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Pterodactyl

By: 
Big McLargehuge
Directed by: 
Mark Lester
Cast: 
Cameron Daddo
Coolio
Amy Sloan

Hello again my favorite western investors! I has been many, many years since we have the pleasure of your company here at Dmitri Badfilmova's House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative. The last time was for super smash hit Boa vs. Python, yes? Most excellent film that was, yes? Make literally HUNDRED of dollars on that film. Board of directors here, namely me, am VERY happy with handling of Boa vs. Python and that's why we've flown you all the way back here at no expense to unveil fantastic new amazing wondrous monster film extravaganza for your eyes first. Getting in on the ground floor here is amazing opportunity to be at the forefront of dinosaur-and-Coolio-based monster franchise.

I can see from your wide-eyes that mere mention of master thespian, Coolio, has thrown your brain into a seizure of amazed joy. How, you ask, can small outfit like Dmitry Badfilmova possibly afford most excellent ethnic actor like Coolio? Simple! We promise him 10% gross! Even Coolio cannot pass up such potential for vast riches when new monster extravaganza released into the Southeast Asian and sub-Saharan Africa marketplaces.

What's that? Vodka? Already? Of course but didn't you learn your lesson last time that Volkoff Vodka is not something with which to trifle? Speaking of which, how is the new liver? Excellent. Certainly. Drink up now. I'll leave the bottle right here on the table, but remember to keep it away from the candle.

So, as we saying, this film directed by most excellent American named Mark Lester. He is very famous and influential creator of amazing films and we are very lucky to secure his services — What's that? Oh, yes, same as Coolio, only better. Where Coolio receives 10% of gross, Lester receives 15% of gross. Lester brings decades of excellent film experience to house of Dmitry Badfilmova. Admittedly we were all somewhat concerned that his vast experience with actors of such caliber as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Steven Segal would make him reluctant to work with our outfit. But you know, a little talk, a little Volkoff Vodka, a little rohypnol, and some "accidentally locked-in my home safe passports" and he was more than willing to put his talent to work for us. Don't ever let the world tell you that Dmitry Badfilmova cannot negotiate with the best of them. I get lessons early as collection specialist for Uncle Vanya and his friends in Bulgarian expansion of Red Mafiya.

Anyway, here I am running my mouth over ancient and very uninteresting history while you sit there staring. I sometimes forget myself. We are not here to talk of my illustrious and successful past, but to talk about your wondrous future as distributor of Pterodactyl, the new mega-blockbuster of excellence and terror.

Why dinosaurs, you ask? Great question and one I am very happy to answer! Dinosaurs are super-duper popular, what with Jurassic Park, and all of those smarmy BBC Walking with Dinosaurs TV shows, not to mention the amazing advances in computer graphics that allow for creation of virtually life-like monsters from ancient past! Public seems to have insatiable lust for dinosaurs and who am I to deny them the object of their lust. Not sure about public's lust for washed up rappers with questionable acting chops, but we sure to find out that too! If works out maybe next film be sequel with computer generated Coolio as well as computer generated velociraptors? Wait a moment so I write that down!

Best part yet too, so sit down, be calm, and try not to suffer conniption of amazement! No one yet think to make film about flying monster dinosaurs who spring from inside volcano and terrorize world! Never, every before has such an amazing film been proposed — What's that? Giant Claw? 1956? No, never heard of it. Rodan? 1955? Really? I don't believe it. Two of the three newest Gamera films? You don't say — Pass that vodka bottle over, would you? Excellent!

Well, again, let us not dwell on the past and concentrate on today's movie.

Pterodactyl is meant to hearken back to those old classic monster films that so thrilled us as youths! But, since world is not longer place filled with hopping socks and malted milks, we update the script to reflect hip new world of today's youth. That, of course, means that all characters will be instantly recognizable as coming from other similar films. One could almost call it parody if we not completely serious in the presentation of this prehistoric horror and mayhem. Better still, as a way to link these thoroughly modern archetypes to the classic age of science fiction, we name them all after famous science fiction writers!

Cle-ver! Yes? I'll take those gulping sounds to mean "yes"!

Honestly. You probably shouldn't drink Volkoff Vodka straight from the gallon bottle like that. Vladimir did that on a bet last winter and immediately afterwards fell into crippling blindness. Is okay though, his seeing eye dog is very friendly.

Film opens with ominous crack in volcano set, much steam and smoke billowing down through crack into huge cave. We accomplish this amazing effect with tiny little tabletop model, but you can hardly not tell if you covering your eyes in terrible fright. Down through the crack rolls one egg, then two, then — I know the suspense is killing you now — three! One egg cracks open and baby pterodactyl head pokes out through hole. What's that? How come the head is so big, and if the head is so big then the rest of the body can't possibly be in the same egg?

It is movie! I remember having to remind you of this last time, yes? This movie. This not nature documentary like Walking with Dinosaurs! This movie. So what if egg and head of pterodactyl wrong size in relation? No one ever see real pterodactyl, so no one can say for certain that Vasilly didn't make puppet to perfect size!

Give me a moment. I count to ten now. It not often that my potential capitalist partners make me angry, but sometimes it feel as if you prejudge poor Dmitry Badfilmova and his most excellent film products without appreciation for how hard these are to make. We have to steal graphics software, borrow script pages from other films, kidnap actors, and buy equipment on the Bulgarian black market. You think this easy? You think these masterpieces make themselves?

