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Shredder

By: 
Big McLargehuge
Directed by: 
Greg Huson
Cast: 
Scott Weinger
Brad Hawkins
Lindsey McKeon

I sat on the fence for a long time with Shredder. Was the murderous skier taking vengeance on snowboarders in a deserted resort worthy of the Pantheon that is the Horrorview Hall of Shame, or was it better served by a couple of skulls and short description? I kind of enjoyed the film on a better than Hall of Shame level. There was some stuff that worked kinda well despite the best efforts of the script and direction to make that a near impossibility, I liked some of the characters, I like the setting, I even liked some of the gore. Yet still, there was so much wrong; so many little things to needle me, so many things that begged for the Hall of Shame treatment.

To be honest I was torn.

I put the question of whether to shame Shredder to erstwhile bad movie companion Gristle McThornbody who answered readily, “if you don’t shame Shredder I’ll burn your house down, slash your tires, and eat your cat.”

Thus with my answer delivered as if from the gods themselves, I embarked on a second viewing of Shredder with the jaded eye of the keeper of the Hall of Shame.

Who better to write and direct a standard issue stalk and slash picture than Craig Carlson, head writer of such television horror genre fare as... er.. All My Children, and… er again… Another World and team him with second time director Greg Huson who’s other project was a romantic comedy that no one saw named Decaf? Of course the answer to this rhetorical conundrum is “anyone”. I mean, it’s cool to write and direct a slasher film, and everyone has to start somewhere, but with a resume as sparse and housewife friendly as these two guys I have to wonder why they chose Shredder and not something that played to their strengths behind the camera and keyboard like a Bulimia movie of the week for Lifetime or an after school special about not giving it up on Prom Night.

Slasher comes late to the party of the rebirth of slasher cool and borrows tone and style heavily from the Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer franchises, takes them out of high school, and plunks the whole mess down in an abandoned ski resort. In more talented and genre knowledgeable hands Shredder could have been fantastic, but Huson and Carlson don’t know how much to borrow and from which source.

Carlson’s soapy roots show especially, but so many takes on the script pull the movie into ten directions. Is it a taut stalk and slash thriller, a study of isolation and survival, a teen sex comedy, a Warren Miller snowboard movie, or an episode of Scooby Doo?

Shredder tries to be all of them, and that’s where it goes bad.

We begin on a mountainside as a garishly dressed snowboarder (aren’t they all?) careens down a sheer bowl followed by a tall skier in an ominous black ski-suit. Yes, it was hard to write ominous and black and ski-suit and not fall over laughing. If anything, ski-suits are the LEAST frightening clothes in the world if you ask me. They make the constant “zwoot zwoot-zwoot” noise when you move in them, and make every wearer look like a three year old heading out to the playground to make snow angels.

The chase continues down into the trails of some ski resort. The faded lettering on the signs suggests that the place is deserted, but that doesn’t mean the trails aren’t groomed to perfection. Anyway, in the midst of this chase the skier stops and pulls a trip wire and a strand of piano wire leaps up between two trees.

The snowboarder doesn’t see it and loses his head and hands.

Okay, this was actually pretty well done. The ski/snowboard chase brought to mind the older Bond films, you know, the ones that didn’t suck, and the special effects of the decapitation were very good and realistic.

The skier skids to a halt beside the bleeding and headless body and drops a handful of resort rules pamphlets over the body. Up comes the title, Shredder.

We cut to a very pretty blond girl in a shower, strangely she is still fully made up (thanks for Mrs. McLargehuge for pointing that out), in a scene meant to pay homage to Hitchcock’s landmark Psycho, a shadow appears outside the curtain. Huson lingers on this girl for a long time and yet we get not even a glimpse of flesh other than leg, back, and neck.

Yeah, it’s a gyp.

