Hello capitalist brothers and welcome to Dmitri Badfilmova’s House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative! Sit down, sit down! You would like some borscht, no?
I ask you to come all the way here to Post Soviet Eastern Europe for screening of new epic masterpiece, Shark Zone! You like Jaws, yes? You like Russian crime mafia film, yes? You like Shark Week on Discovery Channel, yes?
Then you LOVE Shark Zone! Is like Dr. Zhivago, is like Battleship Potemkin, is like Godfather! But, unlike those films which all different, Shark Zone take all of them, mash them together, then make group of Community College quality actors perform for you while very inexpensive stock footage of sharks offers much tension and frightening!
Because I, Dmitri Badfilmova, and all employees of Dmitri Badfilmova’s House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative, know true success only come when our glorious product available widely in United States, we set Shark Zone in San Francisco! But, saving money is our business, so we film all in Bulgaria. PERFECT stand in for San Francisco! San Francisco have Golden Gate Bridge you say? No problem, we buy stock footage of Golden Gate Bridge! San Francisco have many treacherous hills with trolley rides up and down you say? No problem! We buy stock footage of hills and trolley rides! Then, our team of editors create seamless vista of San Francisco with some stock footage taken on foggy day, and new footage of Bulgaria taken in rain, or bright sunshine! No one know any better!
Imagine this! I tell you best part now so suspense does not drive you to crazy madness! We break into American Market by hiring FOUR American actors! FOUR OF THEM! Never before has Eastern European film lavished such excesses on film! Who are these wonderful American thespians you ask? None other than Dean Cochran, star of such blockbuster films as False Witness where he played as masterful “Student #2” and The Woman Every Man Wants where he brought house down as “Male Humanoid”. Rounding out very expensive cast of American superstars is none other than Alan Austin an actor of incomparable talent and experience from such powerful performances as Uncredited Pilot in “A Man Apart” and Uncredited Happy Train Man in “Stardust Memories”! We not only spend out ample budget of new capitalist dollars and laundered Russian mob money on men, we hire American woman female excellent superstar too Brandi Sherwood who wooed literally dozens of men as Buxom Brunette in “Soulkeeper” and News Correspondent in “Y.M.I.”!
With cast like this, how can Shark Zone go wrong?
So, film begins with toy model ship and long narration about Spanish galleon traveling from Spain to New World with heavy load of diamonds! Very mysterious, yes? Since American students so confused by history of world before television we approved use of diamond cargo even though such stones were not really considered treasure in 1500’s Spain. No matter! And if Spanish galleon traveling to New World from Span, why is in Pacific, you ask? Is MOVIE OKAY, that’s right boy, we know it only movie! This wooden model plastic ship toy falls under terrible blight of stock footage lightning and terrible waves filmed for some other movie somewhere! Then, best part coming so hold onto your hat-socks! Toy plastic ship model toy sink in kiddy pool! We shoot whole thing in darkness so you can’t tell it cheap five Ruble model!
You want vodka? Now? We only just starting comrade… er… Capitalist brotherhood of friend! Okay, maybe just little glass to take edge off. There, drink up now…
Cut to inserted footage of Golden Gate Bridge. We get good deal on much stock footage so we use it over and over again to establish place. Clever huh? Maybe you savvy Americanski’s learn thrifty filmmaking from Russian brothers! Now, audience so ready to see San Francisco we show them special shots of Russian Military Helicopter flying over Vladivostok harbor, which doesn’t look like San Francisco, but that okay because we establish place already!
See how stock footage make great movie even better!
Inside Helicopter are many famous Americans including Dean Cochran (as Jimmy Wagner/YOUNG Jimmy Wagner) and Alan Austin (as Andy Wagner, Jimmy’s Dad). The Wagners run very successful business leading scuba diving expeditions in Vladivostok… I mean, San Francisco harbor! They take tourists to look for lost sunken toy model boat prop from beginning of movie!
To get to special place where boat prop toy model supposedly sank they take special modified HIND military helicopter! See, is economy! Russian navy want money, we give money and get helicopter!