Wait. I count again. A-deen, dva, tree, chye-tir-ye, pyat, shest, syem, vo-syem, dyev-yat, dyes-yat. There, whew! A-okay now my friend, a-okay now.

Okay. So we cut from MOST EXCELLENT scene of eggs to three men walking in a lovely grassy meadow. Notice the lush lovely meadow. We shoot whole movie in same one acre plot. Is lovely place! The title comes up, "Northern Turkey" because — why? Silly! That where Pterodactyl takes place! We know American audience probably can't find Turkey on a map, or that most of them don't even believe Turkey is a real place. But we set it there anyway because you see, film about giant flying monsters, and since no other country have name of bird for name, it only natural that we use Turkey as setting! That way too, even the pasty Russian actors who pepper all of the non-speaking roles look like they are lost in foreign land too! Thrift my friends, on this case thrift with dramatic tension!

While men who are obviously American type bird hunters walk through field first one is eaten in half by CGI pterodactyl, amazing effect really, as legs and viscera tumble over. His friends panic and shoot randomly at the sky until they two are killed. How these men who have shot a brace of pheasant cannot hit a giant slow moving CGI pterodactyl is difficult to explain, suffice to say they obviously so scared that they cannot hit lizard as big as small plane only five feet away.

Who cares? This whole scene is to establish that many monstrous pterodactyls prowl the skies, this is not a scientific treatise on how flying dinosaurs hunted. Is movie! MOVIE!

Now we get to meet our cast, and boy-o are you in for a treat. Remember how I said that all characters named after famous science fiction writers? Excellent! Dr. Lovecraft and his team of student paleontologists are in Turkey on a research expedition for special fossils found only in and around our tabletop volcano model. With him are his graduate student and love interest Kate Heinlein, and four undergraduates, Angie Lem, Bradbury, Donaldson and Kemper. Don't bother asking what first names are for the last three because they are all going to be eaten up and turned into CGI bird poo before long and therefore don't need first names.

Besides, coming up with good American first names is not easy for us. In Russia all first names are poetic and lovely, Dmitry, Vasilly, Igor, Vladimir. Russian names all sound like poems written by Pushkin. Meanwhile, American names like Joe, and Bob, and Steve, all sound like they grunted out by zoo animals, so we skip them.

Donaldson makes a few little science fictiony references to Angie but she, like all pretty blonde girls when presented with a geek and his strange geek references, is not impressed. Angie also does not get along with Heinlein and accuses her of being "butch". This allows us to establish Angie Lem as the basic villain of the story early on.

You notice that we spend even more for actors this time than on both Shark Zone and Boa vs. Python combined. We lure — hire — six American actors this time. Most excellent Cameron Daddo is fantastic as Dr. Lovecraft. His specialty, aside from being in most excellent monster dinosaur film made in Bulgaria, are dozens of big parts in small films and very small parts in big films. His other specialty is being able to act as if the entire film taking place around someone else. As if he almost not really here reacting to invisible CGI pterodactyls, but instead dreaming of being on different film in different place with different CGI dinosaurs swirling overhead.

Following him is the incomparable Coolio. His specialty is being able to consistently act like Coolio no matter what situation or role he is meant to play. That, my capitalist brothers, is range. We also love him because we save on opening and closing credits because Coolio have only one most excellent name and not two like Jet Li, or three like Rodney Allen Rippy, both of which we considered for role in this film, but both not interested as they are so busy with other non-film related tasks such as working at most excellent Wal Mart as greeter of capitalist money spenders. Oh well, their loss is our, and Coolio's, gain!

Pterodactlyl 2

Our cast also employs the lovely Amy Sloan who dazzled literally dozens of people as guest actress on such popular TV programs as Gilmore Girls, CSI, and as an extra in Gothica. Her other specialty is to look as if she is horrified to be involved in production of this film which translates to horror at the sight of CGI pterodactyls hovering overhead. Finally, in the daring role of Angie Lem, is Mircea Monroe, a starlet of incomparable talent who went on from this film to make super excellent films with people like Uwe Boll, a great friend of Dmitry Badfilmova just so you know, and appear as a guest on several American TV programs.

Her character, we learn early on, is on this expedition because her father has financed the trip for all six people to Northern Turkey, which to our American friends may be a fictional place, or someplace near, perhaps, Detroit, because we don't belabor the point for fear that someone might attempt to calculate the cost of sending six people across the globe like that and begin to poke holes in our carefully constructed script. Anyway, Angie Lem is named after famed writer Stanislaw Lem, notice first name, is LOVELY first name.

Where was I? Oh yes, Angie Lem's character is both ignorant and bossy. All of the characters, irrespective of their illustrious last names are archetypes so we have a nerd, a science fiction geek, a plain girl, and our three leads. This will make for much fun and frolicking as our geek and nerd characters vie for the attention of Lem and instead receive only distain. We learn much about American college students from such films as Revenge of the Nerds, only, our lone VHS tape was damaged so we never saw second part of that film. Production Assistant Druschenka wrote up a summary in which all of the nerd characters were killed and eaten by the Alpha Betas, which we all found to be very probable and funny. We at one time considered a remake of this film with the Dmitry Badfilmova touch but we couldn't make realistic enough CGI college students.

Anyway, back to our humble film and away from the masterpiece that is Revenge of the Nerds.

