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Black Roses

Review by: 
Head Cheeze
Release Date: 
1988
Studio: 
Synapse
Genre: 
Horror
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
0 NTSC
Aspect Ratio: 
1.78:1
Directed by: 
John Fasano
Cast: 
John Martin
Karen Planden
Movie: 
1
Extras: 
3
Bottom Line: 
1

 Okay, I have to make this quick, because I got to get ready for a concert. You see, Black Roses is coming to town, and it’s, like, a wicked huge deal, because nothing – and I mean nothing – happens around here. To think, Damien, himself, will be taking the stage in this crappy little city of mine; hell, this is the first time they’ve even played outside of the studio, and they chose my town – my shitty little town – to be the first stop on their tour.
 
Righteous!
 
Of course, it’s not all good news. The adults, they don’t understand at all. I mean, they think Black Roses are a bad influence on kids like me. How fucked up is that, right? I mean, shit, man; get a life already.  Our teacher, Mr. Moorhouse, he’s the worst, man. It’s bad enough that Julie, the love of my life, has the hots for him, but now he’s trying to come between me and Black Roses? That’s where I gotta draw the line.
 
I mean, sure I’m, like, thirty, and have no business still being in high school, but all the other kids are, like, in their thirties, too. And sure Black Roses turn into monsters on stage, and turn kids into these, like, hand-puppet looking things that kill their parents and shit, but what of it? I just want to rock, man. I don’t need your stinking rules! As Damien says, we are the “legions of the night”
 
Speaking of legions, my balls look pretty legion in these tight acid wash jeans, don't they? I swear, I'm smuggling plums in these things right now. 
 
Bodacious!
 
I mean, I guess it is sort of funny how yesterday everyone looked kind of…I dunno…normal, and, like, today everyone looks like an extra in a Warrant video, but that’s what’s so cool about Black Roses, man! They just make shit happen, ya’ know? I mean, it doesn’t make a lick of sense, but, c’mon; whoever said rock n’ roll made sense? You know what makes even less sense? The fact that the adults think that all of these murders we've been committing are accidents! That's what makes no sense. I mean, it's pretty obvious that my father didn't shoot himself in the head five times, right? Boy, that's a laugh.
 
Oh, man, I’m running late! I’m supposed to meet my friend with the black Datsun with the louvers on the back that look like an alligator’s tail, so we can go throw rocks at Mr. Moorhouse’s car. After that, we’re gonna go downtown and kick some dudes to death, back a car over my friend’s mother, and, if we’re lucky, still have time left over to tease our mullets!
 
Metal up your ass!! Black Roses rules!

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