All Americans leap from Russian helicopter into water. Notice the Vladivostok fishing and storage warehouses in the background. Yeah, we wanted to digitally remove those but Vladimir couldn’t get unlock code for stolen version of Final Cut Pro… Besides, no one notice really!
Are you ready for another super amazing breakthrough film storytelling propaganda special technique? I knew you were! Although all our diver footage shows regular people with regular recreational scuba gear, we use magic of post-production sound to let them speak underwater! Increasing excellent super effect of this film making pioneer technique, we have voice actors gargle their lines!
To make the realism of these excellent shark footage attacks even more realistic we added the sound of hungry lions whenever the footage shows a shark with mouth open! Is great and very scary!
Why you laughing? Is it because you have never seen such amazing thing in your big budget American action cinema? We at Dmitri Badfilmova’s House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative are very proud of our film inventions for your enjoyment!
Now, all these divers stumble upon wreck of the diamond-carrying galleon played underwater by sunken wreck of Russian steam freighter. Don’t worry, although this iron hulled ship from 1970s looks nothing like Spanish galleon is no problem, it covered in moss and coral and little fishes, so is okay. Also, so we don’t have to bring lights down to dangerous underwater places. We use wreck sunk in only 15 feet of water, that way natural sunlight filter down (even during scenes meant to be at night!).
How come no one else stumble upon this magnificent diamond-carrying wreck full of glorious treasure if it in only 15 feet of water and probably visible from dock behind where divers jumped from Russian military helicopter?
Have more vodka! Vodka makes all questions go away for a while.
Location of toy model plastic ship toy Russian freighter hulk not important anyway. Because this shark movie! So, once all divers exploring this wreck we show much footage of Great White sharks taken by famous cameraman Al Giddings. I am not sure where we got this, but I think Druschenka, our production assistant, Tivo’d last run of Shark shows on Satellite feed from Discovery Channel.
Anyway, divers swim happily over wreck of Ancient Spanish galleon from 1970s until shark footage attacks! I know you sitting on edge of seat now! Okay friend of Russian businessman, sit tighter! We accomplish all the fury and horror of shark attack by special editing technique where we intermingle five hundred thousand single frames of dissimilar footage into long shark feeding smorgasbord frenzy buffet of confusion!
Only one diver survives attack by Discovery Channel Shark Week, Danny Wagner. Even his heroic father played by Mega Superstar Alan Austin.
Why we waste literally hundreds of American dollars to hire superstar like Alan Austin to simply have him eaten up by spools of shark footage? Ha! We not so dumb here in Post-Soviet Russia. Like we reused short supply of rationed toilet paper during the Gorbachev years, we create whole new role for super mega star Alan Austin! And in same film no less! We make him mayor of San Francisco with new name and everything! He now known as Mayor John Cortrell.
This amazing innovation of casting save literal hundreds of dollars! And you say Americans only know how to make excellent big-bang blockbusters. Yes, yes, Jaws was good film, very entertaining, but would it not have been better if all characters in movie played by Roy Scheider? We would have even made him play mechanical shark if Jaws was Russian production!
But film making philosophy not issue today. Today we talk Shark Zone!
Ten years later Danny Wagner all grown up now with cute little American son of his very own, also named Danny! See we clever. We create two roles for one superstar American mega star in one way, we also stretch one character out over three people. Now we have Young Danny, regular Danny, and little adorable boy Danny.
Little Danny played by excellent first time child prodigy actor Luke Leavitt. He have much talent in his little body! You say great American actors like Dolph Lundgren are wooden? Well Luke Leavitt is 100% recycled particleboard. He try very very hard to not express any emotion whatsoever in whole film! Even when his character in great danger from barbeque fire he maintains the calm cool natural composure of someone who never saw movie camera in entire life!
Danny and Danny stand on dock in Bulgarian harbor. Danny asks if Danny is thinking about sharks… Hey, you know, this Danny/Danny business a little confusing… I wonder if audience notice and have comprehension problems? For rest of this story we call one Danny “Dad” and other Danny “Boy”, there that solve whole problem! Maybe with DVD release we use magic of post-production to change names so not so confusing.