Our cast is meat outside of small Bulgarian village hotel meant to represent northern Turkey. They all pile into lovely yellow Soviet era open top Jeep and as they are preparing to leave for their 2 day trek to the tabletop model of the volcano, are approached by a local constabulary. He warns that the woods are full of bandits and they should be very careful. Angie demands police protection but our heroic constable says that he is the only official in the region and he doesn't go into the woods. Dr. Lovecraft states that bandits won't want anything to do with his scientific expedition anyway.

Why does Dr. Lovecraft think this? Simple! If he wasn't idiot, then whole film would have to end here as he wouldn't take Soviet era jeep and cast of stereotypes into the woods whereupon CGI pterodactyls would menace them.

Pterodactyl 4

But, you see, bandits not only problem! This time we have so much talent on retainer we can make two blockbuster movies of excellence. I want to make special film honoring Predator with many Special Forces military men running two and fro through woods chasing terrorists while being hunted by stock footage of great white sharks and maybe a giant snake. But, others want to make slasher movie about poor stupid American campers lost in the woods and hunted by crazy killer who was not loved enough by his mother. Fortunately we have most excellent and expensive resources here and were able to combine both movies into one plot, so we have stupid American campers AND daring American Special Forces squad.

These two plot lines also help squash minor rebellion on set when both Cameron Daddo and Coolio argue about who is the star of the movie. In eastern block film industry EVERY body is star! This time though we just ram both plotlines together and each gets to be star of their own mini movie.

Cut to an American military squad also out in the woods of northern Turkey. They are searching for international terrorist, Yolen. Squad is led by none other than Captain Bergen played by the incomparable Coolio. He leads his squad of soldiers through the forest towards a small encampment of Russian extras. The man he seeks is Yolen, but none of his camouflaged men seem to match the description.

What? Why is obvious United States military presence having maneuvers around border between Armenia and northern Turkey? Hey, friend, now we all know that the average American's understanding of world political climate, and such things as other countries and cultures, is limited to what they can be learned from reruns of The A-Team or Baywatch. Suffice to say we give the justification that Yolen is a terrorist because that's good enough. As far as most Americans are concerned the US military is a veritable terrorist stopping police like a sort of global Starsky and Hutch. Besides, it is not Dmitry Badfilmova's job to educate Americans on ways of the world.

You know, Vlad the first assistant editor drank that much Volkoff Vodka over one particularly celebratory Christmas and when he awoke three months had passed. But, you must know what you're doing, right?

Anyway. Yolen is not in the camp, we learn after Coolio and his men massacre — I mean, bring swift justice — to the camp. During the battle, which we film using latest state of the art replica weapons that fire blanks so there is no smoke or debris from any of the fighting, the leader of this terrorist cell of campers runs off with Captain Bergen in pursuit. After a short fistfight and a gunshot, the terrorist is dead and Bergen is partially deaf from a pistol fired right beside his ear. The squad decides to seek out Yolen at the next encampment on their map.

Cut back to our friends in the yellow Soviet era jeep. In keeping with the theme that these are all Americans, we have them argue like an American family in a long car trip. Angie wants to know when they are there yet, meanwhile Bradbury needs to relieve himself again. This whole event is prompted by Dr. Lovecraft arguing with Angie over her insistence that she won't pee in the woods and instead will wait until they have come across a — how you say? — Porta-a-potty? Yes? What is that? Oh, really? Strange! In Eastern Europe we call that luxury rural bathroom. Anyway. Heinlein drags Lovecraft away while Bradbury runs off to fine a convenient eastern European port-a-potty, or as we call it, "a tree".

This allows us to define the relationship between Heinlein and Lovecraft and before you can nausea inducing romantic subplot that will go nowhere, Heinlein reveals that she has a crush on the college professor, meanwhile Dr. Lovecraft has always had hots for Heinlein but hasn't even followed through with them because she is a student. However, since she is his graduate student there isn't really an ethical issue as she by far old enough to be in a relationship like this without fear of ethical problems.

Did I get that right? See, I had Druschenka write down the summary of that scene because it's baffling. My only contribution to the whole effort here was to have Kate Heinlein speak in several different European accents to liven things up and make the dialogue that much more difficult to understand.

Dmitry Badfilmova understand dinosaurs and shark footage, not sappy love and romance.

Meanwhile, Bradbury realizes he's standing on a nest of ants while urinating and runs off through a mass of something stuck to two trees. He immediately screams and runs off for the yellow jeep.

Cut back to Heinlein and Lovecraft walking back towards the jeep as well. They've decided to make their relationship something — honestly I can't remember what — but are interrupted when Bradbury shows up covered in what appears to be yellow powder. He leads them all back to the tree and declares that it's bird pee, tons of it.

Many Faces of Coolio

We use excellent substitute for bird pee, we use corn meal. Makes EXCELLENT substitute for pee, or poop, (but the cast calls it pee) and soon everyone is baffled as to how so much "pee" could be stuck to the tree like so much once wet corn meal.

Lovecraft is particularly annoyed that his cast of so-called college students are so confused by this pile of corn meal colored stuff. They decide to camp only two hours away from the tabletop volcano model and pick up their quest in the morning. When Angie complains that she is bored Lovecraft tells her to go swimming. She does, and is attacked by a pterodactyl. However, since she cost us tremendous money to be fourth American cast in the film, we do not let the CGI flying lizard eat her. Instead she is smart enough to dive underwater while Vladimir swooshes the water over her head with some plastic pterodactyl feet.

