"There has to be a point when even Roger Corman says, “come on guys, this is crap! Get the hell out of my office!”"
"Casual viewers will have noticed by now that the rig is approximately five feet from the riverbank so at any time the characters should be able to jump down from the right onto solid ground and run away into the woods."
"Your mileage may vary. But I can rest assured that somewhere in the cosmos a deity of supreme vengeance is preparing a hit list for Mr. Passer, and when his time comes, look out."
"For a fun post movie game, start a pool and see how many of Yongarry’s “actors” appear in television commercials. I’ve seen two already."
|Return of the Blind Dead||
"We get our first shot of the awesome fireworks display that Jack as brought along to help Berzano celebrate. It lasts about 3 seconds, but don’t despair, the exact same footage will show up at least a half a dozen more times before this movie is over. Even in places where Jack is nowhere near the fireworks."
Now, I know you're thinking, "Big, this sounds like it could even be, gasp swoon, funny!" But I haven't even worked up the nerve to describe what it's like to suffer through this movie whenever Sakura is on screen.
|Santa Claus Conquers the Martians||
The Martians are so technologically advanced though that aside from sporting a pair of antennae, they also have a radar blocking shield on their pipe cleaner and cardboard space vessel.
|Santo in Attack of the Witches!||
"Superimposed flames are good enough for the rest of them and we get to watch as Santo dispatches them all one at a time. Hooray for Santo! Hooray… for… Jesus?"
"Why do they need showers on a camping trip? I mean, I can be fastidious about my hygiene, but this is ridiculous. Worse, a scene like this usually offers at least a few seconds of gratuitous boobies to distract the audience from the stupidity of it all, but not Sasquatch Hunters. Louise is showering alright, but she's wearing a bikini."
"What the back of the DVD box should say is:
“Anyone with a cheesy robe costume can make a Satan worship movie... but not a good one as evidenced here.”"
"The next day Adam and Alex are playing chess (guess who wins? It must’ve felt to Kirk Douglas the way Gary Kasparov would feel if he were playing not against Deep Blue but against a toaster)."
|Shark Attack 2||
"I have to mention the quality of the sharks here. They don’t even use stock footage... What we get instead are fake sharks that appear to be almost as realistic as shark teeth painted by grade schoolers on the front of several canoes."
"Then, uh oh, Dad sees super imposed shark face footage in the pool! But, that’s okay, he knows shark footage can’t attack people in pools because the chlorine makes their eyes hurt."
"Did someone put a few scenes out of order? Were the script pages misnumbered? What the hell?"
Wait a minute. Terry a special effects artist, right? And he's got a convertible Ferarri?? He lives in a penthouse???
"Finally there's an interview with Mr. Jaa shot via "Fan Cam" that begins with the Wu Tang Clan so I shut it off."
"Before we can go any further though, and because this movie is insane, the Chinese Merchant's son arrives, he's all of 8 years old, and demonstrates his nunchuck form for The Old Man and Ben."
|Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li||
Chun Li's mom is not well, we will learn later that she has movie-cancer, in which she looks exactly the same as before only with a bandage wrapped around her head.
|Tombs of the Blind Dead||
"While out walking the subject of sex comes up between Betty and Pedro. Betty again explains that she doesn’t like men, but this just makes Pedro anxious to prove her theory that all men are animals wrong.
He does this by raping her. Way to prove a point Pedro..."