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Chambermaids, The

Review by: 
Chamber Maids
Release Date: 
Impulse Pictures
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
Andrea True
Mary Stuart
Valarie Marron
Eric Edwards
Bottom Line: 

Ever since the days of DEBBIE DOES DALLAS one of the oldest tropes in pornography is a group of carefree women who decide to sell their bodies in the hope of raising some quick cash.  Similar to the “save the orphanage” plot in many sex comedies but far less selfless, more often than not any money collected by these sexual hijinks in an adult film  is wasted by the characters on something frivolous and crazy, if not carelessly tossed up into the air in the final frame of the film. .Worse yet, sometimes the need for money is just used as a springboard to get the viewer into the sex scene as quickly possible and the would-be whores actually forget to charge anyone for their services before having sex with them and everyone just gets laid and no one remembers to get paid. This is exactly that sort of film.  Look, I don’t expect too much from adult films made decades ago starring women who are old enough to be my mother.  Yet as any critic who must watch these things with a writing utensil who has to make a serious literary accounting of the onscreen events (or lack thereof) just to have some actual, tangible plot event to talk about in a review, I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate a main premise in the first five minutes of a movie that just doesn’t “add up” as badly as this one doesn’t.  Nonetheless, let us watch the CHAMBER MAIDS, the story of a group of matrons who takes “room service” to a whole new echelon.

Mary Ellen and Suzie are the two principals who decide to spice up their boring job by fluffing the guests along with the pillows.  Along the way they become involved sexually (duh) with a newlywed couple, his new wife and a business man who hopes to impress his immediate client by lining him up with one of the strange women who seem to be wandering from room to room and immediately having sex with its occupants. Much like a the old THREE’S COMPANY television show where everyone is acting like a goddamned crazy person because of a a never ending series of bullshit, comedic misunderstandings based on lust, it seems the seven players in this drama are all sexually interchangeable without adversity until the very end at least until the esteemed client “Smitty” learns in the hardest possible fashion what his hot wife Sarah/Trixie is really doing all day while he is in a hotel room trying to arrange sex with a couple of butch looking maids.  Oh, the look on Smitty’s face when he finds out; his mouth hanging even more purposefully agape than his wife’s jaw was for most of the duration of the film.

Still nothing could save this film, it is basic and uninspired. This is exactly the sort of adult film that every 1970’s first time porn director would make if they had production values consisting entirely of seven actors and three hotel rooms. The picture, while remastered was even more “itchy looking” than the prerequisite giant pubic afros on display, and I could see the reflections of the crew.  The music selections were the same old show tune rip-offs from the Dragon Art Theatre series that sound like they were coming through an AM radio.  Furthermore, the cast was entirely forgettable except for Andrea True who was perhaps best known for singing that once sultry Disco song “More, More, More” which like so many other sexy cultural staples has been ruined forever and rendered sexually inert by its association with SEX IN THE CITY. Perhaps worst of all, No one in the world seems to know who directed this. I have never seen a decent film that in my life that NO ONE admitted to creating whatsoever.

As a staunch collector of beautiful and disgusting film I generally agree that Impulse is performing a valuable service by “cleaning up” these old erotic films and by doing so, somehow making them even filthier. I just think that they don’t always choose the best specimens. Between the production values, distressed players and nonexistent plot these “CHAMBER MAIDS” were more akin to the stuff you would find in a chamber pot.

Extras Include Nothing.

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