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Andre the Butcher |
"Cut to Kristy and Jimbo talking about their mutual attraction as they walk (porn setup six) where Krisy reveals that she joined the cheerleading squad to be near Jimbo. They decide to have sex when Kristy is distracted by a donut hanging from a tree." |
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Battlefield Earth |
"Yeah, blame the sky. It's always the sky's fault..." |
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Beowulf |
"This DVD may or may not contain extras. I didn't look, in fact, given the choice I wouldn't have even looked at the movie contained on the little silver disk." |
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Blood Surf |
"By now the cuts on both Bog’s and Jeremy’s feet have miraculously healed and no mention is made of blood, sharks, or surfing again for the rest of the movie." |
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Bloodsucking Freaks |
"What it boils down to is this. If you are looking for a boring, dated, poorly constructed, laughably bad exploitation movie with gobs of fake blood, then Blood Sucking Freaks just might be your movie." |
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Boa vs. Python |
"Things looking good for us at Dmitri Badfilmova’s Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative… Hey, where you going?" |
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Boot Hill |
"Now, don’t get the wrong idea; don’t say, “But Big, you’re shitting on a Spaghetti Western, man; that’s like shooting fish in barrel!" |
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Charlie & The Chocolate Factory |
"But that's okay because his family indulges his obsession by sitting back as Charlie constructs an elaborate scale model of the chocolate factory from damaged toothpaste caps." |
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Children of the Corn: Revelation |
"The DVD comes loaded with chapter stops that I ignored, and a subtitle option that I also ignored, it also included the original trailer that, you guessed it, I ignored. Yeah, I hit the trifecta." |
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Cloverfield |
"Cloverfield is also a giant monster film for people who don't like giant monster films. As evidence for this there is about one WHOLE MINUTE of giant monster footage in this movie." |
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Crack in the Floor, A |
"Jeremiah kills Sunny with a kung-fu neck twist. I guess he is a ninja or something...." |
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Death Machines |
"Sound like fun? Well, masturbating with a hand full of roofing nails sounds fun, but it doesn’t mean you should try it." |
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Deep Shock |
"The moral of the story? Easy, your CGI eels may look neato to your mom, but hey, try writing a script first." |
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Destroy All Planets |
"I always had fond memories of this film. I thought the monsters were cool. I liked the space ship. Of course, I was six-years-old and whacked on jelly sandwiches and Yoohoo…" |
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Devil's Dynamite |
"Who is the Steve Cox character anyway? Oh wait, the ninjas were supposed to release him from a prison or something (after the fifth rewind I figured this out)." |
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Don't Go Near the Park! |
"And poor Aldo Ray. I mean, the guy has made some crap in his career, but nothing as bad as this, ever. Even his facial expression, as he tries to give life to his turgid expository dialogue says "please shoot me now"." |
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Evil Remains |
"...the entire film was shot in Jefferson Parish/New Orleans, Louisiana and it is a very probable that mother nature has erased all memory of this film's production from the Earth's surface. If only it could do the same to the ridges of my prefrontal lobes." |
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Final Destination 2 |
"Before they can assemble the "Dream Warriors", Kim, Clear, and Officer Burke must first save Tim from pigeon borne death." |
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Godzilla |
"GODZILLA DIES!!!!!! GODZILLA CAN’T DIE!!!" |
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Godzilla: Final Wars |
"Mooooo." |