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Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

Review by: 
Billion$Baby
Release Date: 
2004
Studio: 
Sony
Genre: 
Man vs. Nature
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
1 NTSC
Aspect Ratio: 
1.33:1
Directed by: 
Dwight H. Little
Cast: 
Johnny Messner
KaDee Strickland
Morris Chestnut
Movie: 
1
Extras: 
2
Bottom Line: 
1

 What a complete waste of celluloid! Commiserations to the fella that bought the region one disc, 'cause it sure as hell wasn't me (friend of a friend). Ok, I clearly wasn't expecting anything too good here (sometimes you just know) but this film really stinks. But they keep making 'em and apparently we keep buying 'em. Scary.
 
Frighteningly, this recieved a UK theatrical release when it clearly had "straight to video" written all over it. It was a 12-A in the UK and a PG-13 in the States which probably explains the complete lack of tension or excitement, scares or shocks. The age ratings are rather a good guide as to who this film can be enjoyed by, since we're talking A-Team quality scripting and Street Hawk quality acting. See, unless you're either six years old or as backward as Benny from LA Law, avoid this tortuous flick at all costs.
 
To be fair, how many quality giant snakes films have you ever seen? Well, the trend certainly continues here! One might as well call this The Search For A Good Giant Snake flick. Choosing to watch the entirety of Anacondos is like scratching your nads repeatably with a large piece of wire wool - unjustified, painful and quite frankly, completely fucking insane. The film contains one good, extremely short scene - which was used for a trailer. Download the teaser trailer, avoid the film.
 
Cardboard cut-outs a plenty here, but horrible casting decisions make it painful indeed. We've even got an ex-member of UK soap Coronation Street thrown in for good luck. Add a rough and rugged *cough* ship captain and his pet monkey, the black "funny" man (who's never funny), the blond heroine, and some other irritating folks who wander around with similarly 100% vapid dialogue, merely awaiting their inevitably tame deaths like a never before seen member of Captain Kirk's exploration party.
 
The makers have got the audacity to pretend that it has a real script - namely the search for a "pharmaceutical equivalent of the fountain of youth" in Borneo. Fascinating eh? The ol' Fountain Of Youth chestnut, haven't seen that for a while. Talking of audacity, the film is even presented in a full cinemascope, widescreen ratio. Yet despite this, the photography is so hum-drum and television like that one has to wonder what the actual point was.
 
I'll award one point to this film for taking the actors to a real jungle location and for showing some giant snakes as promised, even if they often look clumsily rendered and rather computer game like. Not even a film this bad deserves a Total Shit rating - I'll always reserve that for special cases only. Still, we are talking about a film where the rough and rugged *cough*, knife armed ship captain, dives into the water to rescue someone by wrestling Tarzan stylee with a large rubber crocodile.
 
Ever note how imdb.com features "memorable quotes" from films? They've managed to find a grand total of three (yep, that many!) from Anacondas. They are:
 
Exhibit A:
 
Shop mannequin no. 1 - "It's mating season."
 
Shop mannequin no. 2 - "What, so you're tellin' me there's some snake orgy in the jungle!"
 
Shop mannequin no. 1 - "Yeah."
 
 
Exhibit B: 
 
Shop mannequin 2 - "You mention 'eating' once more and I'm voting you off this island."
 
Exhibit C: 
 
Shop mannequin 3 - "I had this friend, who had this friend, who shot documentaries, and he and his whole crew went down to the Amazon, and they were all eaten by snakes."
 
I rest my case. No need for the jury to retire, the scriptwriters have been caught red handed. 10 years, no chance for parole. The director can join 'em. For full impact, repeat those above quotes in the manner of a damaged robot on smack. This disc had extras...but I certainly didn't feel like watching 'em. Deleted scenes (hah!!), trailers and a short featurette, no doubt rounding off a thoroughly miserable viewing experience for the unwary genre consumer. Avoid at all costs folks. Await the kiddie friendly timed, television airing if you're remotely curious.

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