We really wanted to make a statement with this film. We wanted to say "look here. Dmitry Badfilmova gives you lifelike dinosaurs! Marvel at them!" and for the most part I am sure we succeeded. Notice how the membranous wings shudder and flap? How the head bobs and turns? How the whole thing looks like it could have been rendered on a Nintendo Wii only without as much detail?

But looks aren't everything. Cast has to interact with monsters for real good realistic monster movie scares and horror! First Angie throws her tee shirt at the monster, and it flies away, but the pterodactyl returns almost immediately and by then she has no clothes left to throw except for the bra and panties.
 
Excellent!

Also since we know this film will more than likely play endlessly on the pinnacle of your decadent western television, SyFy (or Sci Fi, or The Sci Fi Channel), we don't let Angie take her clothes all the way off as would be natural in this sort of movie. Remember how we used nudity on Boa vs. Python to take your mind off the rubber snakes? No such luck here.

Angie runs off from the swimming hole and bumps into Donaldson. She screams that a monster is flying down to get her then runs back towards camp. Donaldson heads to the swimming hole to see what all of Angie's screaming was about and he is snatched up by the pterodactyl and whisked away.

Kate intercepts the panicked (and now completely dry) Angie but no one in the camp believes that she's been attacked by anything other than Donaldson. Lovecraft, showing he is a sympathetic caring nurturer, suggests that it was Donaldson who attacked Angie. She screams that it was a monster bird thing.

Dr. Lovecraft and Bradbury return to the pond and seek out Donaldson but they do not find him. Donaldson complains about the mosquitoes that seem to swarm the pond. We do not, however, see them. Our most excellent actor Steve Braun improvised this all on his own and we were transfixed by his enthusiastic arm slapping greatness.

Back at the campsite, which incidentally sits dead center in the meadow between two sides of thick woods, Angie sits shivering in her tent. She is now dry and has retrieved her clothes. Angie has also been so traumatized by this ordeal that she's dried and styled her hair and reapplied her makeup. Talk about a strong woman character! Here at Dmitry Badfilmova's House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative we are all about women's empowerment. Notice that we have two strong females in the regular cast, and as we'll see soon, another in Captain Bergen's outfit. Of course, because no one would want to watch a film where these strong female characters act and think for themselves, we make them all second banana characters to the men.

Lovecraft demands to know, again, what Angie saw with regard to Donaldson's disappearance which is funny because she was running away from the pond and into the woods when Donaldson was taken. So, although we don't explicitly edit it that way, she couldn't possibly have seen what happened to him. None of this matters anyway as he was a bit player, right? He was set up to be CGI pterodactyl fodder so audience won't care if story not make perfect sense all the time. We have to cut corners sometimes to make the story move forwards.

Lovecraft doesn't believe Angie although she tries very hard to make her case sound believable. Kate begins listing giant birds for Kate and asking if it was any from her list that might have taken Donaldson. She actually mentions condors, clearly forgetting that she is in Turkey and that Condors live only in California and South America. I mean, even I, Dmitry Badfilmova, have access to that information.

Angie admits that she knows not what a condor, nor a vulture, is.

Lovecraft gathers a pistol that he's had stashed in his tent and demands that Bradbury make a fire. Since we have cribbed our student characters all from college comedies, Bradbury says he isn't allowed to play with fire because his mother forbids it. I had to explain this joke to Yanoosh the lighting technician and even then he didn't think it was funny. Yanoosh thought maybe that Willis Bradbury should be fed next to the CGI pterodactyls. Of course we spend many tens of dollars for Steve Braun and cannot afford to have him eaten so soon.

Lovecraft and Heinlein walk to the edge of camp. He's complaining that Angie is both annoying and stupid, a fact that we have tried hard to impart to the audience already, and we make it more apparent here in case any of our audience was so rapt with excitement they missed it the first ten times it was displayed. Heinlein asks him to call Burke the constable on the satellite phone but Lovecraft reminds her that Burke said he wouldn't enter the forest. She then says he should call the US Embassy, but he counters that it would take hours for anyone to get to where they are in the bush.

Heinlein then makes a giant Olympian leap of faith and suggests that he doesn't want to call anyone because it would mean the end of the expedition and he needs this to succeed because without publishing his career as a paleontologist is over. I am not sure there is that much pressure in the world of dinosaur fossils to make a case that this would ever be an issue, but when we read script over this place needed more drama. Clearly, losing a cast member to computer generated monsters is one thing, but we needed a reason to keep the cast out wandering in the woods like two-legged suet bird feeders.

At this point in the scripting process we were almost literally throwing whatever we had into the screenplay to see what might stick and drive us to the next scene. Romance? Bah, Heinlein and Lovecraft have as much screen chemistry as beige paint. Heinlein apologizes and wishes Lovecraft well as he plans to spend the whole night searching for Donaldson in the bandit-filled woods. He promises that if the student isn't found by morning that he'll take everyone back to town and get help.

Pee or Cornmeal?

Cut to Dr. Lovecraft walking around in the woods. That, through the magic of confusing edits, brings us to the camp of Yolen. Remember him as the subject of all the illegal and under the radar military stuff with Captain Coolio? He takes a woman into his shack as the rest of his bandits mill around. One of them mentions that they can't make contact with the other camp so Yolen dispatches a jeep load of them to go back and see if everything is okay.

