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Boa vs. Python

By: 
Big McLargehuge
Directed by: 
David Flores
Cast: 
David Hewlett
Jaime Bergman

 Hello again capitalist brothers! I am very glad you fly all the way here to Dmitri Badfilmova’s Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative to view our newest buster of blocks, Boa vs. Python! After massive international success of super-mega hit Shark Zone we decide to make another crazy animal rampage movie. What make this movie different from Shark Zone you ask? Silly American, no sharks in movie named Boa Vs. Python! Ha! So obvious yet you not figure it out… No No, that’s good. It mean suspense!
 
What that you ask? Is this another movie made almost entirely of stock footage? No no, not this time my skeptical western customers, this time we hire first class 3D studio modeling company to make our fantastic super-duper-real CGI snake effects. How good are they? You ever see extra-super-fun game Playstation? Well these look almost as good as what you see on Playstation games featuring giant monster battling CGI snakes.
 
What that? Vodka? Yes, of course I have vodka, you kidding this is Eastern Europe? So cold here sometimes make you want to douse yourself with gasoline and smoke cigars just to stay warm. Vodka usually safer for heating body though, so we usually use that.
 
Here you go my brother, a nice tall glass for you. Only the best for my, shall we say, business partners, this is Volkoff Vodka, cost almost four American dollars per gallon. Very, very good stuff.
 
Hey, someone smell turpentine? You smell that? No? Must be just me…
 
What were we saying now? Oh yes, Boa Vs. Python, we begin in Bulgaria… No no, sorry, that where we film. Is very expensive to film on location, so we use single giant power plant said to be in Philadelphia USA! We so frugal this time we don’t even buy stock footage of Philly, though to be fair I had lovely production assistant Druschenka make me tasty cheese steak sandwiches during shoot. We save so much money not buying images of Philadelphia that we able to hire actual actors for this movie. That’s right my rich American cousin, this time we don’t even have to assign two roles to one guy like in Shark Zone. Now we are very professional and assign one role each. We even scored three full-fledged American superstars for Python Vs. Boa, we get most excellent super male lead David Hewlett, beautiful and talented Jaime Bergman, and Kirk B.R. Waller. All three of them most excellent actors with impressive background in film and television!
 
Never heard of them you say? You kidding! Well let me tell you my friend, we even have enough left over to rent Playmate for second banana to non-snake villain role! She extra good because we convince her to do nice long gratuitous booby shot! Booby shots are extra important too, because when audience focusing all their attention on booby, they not listening to dialogue. Plus, no matter what anyone say, real boobies look better than CGI boobies anyday!
 
But enough of our excellent cast. Now we talk about plot!
 
Movie opens in Atlantic City, well not really but you know what I mean, big auditorium full of happy yelling wrestling fans. We meet big-bad human villain now, Broddick (Adamo Palladino) the cigar-chomping, muscle-bound jerk of a man who owns massive casino empire and is also most excellent big-game hunter. With him is most excellent Playmate girlfriend, Eve (Angel Boris). She have big snake tattoo on back so everyone know she is badass hunter! Is great yes?
 
They sitting at ringside as two masked wrestlers Boa and Python make horrible beatings on one another. Meanwhile Broddick receives phone call from partner in crime Ramone who has secure “they package” and is transporting it to Broddick. This news makes the cigar-chomping, big-game hunter very much happy.
 
We cut seamlessly (well, okay, we inte-rtitle every location change so it’s not really seamless. This was Vladimir’s idea, but we fire him if you don’t like it, okay?) to “25 miles outside Philadelphia” where Ramons’ caravan of great big truck and several SUVs stops on a rural road. Something in back of big truck making much thrashing and noises. They open truck and giant CGI snake kills everyone and escapes! Adding to excellent super excitement we throw camera around as if being held my cinematographer in the midst of a gran mal seizure. Still more greatness is we never show anyone near anything or anyone else so impossible for audience to make sense of action scenes because audience cannot related location of one person to another or giant snake to any of them.
 
Ramon has dynamite sticks and sets one off just before he is eaten by Playstation snake monster.
 