Anyway, the shadow pulls the curtain open and she suitably freaks. Turns out it’s Cole Davidson (Scott Weinger), her boyfriend. The girl, for what it’s worth is named Kimberly Can Arx (Lindsey McKeon). She yells and screams about being scared and calls Cole and asshole. She doesn’t even respond to the bouquet of flowers he offers. She throws him out so she can dress and finish packing. Where are they headed you ask? Why, to the mountain resort her dad’s business has just purchased. She and Cole will spend the weekend scoping the property out. Cole is looking forward to being alone with Kimberly, and Kimberly is not looking forward to being alone with Cole.

She proves this by inviting four friends along without telling him. Hmmm…. Get the impression she isn’t much of a girlfriend? Wait, it gets better… We get to meet her annoying friends, i.e. the archetypes of any stalk and slash movie. The friends are Robyn the slutty one, Skyler the stoner videographer and part-time snowboarder in awe of Kirk the second best snowboarder in the world, and Pike the sexually ambiguous but possibly gay snowboard chick

They all pile into Cole’s late model Jeep Wagoneer and head off to the mountain. Needing a pee-stop our band of merry snow frolickers pause at a small gas station near the base of the mountain. There they meet Christophe (Brad Hawkins) the eurotrash snowboarder guy who bums a ride after making goo-goo eyes at Kimberly, who is all too eager to return said ogling. When Kimberly asks where Christophe is from, because of his accent, he stammers and says “ahhh… Europe.”

Riiiiiight… Guess you didn’t think that far ahead eh, Christophe?

Skyler insists that Pike (remember, she’s a girl) take his camcorder into the ladies room and document “everything”. Amazingly she does, and we are treated to Kimberly and Robyn mugging for the video. We learn a crucial bit of information here, that Kimberly’s dad hasn’t actually bought the resort yet. Robyn questions Pike as to whether she’s a lesbian. Pike is noncommittal, but Robyn seems more than a little comfy in the arms of Kimberly.

Back outside Christophe climbs into the truck with the others and they all head up the mountain. The resort is barricaded behind a chained and locked fence. Cole explains that he’ll get the gate open and he and Kimberly stay behind as the others skirt the fence and go off to “shred”.

We cut back and forth between Cole struggling with the chain under the reproachful gaze of Kimberly and the rest of the cast snow-bunnying their way around the mountain. There are many cries of “awesome shred dude!” and “radical shredding man!” and “I can’t read and my whole life is a lie!” before Cole gets the damn gate open.

The scenes on the mountain are actually pretty good. The camera is amazingly steady for these shots and considering the modern tendency to fling the camera around like it’s on the end of a goddamn tether it was refreshing to see the action sequences and have some idea what the hell was going on.

In the midst of the frolic we see the phantom black-clad skier in the bushes and crossing trails where other characters just passed. We also see a strangely pretty pink and pastel blue-clad skier, who is obviously a girl.

Skyler sees her too but she doesn’t stop to talk. No one believes anyone else is on the mountain, though they are waiting for someone named Chad, who coincidentally happens to be the man Kirk rivals.

Got all that? I know, it’s like a soap opera…

They merry band assembles at the lodge and it’s obviously been empty for a while. The place is a wreck. While unpacking he Jeep Skyler panics because there isn’t any beer in the truck. He insists that Cole take him immediately into town to get some.

In town Cole passes a massive industrial size snow thrower. This thing is like a truck and can cut an easy twenty foot swath through even the deepest packed powder. Why is it out on the snowless streets? Easy, we need to see it now so we can see it later when it’s used to kill someone.

In town Cole stops at the only combination seedy bar and convenience store I’ve ever seen in a movie. Cole and Skyler get so many hard looks in the bar that I thought for a minute I was watching a prison drama. One of the people isn’t so nasty though, in the midst of all this “banjo-twangin” negativity is a really pretty waitress who makes goo-goo eyes at Skyler. Could she be the pink and pastel blue clad skier Skyler saw earlier?

You bet your snowboarding bruised ass it is.

Before you can say Scooby Doo Where Are You the patrons start up with the “stay off the haunted mountain” talk and proceed to lay out a few mysterious reasons why the resort is closed. A girl, a young one, a skier, was chased down and run off the trail by three reckless snowboarders, and now her ghost haunts the place.

