretty fucking bad. Once again, I've lost more precious hours of my life that I will never get back.

If the movie wasn't insult enough, along comes a set of extras that rubs a little salt in the wound. The cast and crew commentary does nothing but pound its own chest, boasting of a spectacular film accompanied by great performances. Were these people watching the same fucking movie?! Also included are a behind the scenes featurette and a series of trailers for other Asylum embarassments, I mean films. Oh, and what's the deal with putting a trailer for the film you're about to watch before the fucking things even starts?!

If I had to choose 3 words to describe Way of the Vampire it would be - BAD BAD BAD! I gained no satisfaction from watching this film and even writing the review has stirred up an eagerness to take a large shit on the disc itself. Be warned, if you see this DVD do yourself a favor and drive a fucking stake through it.