Cut back to Broddick and Eve and exciting wrestling match between two masked men named Boa and Python. Notice crowd holding signs saying “Go Boa!” and “Go Python!” and “Boa vs. Python!” This way we remind audience that they still watching movie and not paid advertisement for Eastern Block Backyard Wrestling VHS collection. We learn this trick from KGB guy who works as consultant, technique called “subliminal messaging”, when we show him this scene he suggests we don’t understand it so well.
 
Strange though, now I have urge to drink Coca Cola all day long… funny thing, yes?
 
More vodka? Already? My friend you should be careful, Vladimir the lighting technician drank Volkoff Vodka to excess and he is now blind. Ok, ok, I am sure you know best… Yes, yes bottoms up.
 
So, during exciting wrestling match one of the fighters is thrown from ring onto floor right in front of Braddock. Amazing sequence as Eve draws her pistol and orders wrestler back into ring because they paid $500 for seats. Yes, of course I realize that Braddock supposed to own this casino/wrestling match, but like all good new capitalists, he pays to get in. Like we say, Russian drink, everybody drink! Russian pay, everybody pay!
 
Now through magic of clumsy edits we cut to grassy field 24 miles outside Philadelphia where the bodies of the transport crew are laying in various states of destruction. Okay, really this is just the cast from that scene drizzled with stage blood, but you get the idea, yes? No one think to ask why snake would kill all five of these people and not eat them, but then, we wanted to make serial killer movie but could not find suitably inarticulate actor to wear festive costume mask and run around with meat cleaver. Also, university where we want to film such movie not allow. But, we do get permission to shoot in power plant. However, idea of coeds running around power plant from crazy killer guy not so believable. Therefore we make super giant CGI snake and use almost same script. Economy is buzzword here at Dmitri Badfilmova’s Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative. We make little changes here and there so instead of long expository dialogue about wronged killer, we have long expository dialogue about giant snake. Almost so seamless you can’t see if it you out getting popcorn in kitchen!
 
We meet new characters now, special FBI man Agent Sharpe (Kirk B.R. Woller)… “Sharp” get it? He is, like really smart guy, so we name him sharp! So clever we are!
 
He and his partner Maria Koznetova (Marianne Stanicheva) and several extras dressed like sheriff’s deputies are walking around bodies and attack site. Sharpe sees a giant snake scale in the back of the transport truck and immediately knows that the owner of said scale is 80 foot long python. How does he know this? No idea… Vladmir dropped the script pages one day and I think we lost a few… that was probably one of them. But, no matter. Is still super exciting!
 
We also introduce another tantalizing character set, news reporter Kent Humpries (Jeff Rank) and his cameraman sidekick Louis (Velizar Blatetchki… he played Volkoff the Russian gangster in Shark Zone) who are covering the massacre on the highway story.
 
Humphries demonstrates he is easily a reporter worth much more than his action news team is paying when he asserts to Sharpe that the orchestrator of this massive calamity are Al Qaeda terrorists.
 
Then, for fun, which is new for us now that we have enormous budget of almost fifty dollars to make film, we inject intentional humor into picture. We bring in clumsy deputy, he trips and falls, face first, into one of the corpses. Blood and gore smears all over his face. Is great idea yes? Test audience love it! Even though in real life same deputy would probably projectile vomit all over entire cast and set if it really happened, in movie we make deputy so stupid he doesn’t even realize he has viscera stuck to his cheek!
 
Oh the laughs!
 
We take greatest deputy in western culture as our model, Barney Fife!
 
Anyway, where were we? More vodka? You must have super bionic liver my Western friend!
 
Cut to excellent CGI jumbo jet painted with the name Braddock on the side. We get idea for this from most excellent blockbuster of American Cinema, Soul Plane! Inside Braddock jet is Braddock and Eve. Eve offers us lovely gratuitous booby shot now as she takes luxurious bubble bath. How she take bath in jumbo jet you ask? Easy, inside of jet is really soundstage silly, that also explains the marble pillars and easy cellular phone and Internet access for the two passengers! This is how Braddock is able to learn that his hunt doesn’t have to be cancelled. He watches a news report about the attack on his in-fight TV.
 