Zoinks! Quick Shaggy, tell Velma to start up the Mystery Machine, we’re getting the hell out of here!!!

With their beer secured Cole and Skyler head back to the resort where although there is no electricity there is ample light to sit and play quarters and other drinking games. This scene just goes on and on and on and on. Note to Hollywood and all non-Hollywood direct to video slasher film production companies: watching people play juvenile drinking games does not make for a fun ten or fifteen minutes of screen time. Within this montage so like a very special episode of That 70s Show we learn that er… well, nothing really. It’s just shot to give us even more time with these mostly annoying characters.

I will say this though, Kimberly has her uppity soap opera villain routine down and uses the “truth or drink” game (ugh…) to further her campaign of embarrassing Cole at every possible instance. I mean, I know what he sees in her, she’s a babe, but wow, she’s a meany. Cole, being the testosterone poisoned of the bunch doesn’t really react to her needling.

I guess he’s a better man than most guys.

Cole and Pike head off briefly to the maintenance shed where, amazingly, they restore electricity to the resort. How? By flipping one switch. I guess that’s probably plausible, but I have to ask who would leave the place and keep the service running? I mean, even with the circuit breaker off the emergency lighting is going to draw power, and it’s a big place.

The power serves two purposes for the plot. Now the kids can get to the top of the mountain without having to walk, and us having to WATCH them walk up, and it provides some fun means of death by ski-lift which we’ll get to later.

On the way to the shack Cole, being the master of the verbal seduction says, “hey, you people always take things too literally,” after Pike makes a comment about Kimberly’s bitchiness. Pike responds, “what people?” Cole goes on about how he doesn’t have a problem with the gay lifestyle. Pike shrugs and they head into the shack.

Okay, I can see this happening ONCE, but we get the same sort of silliness between these two like three times. And to be fair Pike doesn’t make it a big deal, but Cole just doesn’t get the hint that her assumed gayness is nothing but a figment of his retarded imagination. Pike doesn’t help either by being completely noncommittal about the whole thing. She could solve Cole’s inability to read his Gaydar by simply saying “I don’t like girls.” But she doesn’t.

Like sands through the hourglass… these are the days of our lives…

Suddenly a knock at the door breaks up the festivities, thankfully. Kimberly leaps up “it’s CHAD!!!” and flings the door open to find “The Sheriff.”

The Sheriff is about 60 years old, sort of standard issue movie sheriff if you ask me, and he says the kids can't stay in the old lodge because it’s condemned.

Undeterred by fear of death, and anxious to make the audience uneasy, both Robyn (who has no bra on) and Kimberly (sans panties) hang all over the sheriff and make sexual advances on the guy. Cole, being the straight man of the bunch, hands the cop a fold of bills. Wow, bribery, and Skyler catches it all on film.

The Sheriff says the kids can stay the night, well, he doesn’t say it as much as stammer it, obviously thinking very nasty thoughts about the two pretty young girls on his arm.

The Sheriff back out and heads back towards his vehicle. Suddenly, before him is the tall black clad skier. The Sheriff says “What are you doing up here this late?” but before he gets an answer the mysterious skier plunges a Phillips Head screwdriver into his eye socket.

What the hell was the reason for that? The Sheriff obviously knows who the phantom skier is, and doesn’t appear all that surprised to see him there getting ready to put the spook on the snowboarders. So why kill him? Won’t that just needlessly complicate things? I mean, the towns folk have already warned them to stay off the mountain and declared that they won’t be responsible for their deaths should something happen. So, why kill one of the people who’s absence will obviously bring suspicion?

By now the audience is pretty certain, I am sure, that the phantom skier isn’t a phantom at all, but someone related to the dead girl mentioned at the seedy bar/store.

This is one of the reasons I am writing this review. Whereas things were moving along pretty well until now, give or take some repellent dialogue, this scene makes no sense. If the sheriff is dead then there is no plausible deniability for the killer.

Okay… The phantom skier heads off into the shadows around the resort.

Cole and the others pair up and turn in for the night. Christophe, however, takes a room in what appears to be the basement or downstairs lounge area. He is alone.