Dad and Boy go home to Carrie Wagner (Brandi Sherwood) and talk about upcoming excellent festival of beach going and happy partying! Dad explains that he’s worried about sharks but Mayor Cortell won’t close beaches.
See, we see Jaws too! We take whole script pages from Jaws and use them here! Don’t tell Mr. Spielberg though, okay. Shhhhhhh.
Carrie Wagner tells Dad that he should make his point more forcefully to the Mayor.
Then without even a special stock footage establishing shot Dad and Carrie are on excellent stock footage of excellent yacht. Uh oh, stock footage of dangerous man eating sharks attacks boat and smashes through hull! Carrie is chomped by special custom made excellent muppet shark head toy.
Again we use special MTV type hyper-kinetic editing. Sometimes you might notice that much of this footage is the same as in other shark scenes, but don’t think about that. Try to remember that you are at different place in the movie now and so sharks MUST be different even if footage is exactly the same!
Dad wakes up in fit of screamy sweats! Dream sequence is one of Dmitri Badfilmova’s all time favorite scary techniques. I never get tired of it! Dad turns down offer of hot sex from Carrie. See, we Russians not all about exploitation.
The next day Mayor Cortrell tells Dad that very special prosperous Russian businessman named Volkoff is funding all of super special beach party and shark feeding festival! Is good publicity for emerging Russian economic power, yes? All Volkoff wants is Dad to lead diving part to special toy model plastic wooden sunken Russian freighter galleon.
Is good trade no? Spend millions of dollars on street festival to collect millions of dollars in diamonds? Of course good trade! We Russians know business very well now. Haven’t you seen all the exclusive porn sites run by esteemed Russian businessmen?
Where was I?
Ahh, yes. Dad refuses to take Volkoff to plastic toy model wreck. Mayor is very angry but Alan Austin so good an actor he not even show it! Dad asks for patrols to go and kill all the shark footage rampaging around San Francisco. But Mayor says no way Jose!
Later that day Dad is patrolling special Bulgarian beach for dangerous shark footage in excellent model HO scale helicopter! You can barely see the strings most of the time so it looks like great excellent perfect Die Hard helicopter shots!
He sees much extra dangerous shark footage swimming towards the crowded beach and calls stereotypical womanizing lifeguard guy and tells him to clear the water. Many pasty Russians stampede from frigid cold water as shark footage approaches.
Now we use extra special secret super duper shark effect to add even more realism. We have three special floating shark fins bobbing in water, or sometimes being towed by off-camera boat (we wanted to remove visible boat wake with special digital effects but user manual for stolen copy of Adobe Premier was all in Spanish. Oh well!)
We also have special shark puppet toy Muppet monster mechanical great white head and use it attack many smiling Russian bathers! Fake blood boils out of the water in many exciting sequences.
Again we employ the special confusing excitement editing technique. Actually, during screening one special nephew of production assistant fell over and had excellent foaming at mouth seizure for many minutes because he was so frightened.
The Mayor closes the beaches, but only until excellent beach festival time.
Dad collects several Russian diver friends and departs in his boat. We use Russian for ALL non-essential parts and redub their voices later so even savvy American audience doesn’t know they are really Russians! We use the excellent voice talent that usually works for Japanese companies on their giant monster films! Such quality they show in their work.
This really good part so have more vodka and get ready for a curtain of amazement to descent over your mind like a rockslide! We show boat leaving Bulgarian harbor from about 100 different angles! Also, each ancillary character is in perfect place from which to watch boat depart on shark footage killing expedition! The best part is that every single shot shows boat in different place in harbor so audience have no idea that divers not out in middle of Pacific ocean, but really only 100 or so feet off of special Bulgarian sewage treatment plant outflow pipe! If you watch in fast forward it is almost like the boat does popular American Hully Gully dance in the middle of harbor.
We also work in some stock footage of rocky islands so popular for seal habitat mating beaches off real San Francisco.
