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Title |
Big
Says: |
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"To me this is like being the asshole at the cocktail party with the lampshade on his head..." |
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"Yeah,
blame the sky. It's always the sky's fault..."
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"This
DVD may or may not contain extras. I didn’t look, in fact,
given the choice I wouldn’t have even looked at the movie contained
on the little silver disk." |
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"Virtually
anyone could kick Ralphus’ little midget ass." |
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"It’s
nighttime now and Lemmya is eaten by some stock footage (thank you
again National Geographic Explorer) of a crocodile." |
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"Ramon has dynamite sticks and sets one off just before he is eaten by Playstation snake monster." |
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"Now, don’t get the wrong idea; don’t say, “But Big, you’re shitting on a Spaghetti Western, man; that’s like shooting fish in barrel!" |
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"But that's okay because his family indulges his obsession by sitting back as Charlie constructs an elaborate scale model of the chocolate factory from damaged toothpaste caps." |
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"The
DVD comes loaded with chapter stops that I ignored, and a subtitle
option that I also ignored, it also included the original trailer
that, you guessed it, I ignored. Yeah, I hit the trifecta." |
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"Cloverfield is also a giant monster film for people who don't like giant monster films. As evidence for this there is about one WHOLE MINUTE of giant monster footage in this movie. " |
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"If
this film were a jet plane this would be the equivalent of losing
cabin pressure three miles from the runway and plummeting into the
ground." |
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"I
am surprised anyone can find their own private parts when they pee." |
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"Sound
like fun? Well, masturbating with a hand full of roofing nails sounds
fun, but it doesn’t mean you should try it." |
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"There
is just so much wrong with Deep Shock that it was as if the DVD player
was literally sucking the very life energy from we happy few who suffered
through it." |
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"I always had fond memories of this film. I thought the monsters were cool. I liked the space ship. Of course, I was six-years-old and whacked on jelly sandwiches and Yoohoo…" |
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"We begin Devil's Dynamite with a Taoist Monk performing some ornate ritual... involves a moving bowl of rice, some little explosions, and him dancing around with a wooden sword." |
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"...and if that isn't reason enough to stay away, the film is about 12,000 year old cannibals who eat chicken entrails out of poorly constructed latex stomachs." |
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"...the entire film was shot in Jefferson Parish/New Orleans, Louisiana and it is a very probable that mother nature has erased all memory of this film's production from the Earth's surface. If only it could do the same to the ridges of my prefrontal lobes." |
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"Before
they can assemble the "Dream Warriors", Kim, Clear, and
Officer Burke must first save Tim from pigeon borne death." |
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"Dean
Devlin and Roland Emmerich have secured a nice piece of real estate
in Hell for creating the monstrosity known as Godzilla." |
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"Mooooo." |
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"Incidentally,
Ann has the thickest eyebrows I have ever seen on a homo-sapient woman." |
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"End
movie, place frozen fish sticks on pan, preheat over to 450 degrees,
heat until golden brown." |
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"Yep,
with an opening title card like that you know the film following it
is going to suck." |
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"Alternating between screams of unholy volume and plaintive whispers. It’s classic Shatner. " |
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"Adding
to the moron factor of this film President Whitmore tries to make
a truce with the alien pilot, as if the pilot was the Chief Monster
in Charge." |
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"...they don't work as buddy pictures because Seagal is unable to offer a single likable trait for the audience to reflect." |
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"This
sounds much more interesting than it actually is, but you will no
doubt be laughing so hard at the name “El Supremo” that
none of this scene will matter." |
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"League
of Extraordinary Gentlemen isn’t a film, it’s an ordeal." |
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"Still, I'd rather sit through a marathon of Xanadu, Winnie the Pooh, The Man with One Red Shoe, That Thing You Do, Clue, and Scooby Doo 1 and 2, than spend another sitting with The Manitou.And you should too.23 Skiddoo." |
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"
How does a huge tractor trailer truck manage to sneak within ten feet
of a supporting character who not only has a clear line of site, but
is standing in front of a reflective surface?" |
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"He
has the fluid grace of a Sterno-drunk, arthritic granny tap dancing
to a Henry Rollins spoken word album." |
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"Mr.
Li better get his shit together in a hurry or he’ll be second
banana to Antonio Sabato Jr. in Shark Hunter 14 before he can snap
a kick at his agent’s nuts." |
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"Considering
the entire cast is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT, they decide that a
shark is highly unlikely and call in the town animal control officer." |
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"In
the midst of the attack a group of soldiers arrive and rescue them
by attacking the snakes with M-16s." |
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"Taking the role of “first oil rig guy eaten by plastic shark head” is Hank Ellis, the “rational veteran of several oilrigs guy”. He is also articulate and black, so he has to be the first of the crew to die." |
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"When
I think giant monster my mind does not immediately leap to Denmark.
Your’s might... But then I am not insane." |
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"For
a fun post movie game, start a pool and see how many of Yongarry’s
“actors” appear in television commercials. I’ve seen
two already." |
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"Luckily
all she says is “Papa?.. Papa?.. Papa?..” Which about sums
up the quality of the film in question." |
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"She could have just as easily suggested that Super Intelligent Space Toasters from the planet Zarkon 7 and it would have been only a little less plausible than magic tree-climbing wolves. " |
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"It
just goes to prove my theory that cheerleaders are useless." |
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"It’s
the sort of awe inspiring effect you generally see in something an
8 year old does with the family super-8 camera, some wads of paper
and mirrors." |
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"Science
has not yet proven whether the electrical doo-dads will prevent stock
footage of sharks from bumping into walls." |
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"Have
more vodka! Vodka makes all questions go away for a while." |
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"Did
someone put a few scenes out of order? Were the script pages misnumbered?
What the hell? " |
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"Spirited Killer is a regular Jaamboree!" |
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"See,
blind and dead, the Blind Dead.... It all makes so much sense now!" |
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"What
someone needs to do is spend the time crafting a script BEFORE hiring
the cast and shooting." |
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"Written by Mike Conway, Directed by Mike Conway, Produced by Mike Conway, Cinematography by Mike Conway, special visual effects by Mike Conway, CGI sequence by Mike Conway, original soundtrack by Mike Conway, credits sequence by Mike Conway, stealer of 90 minutes of your precious life Mike Conway" |
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