Kimberly sneaks out of bed and out of her flannel jimmies and into a silk lingerie number then abandons the sleeping Cole to seek out hot monkey love with Christophe. He, however, is prowling around in the basement so Kimberly doesn’t find him.

Meanwhile, Robyn tries to cop a feel from Pike, who rebuffs the bisexual advances. Robyn says in her defense “hey, I’m not gay, just horny” whatever the hell that means. I figure if you’re sleep-groping a member of the same sex you’re probably a little gay. I mean, I get horny too, but I don’t feel up my cat. I seek out Mrs. McLargehuge.

Robyn sneaks off after Christophe too, and finds him. Within seconds they are engaged in teen-sex comedy/slasher flick PG-13 rated simulated sex.

Kimberly finds them mid-coitus and, being the tramp-o-rama that she is, joins in. We don’t get to see any of it though, which is a shame.

The next morning everyone heads out to the slopes, the lifts are powered up and it’s time to introduce the long running war between snowboarders and skiers. Kimberly doesn’t like snowboarding because you apparently have to wear baggy clothes, whereas because she is a skier, she can wear very tight ski pants to show off her ass. And she has a nice ass.

Christophe offers to teach her to snowboard, and of course, she immediately accepts which leaves Cole and Pike alone. The gang starts up the lift. Careful viewers will notice that the chair lift seats have no safety bar. I don’t know if it’s legal to have lifts like that anymore. When I used to ski, back in the mid 80s, all the lifts had to have bars to keep you from falling to a gruesome death.

Maybe this is one of the reasons that the resort closed.

Anyway, Skyler and Kirk are reading the rules posted on each chair lift support pole, you know, “keep hands and feet in at all times…” Kirk uses those rules as a reason to jump from the lift leaving Skyler behind.

Kirk survives the fall and boards down the mountain.

Skyler debarks at the top of the mountain and starts down too. He spies the pretty pink and pastel blue clad girl again and gives chase, but can’t catch her.

Meanwhile Cole and Pike stop when Cole’s bindings break. Pike offers to share her board with him until they reach the base. How anyone can do two on a snowboard baffles me, and judging from the clumsiness with which the characters do head down the mountain, apparently it baffles them too.

Kirk ends up at what appears to be a mineshaft somewhere off the posted trails. Waiting for him is the black clad skier, who when sharing the screen with Kirk appears to be about six and a half feet tall. The skier is carrying an axe and attacks Kirk but his snowboard takes the brunt of it, so the skier pulls down an icicle and runs him through, then, demonstrating a deep hatred of snowboards, picks up the axe and smashes the board to pieces.

Cut to the chair lift again. Robyn gets on and just as the chair starts up the mountain, so does the black clad skier. Robyn makes a pass at this guy too… Sheesh, where were these women when I was dating? They pass a sign that reads “no loose clothing” and before the end of the ride, the black skier jumps off the skis away.

Now things get really clumsy and stupid.

Robyn fudges around with her scarf until reaching the top of the slope and as she tries to get off the chair, manages to hang herself. How? Beats the shit out of me, but she does. I guess you can attribute this death to the black skier, but I am not sure how. I mean, how would the black skier know that she was going to die by loose clothing?

For the rest of the movie, Robyn’s body carousels up and down the mountain dangling beneath the chair lift. This is wicked funny because several times throughout the film Robyn’s obviously fake body swings by in the background while other characters talk.

Okay, one such occasion is Pike and Cole sitting and eating lunch and talking about Cole’s problems with Kimberly. Right in the middle of this mostly serious dialogue sequence is the cameo appearance of Robyn’s body going right to left across the background.

Cole and Pike figure that Christophe is one of the evil snowboarders who killed the girl on the mountain all those years ago and try to contact Kimberly via walkie-talkie. Kimberly says she is fine, but her ass hurts from snowboarding. With her is Christophe. She ignores Cole’s pleading to come down the mountain away from Christophe and turns off the radio.

Pike and Cole decide to head up the mountain and save her.

