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Bloodsucking Freaks

By: 
Big McLargehuge
Directed by: 
Joel M. Reed
Cast: 
Seamus O'Brien
Viju Krem
Luis De Jesus

  Yeesh, I say, and yeesh again. I have a mixed reaction to this film, and I am sure some readers will complain that Blood Sucking Freaks is included in the Hall of Shame. But, that said, I will write the review anyway. Hell, there are plenty of places that mention this movie with a reverence that it doesn’t deserve.
 

One thing though, the last half hour of Blood Sucking Freaks is pretty funny, and might warrant a rent if only for the ending.
 
The rest of the movie is utter and unadulterated crapola that features laughable acting, ludicrous plot, lame special effects, terrible script, two sets (maybe three), and some of the worst music ever recorded.
 
On the plus side, all of these traits make the film rather interesting to watch with a bunch of inebriated pals. I chose to view Blood Sucking Freaks with Mrs. McLargehuge, our friends Gristle McThornbody and Slab Steakface.
 
Here’s the plot in a nutshell. Sardu (Seamus O’Brien) the Magnificent and his dwarf sidekick Ralphus (Luis De Jesus, hey, he also played an Ewok in Return of the Jedi) are white slave traders masquerading as off-off-off-off-off Broadway performance artists. Sardu, Irate that renowned theater critic Creasy Silo (Alan Delay) will not even review his show, kidnaps him, then kidnaps famed ballerina Natasha D’Natalie (Viju Krern) who he insists will dance for his next production. Meanwhile Natasha’s boyfriend NFL star Tom Maverick (Niles McMaster) tries to get her back with the help of crooked police detective Sergeant Tom Tucci (Dan Fauci).
 
There, now you can tell all your friends that you’ve seen it.
 
Blood Sucking Freaks contains scenes of relentless misogyny. I think the idea was that the writer/director Joel M. Reed wanted to satirize the growing porn industry of the middle 1970s, and taken with that in mind, Blood Sucking Freaks is a pretty good satire. But is it a good movie?
 
No.
 
Is Blood Sucking Freaks exploitational? Yes, but I think it was clearly designed that way, which betrays and intelligence behind the camera that is far greater than the end product displays. A pity, because this could have been so much more biting had it been not ineptly produced. But is it a good movie?
 
No.
 
Keep in mind that I have no idea how much money went into this movie, but I can only assume it wasn’t much, so to criticize special effects that are obviously bargain basement is unfair. What I can criticize is the ludicrous plot and awful acting.
 
The plot is easy to describe. White slaver Sardu sells girls to a possibly Russian, possibly Arab white-slave trader. To hide his real trade, Sardu operates a low-rent performance art/magic show during which he tortures women before a live audience.
 
There, that’s the plot. Now, this does not display any of the nuances to stupidity in said plot such as:
 
    * Wouldn’t someone be looking for Creasy Silo, the most powerful theater critic on Broadway?
    * Wouldn’t someone have noticed that very few of the girls who appear in the show never appear in  the show again?
    * Virtually anyone could kick Ralphus’ little midget ass.
    * Doesn’t Sardu need a license to practice?
    * Wouldn't Tom realize that Natasha was acting funny when he finally found her?
    * Why would Sardu hide his ill-gotten gains in an unlocked trapdoor within a cell containing                  cannibalistic naked women? Doesn’t he think they might decide to eat his money... I know I would do      more than eat it.
    * Why is there a cell full of cannibalistic naked women? I assume these would be hard to sell into the  skin trade. I for one, wouldn’t shell out a dime for a chick that might potentially enjoy gnawing my        face  off.
    * How many fingers is a game of backgammon worth anyway?
    * How is the naked chick balancing that lit candle on her ass?
 
 
This list could go on for hours and hours and hours. So I won’t bore you.
 
Anyway, in between shots of Sardu teasing the captured Creasy Silo, we are treated to sequences of women used as tables, torn apart on a rack, one who is put in a guillatine and forced to hold the robe keeping the blade up in her teeth while she is caned, A woman who’s ass is used as a dartboard, and a woman’s fingers cut off as prizes for a game of backgammon between Sardu and Ralphus. There are two scenes when men are killed, one is some guy that Sardu sends into the cage of naked cannibal women who is then eaten, another is Creasy Silo who is kicked to death in Natasha’s final performance.
 
Whoop-dee-doo. All of the special effects suck.
 
Don’t take tghe preceding paragraph as a condemnation or anything, it’s just that, if I have to watch someone on film be tortured then at least give me a reason to care. Virtually all of the victims are nameless-faceless women, so there is no emotional resonance with any of it.
 
The acting, except for Seamus O’Brien’s Sardu is uniformly awful, and we aren’t talking television movie of the week awful, we are talking high-school production of Oklahoma awful. I reserve special anger with Viju Krern, this woman is so bad, so monumentally sucky in front of the camera, that a sock puppet could have easily out performed her. There are times when she is upstaged by inanimate objects.
 
Now that’s bad acting!
 
What it boils down to is this. If you are looking for a boring, dated, poorly constructed, laughably bad exploitation movie with gobs of fake blood, then Blood Sucking Freaks just might be your movie.
 
I think the best quote ever to describe this comes from my pal and co-viewer of this garbage, Gristle McThornbody, who said, “you know, the most shocking thing about this movie isn’t the nudity, it isn’t the misogyny, it isn’t the gore... The most shocking thing about this movie is that it is so goddamn boring.”
 
I’ve had this film in my collection for a couple of years on VHS and never bothered to watch it. The tape itself was released by Vestron Video (remember them?) back when tapes cost like ninety bucks a piece or something. Suffice to say the only extra available was the satisfying clang it made as I hucked it into the dumpster after taking it out of my VCR.
 
Skip this movie. There are a million-billion movies that are better, funnier, and worth more of your time. This one isn’t even any fun to poke fun at because you will be struggling just to stay conscious. If you do rent it, take my advice, and fast forward to the last half hour.
 
Oh, and there’s a penis sandwich in the final shot, but it is so badly done that I had to watch it three times just to convince myself it was there.