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Arachnid

Review by: 
Billion$Baby
Release Date: 
2001
Studio: 
Mosaic
Genre: 
Horror
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
2 PAL
Aspect Ratio: 
1.78:1
Directed by: 
Jack Sholder
Cast: 
Alex Reid
Chris Potter
Movie: 
1
Extras: 
1
Bottom Line: 
1

Hi gang, I haven't written a review for a while as I've been busy elsewhere. What have I been up to? Well, there I was being chased by the paparazzi down a tunnel when my speeding car crashed and I died in the wreckage! Oh wait, hang on, that was someone else.
 
Anyway, I did manage to check out this Brian Yuzna co-produced creature feature called Arachnid. It was directed by Jack Sholder, does that name ring any bells? Sholder was the director of The Hidden (yay) and A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2 (boo hiss). So how did Arachnid fare? Horribly! What a pile of wank this flick really was. Thank Christ that UK dvd stores don't have a surcharge for returning crap movies.

Arachnid cost me £6 and that was exactly 595 pence too much (hey, that empty plastic case has to be worth something!). The only reason that Arachnid is scoring 0.5 marks is because I enjoyed the first two minutes of the film. If this monstrosity ever appears on your television set, I advise you to watch the first scene only and when the credits appear, quickly turn off and leave the film on a high note. The start shows us a cloaked spaceship sucking up a cgi shark along with lots of swirling cgi water. Cool as, it's not often that you see Great White sharks being abducted by aliens. I find anyway. This is then immediately followed by the spaceship crashing and a gutted looking cgi alien being attacked by some sort of space spider.

Why was that ultra cool scene showed right at the start? Easy, to fool ya into wasting your time thinking that perhaps the movie might show ya something good again! Does it happen? Nope, not at all. Recall seeing Bruce Campbell at the very start of Congo and then waiting in vain for him to re-appear again? Yep,same damn thing, I was completely suckered in (again) by a crap film pretending to be good in the first reel. And Arachnid is far, far, far worse than Congo! You'll have to make the most of that goodness seen at the start 'cause from this point onwards it's only really shitty quality stop motion effects and exceedingly naff completely inanimate critter props to be seen for the remainder of the film.

The plot? Well, some doctors, a spider expert, some mercenaries and a female pilot visit an island to investigate the source of an unusual spider attack on a victim being treated at a local hospital. All too predictably, the plane crashes and the folks are trapped (yawn). Arachnid is a Spanish production. All of the cast are Spanish bar (predictably) the two American leads - a male and female. It's the sort of film where you just know that the nameless natives leading the white folks are probably gonna get killed off first. The film's crap plot shamelessly rips off elements from numerous flicks such as Aliens or Starship Troopers and just about every other creature feature that springs to mind off the top of your head. Mind you, that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just that the two cents budget, a lack of talented actors, and shockingly feeble direction also make this a flick to avoid like an advanced case of syphilis or a chance encounter with Gary Glitter.

When a film slowly (very slowly!) pans across the shocked looking faces of several actors (maybe they saw the primitive state of the sloppy stop motion work?) not only once, but three bloody times, you can tell that the director's completely run out of ideas or interest, and has most certainly lost any remaining hint of originality. Either that or he's just struggling to up the running time of the film to an acceptable level. As for the movie effects, I've seen more realistic critters being given away free with packets of breakfast cereal. Please don't be fooled by the Brian Yuzna co-production credit (like I was) or the "From the director of The Hidden" quote on the front of the dvd case. Unless you fancy trying to sue Blockbuster for personal damages, leave this disc back on the shelf where it well and truly belongs.

Picture quality? Far better than this film deserved! Damn good in fact which only seemed to make the film and it's dire effects come across even more badly.Extras? Christ, I dunno. After watching it, the disc got flung onto the carpet by an irate dvd machine.I'm pretty sure that this region two release came with a trailer only but I'm not certain. Somehow I suspect that it didn't get the Criterion treatment! I'd like to apologise to my mate John for inflicting this piece of shit upon his eyes and ears and for wasting ninety minutes of his life. Although to be fair, he did get suitable revenge by hiding my HMV shop receipt! After half an hour of me searching for it and him watching me contemplate the prospect of having paid good money for this tosh, he then produced the receipt with a sly smile on his face. Bastard!

 

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