What’s that? What if plane hits turbulence when Eve is in bathtub? Hmmm, good question, will have to ask my friend Boris who is part time baggage handler for Aeroflot… But enough about silly concepts like physics! Now you get to really amazing super-duper wet-your-pants special effect. We love movies where heroine is menaced from killer-eye view! So we do killer eve view for Eve’s mile-high tub! Something sneaking up on her, is moving slowly, she doesn’t see it… can you feel the suspense!
 
It’s a snake! A little one, a boa! Why is the viewpoint of the snake so far off the ground you ask? Easy, snake not really holding camera silly! You Americans and your literalism! Whole scene is, how you say? Metaphor! We illustrating that big plot point will involve mating issues between giant CGI snakes!
 
We cut back to well appointed cabin of our phoney-baloney airplane where Braddock is talking to his hunter buddies. You see Braddock was planning to hunt big snake on a piece of his land near Atlantic City, but since snake escape, he and his gun-toting friends must hunt snake in whole different place!
 
Eve bursts in screaming, holding a rubber boa constrictor! She yells and screams that she hates snakes (we steal that from Indiana Jones movies, bet you didn’t notice).
 
Ok, now here is great effect we pioneered in Shark Zone. Because of magical post-production sound we can easily add spooky and terrifying sound effects to things that otherwise make no actual sound. We saw some of this when the Python first burst from the transport truck, we overdubbed much roaring and snarling of lion. Now with little rubber snake we overdub squeaky-dog-toy noise. That makes audience think snake is “cute”.
 
Cut to inside of super amazing power plant (we leased this for three weeks for the cost of a case of Volkoff Vodka!) where two men are working on steam valves. What do valves do? They make steam, of course! You silly viewers, that’s what all factories in movies do, they either make steam or make sparks! If the steel mill would have agreed to the case of Volkoff price then these two Russian bit part men would be working on spark making machines…
 
Anyway, one man finds a small piece of snake skin, it’s rubber, we know… our prop man got into the Volkoff Vodka that day and the best we could sober him up for as a snakeshin that looks sort of like an oversized lambskin condom. Anyway, right away the giant snake sneaks up on the two men. How does he sneak up on them? Easy, we use movie trick where characters in film cannot see anything that is out of frame!
 
One man is eaten, the other runs off.
 
Cut back to the Agent Sharpe discussing with his partner the need for a super-special-specialist in animal-human partnerships, Monica (Jaime Bergman). Cut to a resort pool and the inter-title, “Miami” where the camera pans over dozens of nubile pasty Russian sunbathers until landing on a blonde bombshell of a woman in a blue bikini. She is wagering something with a gaggle of Russian extras. Alongside them a giant monstrous wrestler of a man tears off his shirt. Before you can ask “what the hell is going on?” he leaps into the pool.
 
Monica takes bets of $50 each then leaps into the pool. It’s a breath holding contest and she and the giant Russian, who is supposedly a former Navy Seal (assuming Seal’s can be muscular Russian nationals). She takes off her top offering a nice booby shot (in case you forgot what they look like!) which breaks the Russian’s concentration and he looses.
 
Monica swims to the surface and collects ten times the budget of this movie from the people standing beside the pool before encountering a pair of shoes and a pair of pants. Uh oh, it’s another FBI agent and he tells he that Sharpe has summoned her and all of her gear to Philadelphia.
 
Cut to Sharpe and Monica in the back of one of the three SUVs you see being used throughout the movie. Sharpe explains that her gear is critical to them catching this mammoth python and that this will be her final field test.
 
She is not enthusiastic, but then who would be under the circumstances. We make it so that she has a past as a dolphin researcher, but since we didn’t secure any stock footage of dolphins for this movie you will have to imagine them performing many of their funny antics of bouncing balls and leaping through hoops.
 
They arrive at special laboratory of Dr. Emmett (David Hewlett) a herpetologist. We actually use the administrative entrance to the steam plant we use for all the other locations in the film, but it’s economical and no one notices anyway.
 