We weren't sure what to make Yolen be when preparing this most excellent script but think of him as both a bandit and a human trafficker as he has several teen girls in his camp and they are the only ones not wearing AK-47s.

Before you can say "wasn't Coolio in this movie?" we cut to Captain Bergen watching Yolen through the window of his shack. Yolen still has his teenage girlfriend there as he sleeps on his cot. She creates a distraction so Captain Bergen can steal Yolen away without alerting his men.

Cut abruptly to the next morning as Lovecraft drives the jeep full of students back towards town when the CGI pterodactyl's attack. You can see the pride in my face, yes? These CGI monsters are the best thing ever done here at Dmitry Badfilmova's. You see, normally to keep costs down we "buy" stock footage of whatever animal we want to rampage through our cast. But this time we bit the bullet and actually hired a special effects team to create these lovely flying reptiles. Although they don't appear in shots with the cast, and usually show up way in the background, and we make enough cuts to keep the scenes flowing but not being spastic, they look as lifelike as you can imagine.

You noticed though, I am sure, that we use the same exact rendered footage almost every time the monsters are on the screen. Yes, sometimes only one swirls around, other times it's five or six, but you see they all have the same pattern, Their wings all move the same way, but at different times. That they all follow the same flight path. Yes, yes, no one is perfect.

We get away with much of this via the technique of sloppy editing. Besides, audience be so terrified that they shouldn’t be looking directly at the screen anyway. Right?

Back in the film our cast notices the pterodactyl swirling overhead and, before you know it, is swooping down over the jeep. The vehicle, of course, overheats forcing our wayward friends out into a lovely open meadow. As a way to save money we shoot almost the whole movie in and around this same meadow. This also gives us plenty of light to shoot by as none of this film takes place at night thus saving on costly electricity.

The cast runs for the woods, but unlike, say, a smart cast, they don't run for the woods that are right behind them in the shot, they run all the way across the meadow to the other woods. This allows our non-speaking character Gwen Kemper to be tackled by the some CGI claws and then whisked away to be eaten.

Watching this from the sidelines is Captain Bergen and his merry band of soldiers with their captive, Yolen, handcuffed to a tree. Before they can intervene the jeep filled with Yolen's men who were sent to check the other camp arrive and start trouble with Lovecraft and his students who've returned to the jeep for some idiotic reason that we never define in the script.

The men have rape and banditry on their minds and plan to take the rape part out on Heinlein and Lem, while forcing Bradbury and Lovecraft to look on. However, before this scene can play out the pterodactyls save the day for our cast and attack the bandits and students. Captain Bergen orders his team to hold their fire until they are sure they can only hit the bandits. This plays out for a while until Lovecraft and the others make a run for the woods, again, all the way at the far side of the meadow, as Captain Bergen's squad enters the battle.

Pardon me for asking good partners and friends, but why do you keep looking at your wristwatch? I admit that taking in all of the nuances of a film this complex, — is like onion, this film! — that it requires extra time to appreciate all of the story elements. Good heavens, you've drunk down almost a third of that vodka! Vasilly! Druschenka! Someone call emergency services! We have a code eleven! Just stay calm there, okay? Can you still see? Can you feel your legs? Excellent! Ambulance will be here in no time, until then though, let's talk some more about Pterodactyl.

As the combined crew walks towards safety we learn that Kate Heinlein's dad and Captain Bergen served together in the gulf war. Coolio, his acting, unbelievable, repeats "Bulldog Heinlein has a daughter. Small world!" over and over and over again. I think he might have forgotten that he had other lines, but to be honest, the other lines he was supposed to say make just as much sense. By now most audience will be taking a much needed port-a-potty break, yes?

Speaking of break, managing so many cast members is very complicated. We need to employ excellent Stalinist protocol of film and "de-character" the plot. Rather than do this by carefully airbrushing out all mention or image of the character to be de-Stalined, we simply have the pterodactyl's swoop down and remove cast members.

As whole cast walks through the dead center of a long meadow that is flanked on both sides by deep dense woods, and a matte painting of our tabletop volcano model looms in the back, the pterodactyls attack again!

Now that we have Yolen among our band of intrepid scientists, students, and soldiers we no longer need our original villain, Angie Lem. A CGI pterodactyl takes her leaving only her mannequin arm in the hands of Bradbury. Poor nerd. Oh well, at least he has something to remember her by! We also thin out the soldiers here and this gives us time to perfect a brand new style of special effects film making we learn from auteur Godfrey Ho?

Vasilly! Check on where ambulance is! Our partner is groaning and throwing up! That's good though my friend, projectile vomiting will help get some of the poison out of your system. Vasilly, hurry!

Where was I? Oh yes, special effects! We learn excellent technique of using department store mannequins for all discombobulated body parts. We simply paint the ends of the limbs red, then add CGI viscera, and in a few cases, real actual fake innards that we can swirl around with a puppet pterodactyl head! Is most excellent and realistic way to make excellent film of excitement and drama and terror! Yes?

We also introduce excellent super weapon here, a special heat seeking rocket that can tune into the heartbeat of a CGI Pterodactyl, but what makes this super special is it only hits its target when it's dramatically convenient. Excellent, yes?