Meanwhile Skyler runs into the pink and blue pastel clad skier girl and they ride the chair lift together. He suggests she try snowboarding. She says she HATES snowboarding, and tried it once, but didn’t like it. She then opens her jacket to reveal that she skis naked.

Woo woo!

Skyler gets to cop a feel before they reach the top of the slope and start down. As they ski a snowmobile leaps into view. Atop the snow mobile is Bud, the owner of the creepy store in town. He tells the girl, Shelly (Candace Moon) to get home and reminds her that he told her to stay of the mountain.

Shelly harrumphs and skis away. Shelly appears to weigh ALMOST 90 pounds and stands at least a half a head lower than Skyler, which is the shortest guy in the cast. This sounds like superfluous information now, but it will make sense later.

Bud tells Skyler that he too HATES snowboarders and that they are the cause of all his problems. He then relates that it was snowboard recklessness that killed the girl on the mountain and caused the resort to close. He then reinforces the need for the others to leave the mountain before bad things happen to them.

Skyler heads off after Bud leaves. He runs into Pike and they go off searching for Kirk.

Meanwhile Christophe takes Kimberly to a little cabin on the mountain with a working outdoor hot tub. I don’t know how he managed to get this thing working, but he does. He tries seducing her, but Kimberly, apart from being a girl who knows how to use her looks to get things, sees RIGHT THROUGH Christophe and tells him that she knows he’s full of shit and has been since he said his home country was “Europe”.

Christophe agrees to drop the pretense and explains that he and two others were involved in the accidental death of a skier on this mountain a few years back, and that he was looking for evidence that someone killed the other two. He thinks there is evidence in the basement of the resort. He says that he isn’t a bad person, and that the death was accidental, but someone killed his two friends not long after because they disappeared.

Kimberly nods her head then starts to hump him in the hot tub.

Meanwhile Cole arrives and catches them mid humpa-humpa. Kimberly screams that “this isn’t what it looks like.”

Uh… I dunno, when you’re legs up in a hot tub with a naked guy ramming his manmuscle into you I guess it could be mistaken for a lot of things…

Cole, being an idiot, doesn’t even care. He just wants her away from Christophe, who he still insists is a killer. At some point Cole and Pike discover the body of the Sheriff hidden in a snowman. I don’t remember when but at any rate, they find him, and it’s before this.

Cole accuses Christophe of being a serial killer and takes his nearly naked floozy of a girlfriend back down the mountain.

Meanwhile Pike and Skyler find the old mineshaft. Inside are several news clippings about the dead girl, how “snowsurfing” is banned at the mountain, and how the mountain went bankrupt. There are also dozens of rules pamphlets scattered around and pictures of the dead girl when she was alive.

Skyler films all of this.

Pike goes a little deeper and actually finds the mummified corpse of the girl, still dressed in her ski clothes, in front of a little shrine. Skyler films this too. Suitably freaked out the pair head for the door where the black clad skier is waiting. Again the skier appears to be about six and a half feet tall. In the commotion, Kirk’s dead body falls out from a hiding place and the killer trips on it giving Pike and Skyler time to run. Skyler also trips and the killer gets him in the leg with an axe. Pike whacks the killer over the head with her snowboard knowing the black clad skier unconscious.

Pike and the injured Skyler flee.

Cut to Christophe relaxing in the hot tub. We get a killer’s eye view here and Christophe, with his eyes closed (naturally) thinks it’s Kimberly coming back to finish their humpa-humpa session. He opens his eyes and sees the black clad skier (man this guy gets around!). Christophe pleads “it was all an accident man!”

The skier whaps Christophe across the chops with a shovel and kills him.

Back at the base, Kimberly , Cole, Pike, and Skyler try to escape but the wires in the Jeep engine compartment are all cut. They are trapped and night is falling.

Okay, here’s where things get REALLY stupid. By now the killer has arranged the dead bodies outside the lodge like snow angels, and all the characters see them. Since Skyler can’t walk down the mountain because of his leg they have to hole up in the lodge. Any reasonable group in a similar situation would probably at least try to fortify a position and wait for morning before trying to escape. I mean, they know it’s only one guy, and he can be knocked unconscious with a snowboard or other implement, as we’ve seen and the characters know. So what do they do?