Russian actors do many things like climb into special all black diving suits, just like the ones used in the first diving scene…
YOU REALIZED IT? YOU really figured out the diving here was the same diving we showed before only in a different order? Hmmmmm… Maybe we should have shot two diving sequences?
Dad mentions only once that these sharks are different than any other sharks he’s ever seen because they are so mean and nasty and ugly and scary. He suggests that it’s because they are some throwback to dinosaurs.
To be honest I wanted this out of script. I mean, we all now tyrannosaurus not sharks, so making connection is dumb, also, if such special shark footage, why kill it? Would not such magnificent excellent old dinosaur sharks be interesting to science?
Sometimes Dmitri loses argument, sometimes he win. This time Dmitri loses.
Special super Russian actor extra guys get into special shark cages (but they not real ones, what you think we made of money?) Then we show lots and lots of footage from Mr. Giddings again about his excellent Great White Sharks!
Dad pushes fake shark cages away from boat and chums water with special Ocean Spray brand chum. A little fun tidbit from set? Okay, twist my arm. Cast enjoyed drinking this special cranberry flavored “chum” between takes! See, we Russians know how to have fun too!
While the stock footage of sharks attacks the stock footage of men in the excellent shark cages Dad manages to tag three of the beats with special scientific radio tracking devices! But in doing so sacrifices all three of his friends! Although he could have probably pulled the shark cages closer to the boat via the excellent rope attached to the deck, Dad knew it was more important to tag the stock footage of sharks.
He returns home, dejected, but his acting ability is of such amazing magnitude that even though he was instrumental in the deaths of three colleagues, and as it were employees of the city of San Francisco, he shows no emotion! Such stoicism is normally only a Russian trait!
That night during much stock footage of a Russian street festival Dad spends his evening getting very drunk at a bar complete with a traditional Russian accordion player and several eastern Europeans!
Volkoff approaches and asks again for Dad to take him to special sunken toy model underwater Russian freighter galleon full of diamonds, and again Dad refuses. Volkoff makes a slight threat about possibly abducting and kidnapping Son but Dad is too drunk to realize it.
The bartender offers to help chase down the sharks after Volkoff leaves because… are you ready for a most excellent plot twist?… The bartender used to get drunk while Dad’s father was out fishing! Isn’t that an innovative use of excellent script writing techniques? We at Dmitri Badfilmova’s House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative knew we had a winner when we hired the same writer, director, and producer who was all wrapped up in one excellent guy!
That night Volkoff tells all his Russian mafia legitimate businessman friends that they will kidnap little Danny boy and use him to make sure that Dad takes them to the sunken diamonds. Even though Volkoff is wealthy enough to bankroll the entire beach festival in San Francisco he still needs those diamonds!
The next day as Dad and Bartender Hully Gully out in the harbor we add some footage of the closed beach sign, then cut immediately to a bunch of American surfer/sailboarder guys. Dad sees them too and wonders aloud, “don’t they know the beach is closed?” Such excellent observations are what makes the Dad character so compelling. He can, at any moment, state the blatantly obvious in case the audience was too frightened by the terrifying shark footage to grasp it. At Dmitri Badfilmova’s House of Excellent Film Production Company and Borscht Manufacturing Cooperative we respect the intelligence level of all possible audience demographics, even the really retarded ones!
Dad screams for the boat captain to speed off towards the American surfers being menaced by bobbing shark fins and stock footage. However, the boat proves too slow and many of the American surfers fall prey to the rampaging stock footage. We use a special technique here too, by never ever showing the relationship between the stock footage of the boat and the footage of the menaced surfers AND the stock footage of the sharks, the audience can have no possible idea what relationship these visual elements have to one another. Better yet, since we use the exact same footage of the boat before, it’s like all of these events are happing in a weird alternate timeline!