Speaking of drama! Now that we have watched the pterodactyls have their way with the cast, and in many cases use their apparently cybernetic and therefore razor sharp wing edges to decapitate mannequins dressed in European combat fatigues, it's time to give them superpowers that have not really been introduced yet.

While the cast shoots wildly up into the air — they didn't know where we would be compositing in the monsters — one of them manages to catch Heinlein in its talons and fly away. Now, I know that your groaning means "But Dmitry, how can bird monsters who can't weigh more than a hundred pounds possibly fly off with a 120 pound girl in its talons?" And you know what, IS MOVIE REMEMBER! This is not National Geographic Special Presentation on Flying and Eating Habits of Pterodactyls. This is adventure monster movie!

While looking over the corpse of a dead pterodactyl, Bradbury insists that they should make sure to take a specimen back to civilization. Lovecraft, no doubt driven by his desire to rescue Heinlein who was inexplicably spared Godfrey Ho decapitation, says that would not be fair to the friends they have all lost to the monsters. Lovecraft was the first to have the "she blinded me with SCIENCE!" trait but gave it up as soon as Heinlein called him on it. Admittedly this part of the movie makes no sense even to me as all of the characters seems to switch personalities for a little while as they come to grips with the fact that some of the cast may in fact be alive somewhere on the tabletop volcano model.

meadow

The cast treks through the woods and argues about what to do next. Lovecraft insists that they find Heinlein, and Captain Coolio agrees. For once our two leads have the same purpose in the film. However, everyone is exhausted and hungry. They need a place to rest before assaulting the tabletop volcano model. To do this, Druschenka very happily lent us her camping dacha out in the woods. We put mannequin of dead person on the lawn and Vasilly works the pterodactyl puppet over the rubber innards before we cut back to show whole big monster eating the pieces of the dead mannequin.

The only female soldier, Zelazny (see another science fiction name!) creeps out of the woods towards the cabin, but is attacked by one of the pterodactyls. She is, however, able to create enough of a distraction that the rest of the cast and rush from the woods into the cabin. Druschenka tells me that this dacha has been in her family for three generations and it is lovely.

She was so happy to have her ancestral vacation home be part of this magnificent action sequence. She literally fell over in hysterical tears as the cast shot hundred and thousands of most excellent bullet holes through the roof and walls and windows and furnishings.

See, we not only borrow elements from classic monster on the loose films as Predator, and Friday the 13th and Rodan and The Giant Claw, and Gargoyles, and Them, and any number of other monster films, we borrow from Night of the Living Dead too and hole everyone up in the cabin. Only instead of fighting back increasing hordes of pancake-makeup covered extras in diapers, our guys fight clumsily rendered CGI pterodactyls. In keeping with the practice of adding monsters in post filming, the cast shoots in every single direction possible because they have no idea where we will put the monsters after the fact. This creates a lovely and exciting, delicious, buffet of confusion. It also allows us to have one of the CGI pterodactyl heads poke in through the window and try to eat Bradbury. Unfortunately for the audience, he is saved by Professor Lovecraft. Careful viewers will notice that we spare no expense in not splattering CGI pterodactyl blood all over our cast so that no matter how many millions of bullets they fire, no matter how many pterodactyls plummet to their deaths, none of the cast gets the least bit dirty.

This most excellent savings in laundry rolls right over into our next production!

The CGI pterodactyls are so terrified of the random gunfire, and use of amazingly fictional shoulder mounted heat seeking missile that can lock on to a flying reptile's heart that they flee for the tabletop volcano model.

Another great trick we learned while making one of our amazing shark opuses was to never say how many monster animals there actually were, that way no matter how many the cast destroy with their amazing machine guns that never have to be reloaded, there are always more monsters to throw at them.

I have named this "the snake eating its tail" style of film making. Pretentous artsy fartsy capitalist froo froo directors can have their cinema verité and their dogme, phooey. Who wants to watch mumbling talent less schmoes gloom up a boring love story about boring proletariat twenty-somethings? I'd rather hand assemble a five minute shark attack sequence using only stock footage of 100 different kinds of sharks than spend five minutes suffering through bullshit mumblecore idiocy.

I apologize my friends. In time since we last has the pleasure of your presence, much has happened to your good friend Dmitry Badfilmova. Some good, some bad, but all colored my outlook more than I noticed before. Also, industry of cheap Direct to DVD films changed too. One of our most favorite stars, Jean Claude Van Damm scored a little hit with a naval gazing movie about what a washed up Belgian waffle is he, Sylvester Stallone, a man we courted for no less than three possible projects, made a very good showing with that last Rocky movie — not sure what you call it in US and A, but we call it Rocky Fights Ridiculous Old Age here in Bulgaria. These men, these captains of action and adventure shouldn't be making films about what washed up morons they are now that the glory days of battling terrorists and robot boxers and insane fake Siamese kung fu stars, they should be embracing the new.

Here at Dmitry Badfilmova's House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative we would give them a whole new career fighting radioactive CGI komodo dragons, or super intelligent horseflies, or special genetically modified wheat germ monsters — our imagination is limitless — but they would rather stare at their own past with the rest of the audience and wonder what the hell happened to them.

Why do that when the can stand here and work with Coolio, or DMX, or Marc DaCascos or Lorenzo Lamas?