They SPLIT UP!

Pike stitches Skyler’s leg (another pretty good effect) and apparently gives him some sort of drug for pain. It isn’t clear but Skyler is pretty loopy by now. He shows Cole the video from inside the mineshaft, which he ignores in favor of the video of Kimberly talking shit about him in the ladies room waaaay at the beginning of the movie. That bitch!

Pike says “see I told you so…” or something to that effect. Then the two go down to try and repair the truck. Pike, we learn, is an amateur auto mechanic and starts connecting cut wires while Cole, the manly man he is, sits in the jeep and turns the key when Pike tells him to.

Meanwhile, Kimberly starts walking around the basement of the lodge. She finds a radio.

The black clad skier is inside the lodge now too, and tromps around in ski boots. Except for one scene where he walks RIGHT BEHIND Kimberly. How now one hears this I cannot explain. The killer would also be REALLY SLOW because ski boots, by design, prevent the wearer’s ankles from moving and the best walking you can do is heel-to-toe like Peter Boyle learning to walk in Young Frankenstein.

Anyway, the first stop is Skyler’s room. He smiles up at the killer and puts the camera to his eye. The killer stabs through the camera with a ski pole and kills Skyler. Blood surges from the camera. I kinda liked this bit to be honest. It was a creative way to show the death.

The killer clomps off after more victims.

Skyler’s blood runs down a vent and through the magic of editing, begins to drip into Kimberly in the basement. The killer appears and Kimberly hides in a closet containing a dead body. Chad’s dead body. Kimberly says, “I’m sorry Chad.” Yeah, like that makes everything ok now…

Kimberly tries to raise Cole on the radio but he’s trying to start the jeep and can’t hear her. The killer is about to leave when Cole finally answers. This, of course, tips off the killer to Kimberly’s location.

That’ll teach you not to turn down the volume!

The killer stabs through the door with a fireplace poker but can’t seem to get deep enough into the closet to kill Kimberly. However, the killer does manage to hook Chad’s severed head and can’t get the poker out of the door.

Kimberly screams that she didn’t do anything, that she’s innocent.

The killer backs off.

Now, back in the truck Cole has presumably been listening to ALL OF THIS and still hasn’t figured out that Kimberly is about to be killed. Or, considering how she’s treated him, maybe he does and just doesn’t do anything. He keeps asking “Kimberly is that you?”

Kimberly flees the closet and is killed off camera by the black clad skier.

Cole rushes, and by that I mean ambles, into the lodge to see what’s going on. He finds Kimberly, nearly dead on the floor of the kitchen with a gaping hole in her chest. She looks up at him and says, “I… Never…. Loved…. You…” then dies.

That bitch!

The killer uses this time to shove something in front of the door impeding Cole’s escape.

Cut back to Pike. She’s got the Jeep running, albeit unsteadily. She turns on the lights and illuminates the black clad skier (now wearing pink gloves for some reason… continuity error perhaps?). Being the smartest of the group, she tries to run the killer down but misses and crashes the Jeep into a Snow Cat and whaps her head on the steering wheel.

Cole pushed the obstructed door open and yells Pike!

Pike opens her eyes as the killer smashes in the window.

Cut to Cole who runs outside and all his friends, plus the other dead bodies, are arranged in the snow, including Pike who has a big hole in her head.

Cole jumps onto the chair lift and screams that he’s breaking all the rules of the mountain and for the killer to come and get him. Someone at the base stops the chair lift. In the darkness someone fires a rifle up at the lift from a snowmobile. He then jumps and boards off-trail until tacking the nearby snow mobile rider. As he collects himself after the fall and snowmobile roars up beside him. They wrestle until Cole has the rifle.

The black clad snow mobile rider pulls off his helmet. It’s Bud from the store. He says that you damn snowboarders couldn’t follow 12 simple safety rules and because of that his wife and daughter are dead! Cole tells him to step back of he’ll shoot. Bud laughs and says the gun is filled with blanks and that he just wanted to scare them off. Cole accuses him of being the killer. Bud says no one died on the mountain except his wife and daughter.