One of the surfers manages to paddle to safety at the boat, only to be never heard from again for the rest of the movie! Back at the dock Dad and Bartender charter another extra special excellent HO scale helicopter and set off after the sharks. This time they use special radio doo-dads to find them and blow them up with dynamite. We make this excellent explosion by using about two seconds of footage from Jaws Three and five seconds of footage from some other movie with underwater explosions! It’s so seamless you can’t even really tell if you don’t look! Thrift, my American investor friends of Russian business, thrift!
That day too, while Dad is out playing in his special excellent effects helicopter model the Russians make their kidnapping of little Danny. This is very excellent too as we use much stock footage of a white Mazda van driving up and down the excellent wavy hills of San Francisco then cut to an American school bus driving through a skyline of traditional communist housing blocks. The kidnappers drive around with their black masks on so that no one will realize they are up to no good.
Then, through the magic of spastic editing they stop the bus and, being such cagey characters, leap from a completely different kind of van and steal little Danny.
With the stock footage shark menace sufficiently exploded the Mayor re-opens the excellent beach festival and many happy Russians stream into the frigid waters of a Bulgarian harbor.
That night on his way home Dad receives a frantic phone call from Carrie. The Russians have called and they have Son in their possession. Immediately after some stock footage of a jeep careening around Bulgarian streets taken from the film In Hell with excellent Belgian superstar actor and all around kicking-ass guy action star Jean Claude Van Damme, Dad goes to the dock where he is taken to a boat via inflatable dingy and told he must reveal the location of the sunken toy model plastic Spanish freighter Russian galleon wreck beneath 15 feet of water. Coincidentally, they are apparently already there but don’t know it yet.
Dad tries to beat up the Russian mob guys but fails miserably and has his mouth and nose bloodied. Volkoff sends two of his three henchmen to gather the diamonds at night under water. Luckily the runoff from one of Bulgaria’s excellent 1950’s era nuclear power plants pumps enough refuse into the water so that it glows as if lit in the full light of day!
Okay, you got me. That last part isn’t really true, but it might as well be. Do you know how expensive it is to film underwater at night? Very! So we shoot during day and filter with special black lenses to make it look like night if night was exactly in the middle of afternoon sunny day.
Dad spits his blood into the water, and we all know that stock footage of sharks LOVES to eat bloody spit.
Stock footage attacks. Actually, we just used the same footage from the very beginning of the movie to save money, but by now everyone in the audience will be so enraptured by the excellent superb filmmaking that they won’t notice.
You want more vodka? Gosh, you drink so much I think maybe you have Russian ancestors!
When the Russian men who talk underwater are eaten by the stock footage of the sharks Volkoff insists that Dad take his last remaining henchman down and ensure that the diamonds get back to the boat. However, Dad is no dummy, and since he is such a big macho American action star, attacks and kills the henchman guy as soon as they are underwater!
The excitement is almost too much to bear.
Dad then slips back up aboard the boat.
What? You noticed that he is dry? No… You couldn’t have. We shot this at night!
Anyway, Dad throws the evil Volkoff over the side where he is consumed in a fury of shark footage feeding frenzy excellence! In the struggle Volkoff knocks over something off camera which starts a small fire aboard the boat set. Dad leaps over the three-inch high flames and rescues Son from almost certain slow cooking and they escape in the inflatable dinghy as the boat explodes!
This best part, now movie all over and we get some extra expensive footage from a travel commercial showing excellent cruise ship. We also use much footage taken from someone aboard cruise ship, but since we can’t afford to shoot there, make small set beside railing and life ring. It’s so flawless you can’t even tell if you don’t look! Dad and Carrie talk about how excellent it is that Son is now no longer afraid of the water and has spent all him time in the pool. To emphasize this excellent change of events we show the same guy sliding into the pool footage three times between sentences!
Then, uh oh, Dad sees super imposed shark face footage in the pool! But, that’s okay, he knows shark footage can’t attack people in pools because the chlorine makes their eyes hurt.
Now we roll credits!
Excellent offering huh!
I was thinking we could release this excellent DVD with some trailers, chapter stops, in glorious full screen! Better yet, we could even include the trailer to Shark Zone in case anyone forgets what they are watching and needs a reminder!