Evil Remains

"...the entire film was shot in Jefferson Parish/New Orleans, Louisiana and it is a very probable that mother nature has erased all memory of this film's production from the Earth's surface. If only it could do the same to the ridges of my prefrontal lobes."

Final Destination 2

"Before they can assemble the "Dream Warriors", Kim, Clear, and Officer Burke must first save Tim from pigeon borne death."

Gang that Couldn't Shoot Straight, The

 "I have time to pick these nits because I am not laughing, remember."

Godzilla

"GODZILLA DIES!!!!!! GODZILLA CAN’T DIE!!!"

Godzilla: Final Wars

"Mooooo."

House by the Cemetery

"Incidentally, Ann has the thickest eyebrows I have ever seen on a homo-sapient woman."

Humanoids From The Deep

"End movie, place frozen fish sticks on pan, preheat oven to 450 degrees, heat until golden brown."

I Bury the Living

"Yep, with an opening title card like that you know the film following it is going to suck."

Incubus

"We were laughing so hard it shook the walls."

Independence Day

"If that’s the case why didn’t they stop at Mars? Mars has plenty of mineral resources, certainly on par with what’s on Earth, plus making Mars more attractive, is the fact that there aren't any pesky sentient species with an air force there waiting to shoot at you."

Into the Sun

"I assume though that him pumping Seagal’s bloated body with lead would have been anticlimactic and wouldn’t have played into the whole action star vehicle thing."

King Cobra/Rattlers Double Feature

"Neither King Cobra nor Rattlers even approaches Jaws' level of quality... Hell, these don't even approach Jaws 4's level of quality."

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

"I glanced back in the theater into a sea of gaping mouths and wide, unbelieving eyes. Yes my readers, we were all in Hell."

Lost Continent, The

"This sounds much more interesting than it actually is, but you will no doubt be laughing so hard at the name “El Supremo” that none of this scene will matter."

Manitou, The

"Though, due to improvements in special effects we no longer have mystics who use string to pull rocking chairs or draw cheese cloth from their noses and claim it's "ectoplasm"."

Maximum Overdrive

"It's hard to empathize with people too stupid to escape from a bunch of trucks."

Ninja Double Feature

"The Vietnam flashback sequence is possibly the funniest seven minutes ever recorded on film. Frank and Steve are dressed in kid's plastic army man helmets and ill-fitting hunter camouflage, carry dissimilar rifles and are attacked by obviously-not-Vietnamese soldiers in kung-fu bamboo hats."

One, The

"On the way there Funsch engages in some other exposition, this time about their advanced Multiverse weapons. Strangely, everything he describes they do is never seen in the film. They are regular pistols with little light doo dads on them. There is also the golf-ball-sized bomb, but even that isn’t all that unusual."

Pterodactyl

"Finally, we bore through CGI tunnel to find more eggs and this time a CGI Tyrannosaurus Rex! Is much yelling and frightening"

Raptor

"There has to be a point when even Roger Corman says, “come on guys, this is crap! Get the hell out of my office!”"