Cole whaps Bud across the temple and takes off.

Bud awakens and gives chase on the snowmobile. This chase scene could have been much better if Huson didn’t needlessly cut a few seconds here and there making it look like Cole and Bud are warping through time as they careen down the mountain.

Cole turns off trail and Bud hits the piano wire trap. Bud’s head rolls down the mountain and the snow mobile crashes off into the brush.

Cut to Cole running down the street now. He’s fled the resort of doom and arrives at the creepy store. It’s empty. The phone doesn’t work. He heads out the back door unto a neatly cut five foot deep, ten foot wide path with the giant snow shredder at the other end. He can’t escape as the door locks behind him and the walls of snow are too tall to scale.

Cut to a bumper sticker that reads “Death to snowboarders!” in creepy lettering.

Inside the chopper is the driver, dead, and the black clad skier behind the wheel. The skier pulls off her mask and goggles. It’s Shelly! She pegs the gas pedal with a ski pole and strips out of the black ski suit. She climbs atop the front of the shredder and yells, “Snowboarders off my mountain!” and “Who’s the shredder now!”

Suddenly, Pike appears atop the roof of the store with a shotgun and shoots Shelly in the shoulder. She tumbles off in front of the shredder and lunges at Cole, not sitting against the door. Pike shoots her again and she is sucked (via CGI) into the teeth of the shredder.

Blood splashes across the snow banks and you can see that the shredder isn’t moving forwards…

Pike leaps down and turns the machine off. She jumps down and she and Cole kiss.

She and Cole pile into the Jeep now parked behind the shredder. Cole says, “what’s with the nickname anyway. I mean, I’m liberal. That whole bisexual thing. If you want to bring chicks home, that’s cool with me.”

Pike answers by cocking the shotgun.

End movie.

Now wait one goddamn minute! Pike was dead, we saw her dead in the snow. The Jeep was on fire and all smashed up last time we saw it too! How in the hell does she get miraculously resurrected , get the Jeep running again, get off the mountain, find the store where she’s never been, locate a shotgun, get atop the roof, and manage to both kill Shelly and save Cole?

None of this makes any bloody sense. Worse, the end dialogue is so astoundingly stupid, I mean, she just saved your ass from being pureed and you still can’t get over the possibly gay hang-up?

Did someone put a few scenes out of order? Were the script pages misnumbered? Did someone intentionally write this ending? What the hell?

It’s a damn shame that Shredder went downhill (pun intended) in the last twenty minutes because I was kind of enjoying the take on the stalk and slash, but the patently ludicrous and idiotic ending just ruined the preceding 66 minutes. What should have happened?

I don’t know, maybe Cole managed to get atop the shredder and push Shelly in front of it… That would have made sense. Cole could have also been killed leaving a deranged and grinning Shelly atop the shredder. That would have made sense and been cool. Hell, Shelly could have had a change of heart, which would have happened I think is Skyler had lived. In fact, why did she kill Skyler at all? They seemed to have a little thing going. I mean, she let him fondle her knockers on the lift. She certainly seemed into him. Hell, a sheriff’s deputy could have shown up after the Sheriff disappeared and saved Cole. There were a million logical and entertaining possibilities to close this movie well and amazingly, Huson and Carlson went for the WORST POSSIBLE ONE, THE ONE THAT MAKES THE LEAST SENSE! It’s not fair I tell you!

AHHHHHH!!! Thinking about this for too much longer is going to make me snap!

Now, I realize that Shredder was shot on a low, low, low direct to DVD budget, but the film looks great and some really good visuals, solid acting, and cinematography elevate the presentation to a few orders of magnitude over other Direct to DVD offerings. If only the script hadn’t been so terrible. If only the ending wasn’t so stupid. If only… Shredder could have been a great entry into the genre. Instead it’s little more than yellow snow, relegated here, to the Hall of Shame.

What a waste.