Sharpe goes off to look for Dr. Emmett while Monica waits on the steps. Dr. Emmett appears and they all go inside the super-futuristic lab (which we will use in no less than ten other films this year including Deep Shock!). Dr. Emmett has a special snake, a giant Crimson Boa that he is using to create some form of universal antivenin, he explains this process in great excruciating detail at least three times during the movie so there is no need to pay attention to it here. Not that it matters anyway since both Pythons and Boas are non-venomous snakes.
 
We get to see giant monster Crimson Boa now too and it’s the same exact CGI snake we saw earlier only tinted red. See economy! See how we save valuable money in making epic herpetology adventure movie? CGI makes it easy! Soon we will insert full CGI Russians instead of real Russians as it is so much cheaper, and easier to get them to fake a non-Russian accent!
 
Emmett is reluctant to let Sharpe use his snake, and even more reluctant to let Monica implant a bunch of high-tech-whiz-bang experimental gear into her. Oh, yes, snake is woman snake… see, we leading you to whole subplot about giant snake love!
 
Sharpe uses his amazing verbal skills to convince Emmett to assist him. He threatens to take away his funding for the giant snake herpetology lab. Emmett doesn’t have any way out it seems. But he gets Sharpe to agree to only try and put the python to sleep rather than blow it into a million, billion pieces. Sharpe agrees. Monica, for all her blonde breath holding dolphin training goodness, doesn’t want anything to do with any of this. Her equipment is meant to help dolphins locate underwater mines and kamikaze enemy torpedoes not sit on a giant snake’s head so it can hunt another snake in a Russian steam factory.
 
Cut back to Braddock waiting for his hunter pals to join him. In keeping with the intentional humor portion of our film the hunters are all broad brush archetypes, one his a super-hunter guy, another is a father son team in matching orange vests and hats, yet another is “Tex” a Russian Texan, and finally the last is another super hunter with a bow. The last guy is supposedly super special because he is an expert tracker. However, since we lost some script pages to a critical toilet paper shortage during pre-production (surprisingly absorbent), the scenes where he demonstrates his above average tracking skills are not in the film.
 
Braddock and his friends walk slowly in a scene we stole directly from Reservoir Dogs until starting their pre-hunt meeting in which Braddock hands out a dossier on the snake he’s captured and is now loose in the surrounding wilderness.
 
That night two teenagers (the girl may be at least 35 years old and the boy at least 30) smooch and play in the backseat of a station wagon. Something bumps the car and the boy gets out to see where all the racket is coming from. But there is nothing to see and he gets back into the car and allows the girl to give another booby shot as the boy begins simulating oral sex.
 
Very cheeky we Russians are, yes?
 
And in keeping with all the knowledge we learned from watching bootleg version of Scream purchased in Kazakhstan marketplace, teen sex means death. The Python snatches the boy away. Since the girl is so in the throws of passion she fails to realize that he is gone, eaten, and that a giant snake is now licking her inner thighs with his heat sensitive tongue.
 
She too is eaten just as she realizes she has crossed the species barrier.
 
Cut to all of the hunters prowling the woods in two groups, Tex, the super hunter guy, and the father son team go one way, Braddock, the tracker, and Eve go the other.
 
Oh, look at the time! I have many, many meetings to attend today preparing our next production Boa vs Python vs Shark Zone vs Deep Shock! So I will summarize the remaining excellent film for you.
 
Everyone ends up in the steam factory where the snakes alternate between eating the soldiers and hunters. Miranda’s equipment doesn’t work so the scientist team is left without a good way to track the crimson boa. The Python wants to mate with the boa, the boa does not want to mate with the python. A nest of eggs is discovered, Eve is eaten by the crimson boa.
 
The CGI snakes, perhaps because they are CGI, and perhaps because they are giant (it’s never really established… remember that toilet paper shortage I mentioned) are impervious to bullets, tranquilizers, and flamethrowers.
 
The film concludes with the boa and python writhing around on a Philadelphia subway platform until the python is beheaded. The crimson boa escapes into the subway system.
 
We save dozens of dollars on this film too and recoup our costs by offering the DVD in both English and Thai, that way we tap into the extremely lucrative Siamese market for giant CGI snake film.
 
Things looking good for us at Dmitri Badfilmova’s Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative… Hey, where you going?