Against the Dark

As he backs away from the door, EGB is attacked by Pee Wee Herman from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the film), or at least someone who looks exactly like him. Nice job on lookout, there, ladies.

Andre the Butcher

"Cut to Kristy and Jimbo talking about their mutual attraction as they walk (porn setup six) where Krisy reveals that she joined the cheerleading squad to be near Jimbo. They decide to have sex when Kristy is distracted by a donut hanging from a tree."

Battlefield Earth

"Yeah, blame the sky. It's always the sky's fault..."

Beowulf

"This DVD may or may not contain extras. I didn't look, in fact, given the choice I wouldn't have even looked at the movie contained on the little silver disk."

Blood Surf

"By now the cuts on both Bog’s and Jeremy’s feet have miraculously healed and no mention is made of blood, sharks, or surfing again for the rest of the movie."

Bloodsucking Freaks

"What it boils down to is this. If you are looking for a boring, dated, poorly constructed, laughably bad exploitation movie with gobs of fake blood, then Blood Sucking Freaks just might be your movie."

Boa vs. Python

"Things looking good for us at Dmitri Badfilmova’s Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative… Hey, where you going?"

Boot Hill

"Now, don’t get the wrong idea; don’t say, “But Big, you’re shitting on a Spaghetti Western, man; that’s like shooting fish in barrel!"

Breaker! Breaker!

Now we get our second interior shot that shows just how unbelievably awful the sets are. Three tables, flat black painted walls, some dolls, and the whole thing looks like it'll fall down if Chuck Norris farts too hard.

Charlie & The Chocolate Factory

"But that's okay because his family indulges his obsession by sitting back as Charlie constructs an elaborate scale model of the chocolate factory from damaged toothpaste caps."

Children of the Corn: Revelation

"The DVD comes loaded with chapter stops that I ignored, and a subtitle option that I also ignored, it also included the original trailer that, you guessed it, I ignored. Yeah, I hit the trifecta."

Chupacabra Terror

Oh, and to make the Chupacabra appear to move super fast, they motion blur all of his movements and it looks cheaper than old Dr. Who effects. 

Cloverfield

"Cloverfield is also a giant monster film for people who don't like giant monster films. As evidence for this there is about one WHOLE MINUTE of giant monster footage in this movie."

Crack in the Floor, A

"Jeremiah kills Sunny with a kung-fu neck twist. I guess he is a ninja or something...."

Day the Earth Stopped, The

Looks exactly like a Sci Fi Channel Original Movie, except this one has Sinead McCafferty all naked in the first ten or fifteen minutes. No problem Sci Fi can just pixelate that all out, and run it as a weekend double feature with Mansquito.

Death Machines

"Sound like fun? Well, masturbating with a hand full of roofing nails sounds fun, but it doesn’t mean you should try it."

Deep Shock

"The moral of the story? Easy, your CGI eels may look neato to your mom, but hey, try writing a script first."

Destroy All Planets

"I always had fond memories of this film. I thought the monsters were cool. I liked the space ship. Of course, I was six-years-old and whacked on jelly sandwiches and Yoohoo…"

Devil's Dynamite

"Who is the Steve Cox character anyway? Oh wait, the ninjas were supposed to release him from a prison or something (after the fifth rewind I figured this out)."

Don't Go Near the Park!

"And poor Aldo Ray. I mean, the guy has made some crap in his career, but nothing as bad as this, ever. Even his facial expression, as he tries to give life to his turgid expository dialogue says "please shoot me now"."