This one apparently comes from ASS studios, a place that actually brags about being the most underfunded motion picture company in New York City. It is founded by Courtney Fathom Sell and Reverend Jen, two people who, if you are to believe the enclosed documents, have created the most innovative, hilarious and sleazy underground films in the Lower East Side. All of this is meaningless however in the case of this product. The fact it was released by a place called “Ass Studios” is perhaps more vague yet accurately foretells the quality of these 4 short films. Let us pry apart the cheeks of this cinematic “ass” and ponder in detail amongst ourselves over how much it stinks.
When the film first starts we are treated to the following text onscreen:
This film contains scenes of
disturbing, demented and
ridiculous violence & sexual
intercourse intended to
satisfy only the most sick
If you are easily offended…
GET THE FUCK OUT!!!
“Oh, how cute” I said to myself. “Da big bad film is twying to fwighten me”. Well, South Park has fake warnings too at the beginning of every episode and everyone knows what a quality, cultural force that is.
Here they are, in order.
The Sinful Bitches (20 Minutes)
This is the story of a New York City couple and that inquire about a room for rent from a nightmare woman and her son living in a cramped, crummy apartment. The woman is a booze swilling wacko who looks like Lucy with a shock neon red wig and sounds nearly unintelligible like a Mike Myers/Keith Richards impression from SNL. Her son, Mangina is an odd man, obviously older than she is who wears nothing but a fake vagina and has no conversational skills whatsoever except for proudly boasting about the workmanship of his fake female flap every other line. Well the minute the male yuppie goes off to work; Mrs. Bozo drugs the yuppie woman with a needle and then sells her into prostitution to a strange man on the door intercom. The husband comes home and is understandably nonplussed by this development. But it turns out his wife likes “being a Sinful Bitch” so it looks like she is going to stay. Who wouldn’t?
The Bitches of Bowery (13 minutes)
With full musical accompaniment and no dialogue this is the story of a girl gang of grown women that prowls the streets of the Lower East Side causing minor petty offenses that would strike most twelve year old boys as pointlessly juvenile like breaking men’s ice cream cones and pulling down the pants of strangers. Soon they meet a Catholic schoolgirl “type” girl in a bar waiting for her boyfriend and they take her back to their place for what I can assume is sex, but is only represented onscreen by some kissing, drinking and some fully clothed dancing. With the girl now a fully-fledged member, they meet her old ex-boyfriend on the street in a chance encounter and they all beat him up. Though I can’t imagine why, they obviously profited from his truancy immensely. (Dumb Bitches).
Killer Unicorn (10 minutes)
A bunch of thick headed cretins who are easily old enough to have kids in high school themselves sit on a street corner dressed in collegiate colors and pontificate about how much they hate gay students, using as crude of language as possible. They are right in the middle of their hate filled speech and their tenth usage of the word “faggot” when they meet an actual gay guy on the street who they immediately manhandle and beat down. This causes their victim to go home crying where he soon receives a Unicorn mask on his doorstep from a secret admirer. Once he tries it on, he does an EXACT high speed Dee Snider metamorphosis spin from the old Twisted Sister “Wer’e not Gonna Take It” video and emerges as a much tougher guy (bigger, tattooed actor) still wearing the same facial concealing mask (of course). From there he goes and beats up the jerks and even dry humps their woman afterward much as she did him. Or maybe it was an actual rape as she raped him earlier? Who can tell as there is no nudity anywhere in this film? Or better yet, who cares?
Elf Workout! (9 minutes)
In this one Reverend Jen and all her friends share her workout routine with us in the same shitty apartment (troll Museum) where all the other short films were partially shot in. With the same “gender neutral” actors of all the other films now using their real “stage” names, they perform a series of repetitive motions (out of unison) and drink beer. Reverend Jen performs a later solo workout routine in a sheer white T shirt and cutoffs toward the end, jumping around non-rhythmically in what to her must have been an uncensored, unscripted moment of pure sexual naughtiness (how very sad for her).
In retrospect this was “cheap shit” with every possible meaning of the words “cheap” and “shit” multiplied times 1000 and then mixed in a blender and then force fed to you. Despite all the warnings of extreme content no one got topless or died and it was all but bloodless. On the DVD box they try to compare this film to the work of John Waters with a quote from some other reviewer. I say not bloody quite. While Water’s earlier films were based on a similar budget adult sleaze aesthetic and an almost immature irascible sense of wackiness, at least he had the sense to fill his early films like PINK FLAMINGOS with enough nudity, sex and actual dog shit eating to where you remembered them forever even if you didn’t like them.
They ACTUALLY put a warning label on this? The damn thing could be rated PG 13 if it wasn’t for some of the language. I’ve got a warning label of my own for this product that is perhaps more relevant and would make a little more sense.
CAUTION: WHEN PLACING THIS DISK INTO PAPER SHREDDER, REMEMBER TO LET GO. SEVERE FINGER DAMAGE MAY RESULT FROM FAILING TO DO SO.
Extras include a music video for THE BITCHES OF BOWRY, a photo slide show featuring Reverend Jen’s pet Chihuahua where she does the voice over for him in a bad Mexican accent (pity it’s the most offensive part of the movie and it still somehow left me flat). Also included is a trailer for the SINFUL BITCHES 2. But something tells me I might not get a review copy of that (awww), so let us all just forget this mess and get back to better films that take less time to write about than the scant hour running time this one took to watch.
Hey Ass Studios, consider this review to be your much needed ENEMA…