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Beast in Space, The

Review by: 
Head Cheeze
Release Date: 
1980
Studio: 
Severin
Genre: 
Erotica
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
0 NTSC
Aspect Ratio: 
1.85:1
Directed by: 
Alfonso Brescia
Cast: 
Sirpa Lane
Vassilli Karis
Movie: 
3
Extras: 
2
Bottom Line: 
3

If 80’s era Italian filmmakers knew one thing, it was how to save a buck, and if there was ever a better example of said frugality than 1980’s “La bestia nello spazio” (The Beast in Space), I sure as hell ain’t seen it.  The film stars the late Sirpa Lane, she of Walerian Borowczyk’s artsy 1975 critter sex romp, “La Bete” (The Beast),  as Sondra, a dreamy eyed blonde haunted by recurring nightmares of being shagged by a huge, hairy guy with wild eyes and hooves for feet. Sondra hooks up with a Star Fleet officer named Captain Larry Madison (Vassilli Karis), a curly-haired tough guy with a fondness for Uranus Milk (ha ha…) and lovingly massaging the backsides of voluptuous Italian actresses. When some creepy space merchant dude named Juan Cardoso (played by that actor who’s in pretty much every film made in Italy between 1973 and 1985) makes a move on Sondra, Madison smacks him silly, steals his necklace, and then takes Sondra up to his room for a night of deep kisses to the backs of her knees, armpits, and shoulder blades.

The next day, Madison is informed that the space merchant’s necklace had a vial on it that contained some super rare space rocks that could power Star Fleet’s weapons for eons or something, so he and a bunch of other people in white jumpsuits and ear muffs board their plastic ship and dangle from a fishing line en route to the stars. Oh, and Sondra’s with them, too, for some reason.

When the ear muff brigade land on the planet that is the source of the magical space dust, they are greeted by what looks like a toaster with sirens on it, and they flee back into their ship to wait until the killer toaster goes away. When the coast is clear, they leave the ship, stopping momentarily to admire five minutes of stock footage featuring two horses having sex. While this may seem a bit out of place (especially since this is a color film and the stock footage is sepia toned) the original “The Beast” featured just such a prolonged sex scene between two horses, so it’s perfectly logical that it should also be featured here…as well…in a space barn.

Errrr…

Anyhow, the “away team” admires the two horses having sex long enough for us to see the three attractive female members of the crew massage themselves into ecstasy like the pigs they are (or, rather, the pigs the film’s misogynistic director would like us to believe they are).  Captain Madison is not amused, however, and orders them to cease masturbating to the stock footage immediately, as there's an important mission to be completed.

Soon they happen upon the really nice digs of a huge, hairy guy with wild eyes. Could this be the man from Sondra’s dream? Wait? Where’s his hooved feet? Ah, false alarm.

Everyone sits down for a big feast in which scary hairy man explains that the aforementioned Giant Toaster Bot controls the planet’s supply of magical space rocks. This is soon followed by a full blown sex orgy in which scenes of the actors kissing each other’s elbows, chins, and knee-caps are spliced with hardcore sex footage from completely different films, featuring completely different actors. We do, however, get to see the titular beast, though, as the big, hairy, wild-eyed guy pulls off his clothes and reveals that not only does he have hooves for feet, but also a massive plastic penis that he has immeasurable amounts of difficulty inserting into the vagina of the unfortunate porno actress recruited to film Sirpa Lane’s hardcore scenes.

This orgy goes on for about ten minutes, and, while completely devoid of any sort of erotic value, it’s worth watching if only to see just how little scrutiny was put into matching the footage together. For example, a curly haired blonde man and rather bloated blonde woman are shown grinding about in a field. When the scene cuts to the characters engaging in hardcore oral sex, not only is the woman in an entirely different position,  she also now has long black hair, sunglasses, and is laying in a striped cabana chair. It’s movie magic, I tell’s ya!! Movie magic!

Cut to another round of half-hearted prodding from the plastic phallus into the hapless hardcore harlot’s va-jay-jay, before the intrepid space merchant, Juan Cardoso, arrives to save the day. This leads to a series of flashlight fights between the crew and a bunch of guys covered in gold paint. Toaster Bot is destroyed, Star Fleet gets its space dust, and we get our lives back. Roll credits!

The Beast in Space is a rare double failure in that it’s neither a competent science fiction film nor a remotely titillating porno. What it is, though, is pure comedy gold! It’s one of those “you have to see it to believe it” flicks, and even after you “see it”, well…you really can’t “believe it.”

Severin unloads this XXX rated version of the film (a tamer, “unrated cut” is also available) with a couple of bonus features, including a minute or so's worth of "deleted" hardcore sex stuff, and the film’s XXX rated trailer.

I can't recommend this movie as anything other than a bizarre curiosity to keep around to show your friends just how whacked out the 70's and 80's Eurosleaze scene really could be. That being said, this is the best bad movie I've seen since the abysmal and laugh-out-loud funny "Don't Go In The Woods...Alone", and, in that regard, earns my highest bad movie lover recommendation! Seek this out and be amazed!

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