Ahhh, I think maybe the fumes of Volkoff Vodka wafting up from where you lay have made old Dmitry somewhat wistful —

Okay boys, so where were we? Zelazny and Bradbury are laid up in bed and have been tied together at the leg. I have no idea why they are like this, on day of filming I was called away for very important business with possible partner in the emergent Myanmar film industry. Anyway, the two of them being tied together is both stupid, and unnecessary as it raises questions like "what kind of idiot would tie two bleeding people together by their wounded limbs?" But, as I said, I was no on set, so I am not at fault.

Now the rest of the cast must figure out what is best to do next.

Cut to the inside of the amazingly realistic Pterodactyl nest. Kate is still miraculously alive and has managed to hide herself among the nesting materials whole a gaggle of little pterodactyl puppets chow down on one of Captain Coolio's soldiers. She manages to secure his radio and call in her location. She also mentions that the creatures seem to adhere to the same behaviors as modern raptors. Captain Coolio doesn't know what that means but Lovercraft explain it means eagles, hawks, and owls. If that's the case, he suggests, then the birds are probably diurnal and they should make their attack on the nest immediately after sundown.

Coolio is such amazing actor that no one can tell what he is thinking or doing any given time. Take this scene for instance. He asks what a raptor is, and it told, and still looks as of the other cast members have spoken to him in some unknown intergalactic dialect made up mostly of click and burps.

Lovecraft takes the radio and tells Kate that he loves her. She is less than suitably impressed by this great romantic revelation.

Cut to long shot of remaining cast trudging away towards lovely tabletop volcano model. Is still daytime to save money one expensive outdoor lighting, but that okay, we all pretty sure that most audience doesn't know what diurnal means. This is important too because the pterodactyls who have come to feast on the cast at every single opportunity fail to snatch Lovecraft and Captain Coolio and his friends. This leaves the two in bed back at the cabin.

Zelzany goes through her pack for Bradbury, shows him the pain pills, MREs, and pistol and bullets, then, she dies. Bradbury has no idea that she's dead until we cut to the outside to show only two pterodactyls at the cabin. What's that? How did the flying reptile monsters know that they were still at the cabin?

Great question! I will be sure to send it on to world-renowned paleontologist, Dr. Robert Bakker if you remind me to write it down.

The pterodactyl smashes through the window and wall to get to Bradbury and the dead body of Zelazny on the bed. Amazing yes? Why? What? Pterodactyl still only about 80 pounds of animal yet it is able to smash through lovely log cabin to get to tasty morsels? Yes yes, but these are not actual pterodactyls, these are CGI and here at Dmitry Badfilmova's can make our CGI pterodactyl's do anything!

Cut to Captain Coolio and his squad at the base of tabletop volcano model. Captain Coolio makes radio contact with Kate. But she can't talk as one of the big pterodactyls has entered the nest and is tending to the hatchling puppets. However through magic of efficient storytelling she finds a pistol on the floor of the cave-nest and shoots her way out. However, such valor does not come without a price, she falls from next cliff ledge and hurts her ankles. Fortunately, tabletop volcano model is not very high and Lovecraft and Captain Coolio are almost able to reach her where she lands.

However, since we still have 15 minutes of films left to shoot, the whole flock of pterodactyls attacks the cast. But with their magic guns that never need reloading — even a lovely 6-shooter — they are able to keep the beasts at bay until, because we are dealing with obviously stupid animals who will behave unlike any animals on Earth, they stop attacking as soon as the sun goes down.

Also, and more strangely, all monster flying lizards perch on easy to shoot stoop right at top of cave entrance yet human cast also shut down for the night, as if shooting all of the monsters as they sleep is some illegal act. Smart soldiers would wait for birds to sleep then shoot.

Even better if birds act like solar powered robots and stop as soon as sun goes down! That way shoot away and get girl and go home eat borscht. But that is too economical and we already pay for film canisters and posters say movie will be 94 minutes. So we make human characters as stupid, sometimes, as CGI pterodactyls.

This 8-hour period allows our cast to prepare a rescue of Kate from the horrible snapping CGI jaws of pterodactyl death. You see, although she and they appear to be only about 10 feet apart when we shoot Captain Bergen's group, through magic of CGI compositing we make them all 100 feet apart when viewed from other angle. So, audience has to assume that either Kate Heinlein has a head as large as Red Square portrait of Stalin, or that cast is much closer than they appear.

We like to think is like rear view mirror on lovely 1986 Trabant where object in rear view mirror may be closer than appearing. What's that? Of course we consider that audience might merely think we are inept at making of film — You know for people laying on a concrete floor with Volkoff Vokda induced paralysis you are pretty smarmy?

Where were we, ah yes, now is morning. We approaching the last exciting conclusion of this most excellent adventure! Just sit there and try to remain conscious! I know the tension and frightening is really awesome right now.

Cast must span enormous CGI span of at least 50 feet. Rather than having them climb around looking for a safe way to reach Kate, or having Kate try to find a safe way down, or Captain Coolio and his men climbing back down, crossing the ravine at the foot of the tabletop volcano model , then climbing back up, our friends procure a magic sheep.

Magic sheep, you ask? What is magic sheep? Simple! Magic sheep is lovely sheep that solves all script problems in one easy to make animal of yarn and sandbags!

This sheep will take all night to procure, but is okay! Captain Coolio ties lovely big rope to magic sheep and waits for largest of Pterodactyl, known to cast now as "Scarface" to take sheep back to nest for hungry beaked babies. Is excellent plan if you don't think too much! So, first magic power is immediately attractive to CGI Scarface pterodactyl. Scarface, the cast says, is larger than the other pterodactyls, but since we composite dozens of them at a time in the screen and have no reference objects most of the time we have to take their word for it.

Where were we? Oh yes! Magic sheep! First magic power is irresistible to CGI pterodactyls, second magic power is light enough to be carried up to the cave by Scarface even with heavy climbing rope attached. Now we come to most excellent and important third magic power! Brace yourself, okay? Once magic sheep lands on floor of cave it immediately becomes perfect grappling hook. Now with rope running all the way across the cavernous gully (that we make with CGI), single body of sheep is heavy and pointy enough to anchor climbing rope for excellent and exciting gully crossing scene!

Thank you magic sheep!

Last of the not-Coolio-soldiers shimmies over on rope now anchored by magic sheep to Kate who waits anxiously on the ledge. Meanwhile, Lovecraft climbs up the side of the mountain to create some sort of unseen by the audience distraction. During this time Yolen — remember him? — slips his bindings and is about to attack Captain Coolio when Kate shoots him in the right shoulder from across the ravine.

Non-Coolio arrives at the ravine and he and Kate begin shimmying back. Now, there is no reason at all for him to have gone all the way across the CGI ravine if all he and Kate were going to do was immediately shimmy back. He would have been more useful with Captain Coolio so they could both lay down suppression fire. But, you know, by now who cares, right? Movies like this write themselves but it's a good rule of thumb not to let them sometimes. Yes?

Scarface knocks Coolio out as Lovecraft leaps back into the visible part of the movie. Yolen pleads for a gun as the pterodactyls are swirling closer and closer. Lovecraft throws him the magic magnum that never needs reloading. Yolen immediately turns on Lovecraft — not that way silly! — and states that he is making a break for his freedom. And, because we at Dmitry Badfilmova's House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative know that bad guy must finish last, Yolen is snatched up buy Scarface and deposited into the cave where we watch as several pterodactyl puppets attack him.

Is like that famous internet porn film, yes? With the pterodactyl puppets, yes? Except we want this to be palatable to audience of Sci Fi Channel therefore we remove all porn and replace it with terrorist being eaten. Everyone much happier that way, yes?

Finally, Kate and non-Coolio-Soldier have their rope slide out from under them. Non-Coolio-Soldier is killed via CGI fall from CGI pterodactyl but Kate catches a ledge right near Dr. Lovecraft. Uh oh! CGI pterodactyl is RIGHT below her!

Good thing she can't act or she would most likely appear very frightened by the prospect of being eaten. Unfortunately modern CGI technology has not made it possible to digitally improve someone's acting — except possibly Jet Li, or Keanu Reeves, maybe both? — so you'll have to watch as she lays on the rocks with Lovecraft's hand stretching down to save her.

He and Captain Coolio pull Kate to safety but notice that Non-Coolio-Soldier is all broken and bleeding on the rocks below. He says he can't go on but he will press final button to send all pterodactyls to hell. This is nice touch, yes? I thought you say that.

But what is that? How did all broken up Non-Coolio-Soldier get explosives that were not mentioned ever in script into place where monsters going to get exploded? Excellent question, I will have to pass that on to script editor. I kid, I kid. I know having logic holes large enough to massive Jurassic flying reptile to fly through is one thing, having them so big that Starship Enterprise can fly through is something else. We get explosives into monster cave using fourth excellent magic power of magic sheep. See, we never mention explosives in story because then it not surprise anymore when we show pterodactyle puppets eating yarn with C4 explosives stuffed inside. Yes, yes, I know magic sheep was supposed to be alive when Scarface takes it to pterodactyl puppets, but that maybe magic power number five, okay?

Now Captain Coolio, Lovecraft, and Kate run across meadow towards deep woods on opposite side of tabletop volcano model. This allows us one last chance to show swooping flying monsters. Non-Coolio-Soldier detonates magic sheep and all but Scarface are killed.

As the three run, Scarface swoops down into hail of gunfire. Captain Coolio again uses the heat seeking missile gadget that has missed Scarface every time he's fired it at the alpha pterodactyl. This time though he locks onto the monster then waits for Scarface to take him before firing. That way is more dramatic, yes? Also gives us great chance to make CGI Coolio for use in sequel to Pterodactyl!

Unfortunately, because we still have three minutes of film left to shoot, movie cannot end where Scarface explodes and CGI Coolio dies. Instead, Scarface drops Captain Coolio and whole Kate screams in the background, Lovecraft runs to the stricken rapper's side, puts on the targeting goggles, and guides the wayward CGI missile to Scarface.

Final scenes now, so brace self!

Kate and Lovecraft walk, laughing away across meadow. All their friends dead. Coolio dead. Whole mess of American soldiers illegally in "Turkey" dead. Yet they still chipper optimistic couple ready to pursue their relationship with some measure of seriousness.

Finally, we bore through CGI tunnel to find more eggs and this time a CGI Tyrannosaurus Rex! Is much yelling and frightening!

Excellent yes? Amazing yes? Oh excellent, ambulance crew here now. They have most fantastic gurney and truck to carry you to hospital to pump out stomach. I call in the morning. We'll have papers ready, yes? Excellent! Okay! Don't forget we can get this onto Sci Fi Channel it will run forever and we can finance next movie! Giant Steven Segal Robot Shark Versus CGI Coolio Komodo Dragon!