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Creepozoids

Review by: 
Blackgloves
Release Date: 
1987
Studio: 
Screen Entertainment
Genre: 
Horror
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
0 NTSC
Aspect Ratio: 
1.33:1
Directed by: 
David DeCoteau
Cast: 
Linnea Quigley
Ken Abraham
Michael Aranda
Richard L. Hawkins
Movie: 
2
Extras: 
2
Bottom Line: 
2

 Bloody hell! Where do I begin with this one? "Creepozoids" plunges us headlong into the wonderful world of no-budget, Z-grade movie making (circa 1987!) ... where hopelessly inept acting, hysterically bad special effects, and a thoroughly muddled & confusing story are the order of the day -- with an extra layer of cheese provided for the present-day viewer by way of the film's extra naff, low-budget, Eighties vision of a post-apocalyptic future! Cult b-movie Scream Queen, Linnea Quigley heads the cast, and that fact alone probably provides you with rather a large clue as to the nature of this flick: a taught, horrific thriller it certainly ain't! Then again, there are many pleasures to be savoured here ... most of which were almost certainly never originally intended by it's oddly named director! We are very decisively in "so bad it's good" territory with this one, and I can imagine that the film probably has a sizeable cult following largely for this reason! So let us now plumb the depths of b-movie hell, as we revisit this feast of dubious delights via the Hard Gore label's spanking new region 0 UK DVD release...
 
The year is 1998. Personally, I don't recall this being a particularly memorable year; but apparently back in 1987, it seemed quite reasonable to imagine that the then super powers would have plunged the world into nuclear holocaust by this date, thus creating a war-torn, acid-rain soaked, hell hole! Actually, there is very little evidence of it on screen; the only indication of apocalyptic decay comes from a few graffiti-covered brick walls in the opening scenes as our heroes make their way across the desolate landscape (funny, but it just looks like a car park to me!); but luckily, an on-screen computer printout tells us that that is exactly what has happened ... even if there is no other way of telling!
 
Anyway, I'm jumping ahead slightly here. First of all we find ourselves in some kind of laboratory where a female boffin type (credited merely as "woman" in the cast list!) is beavering away at supposedly scientific "stuff". Suddenly, evil growling noises can be heard, and something unpleasant seems to be shuffling into position behind the laboratory door! "Woman" grabs a pencil for protection (yes, that's right... A PENCIL!) and wrenches open the door -- whereupon we learn that a pencil is inadequate defence against giant rubber monsters!
 
Now back to our heroes. Apparently, war is still raging despite the fact that there doesn't appear to be anyone else around besides our five protagonists! But in any case, they are all army deserters and are consequently on the run from the military! With an acid rainstorm about to break, the five renegades find shelter in an abandoned scientific research facility. Obviously it's the same one that contains the rubbery monster from the intro — but before we get around to the "horror" (ahem!) side of things, it's time for Miss Quigley to get naked! For some, never explained reason -- despite the fact that the environment is meant to be contaminated by radiation -- the scientific facility's shower room still contains a completely pure supply of water, thus providing Quigley with an unmissable opportunity to strip off and "get it on" in the shower with one of her comrades: a piece of beefcake called Butch (Ken Abraham). With it's basic T & A quota thus fulfilled, the film moves on. The gang decide that this is a good place to set up home and hide out -- despite the fact that they'd already found the severed head of "woman" on the floor of the laboratory!
 
The first scene of note is clearly a total rip-off of the chest-bursting scene in "Alien": the group are chowing down on some grub when all of a sudden, the nerdy guy with specs (there's always a nerdy guy with specs) starts choking and regurgitating a black, slimy substance! Earlier, while skulking around in an underground passage, nerdy guy had stumbled upon the rubbery alien in the shadows, so we're not too surprised to now see him erupting into puss-filled boils and dribbling slime all over everybody's breakfast; but rather than his chest bursting open in a shower of intestines and fake blood, the makers of "Creepozoids" have come up with their own low-budget version of events. Nerdy guy instead develops ... an enlarged hand!? Lets be honest -- it just looks like a fake rubber hand that anybody could buy in any joke shop! Anyway, the gang panics, and nerdy guy eventually dissolves into a gunky stain on the floor!
 
The other female of the group (Kim McKamy) comes up with an "explanation" of events by accessing the computer in the laboratory. Apparently it's all to do with experiments with amino acids ... although anymore clarity than that is not forthcoming!
 
The film now seems to degenerate into nothing more than lots of running about during this middle section. Some wag on the IMDb described "Creepozoids" as "the best film ever made about people running up and down corridors" and I can see his point, since we do seem to have interminable scenes of people running up one corridor only to run back down the same one seconds later! We get lots of run-ins with the rubbery alien during this period of the film though (which is so obviously based on the Alien from the film "Alien" it's a wonder there were no law suites filed); sometimes it kills people, while other times it does nothing to them -- we're never told why in either case! Come to think of it, where does this alien come from and what's it got to do with amino acids? And where are the previous occupants of the base? Besides the woman with the severed head, and another decayed body in a storage cupboard, there are no other bodies around and no signs of previous carnage in the base! One of the gang speculates, when they first arrive at the facility and find it empty, that everybody else must have left for some reason ... which makes you wonder why the heck this lot don't do the same thing!
 
The best is yet to come though. Quigley and the other female member of the group take refuge in their bedroom only to find that it has been overrun be giant mutant rats! The special effects here are not of the best quality it has to be said. Quigley and the other actress are forced to look terrified and "wrestle" with their lethal foes despite the fact that the rats are completely immobile! Probably the standout scene of the movie appears here, when one of the mutant rats thrusts (or gets thrust by an off-screen stagehand) it's way up Quigley's t-shirt! I've got to say, this is one of the funniest things I've seen in ages!
 
Eventually Quigley manages to extract ratty from her cleavage only for him to disappear under the bed. The other woman unaccountably pokes her head under the bed and promptly gets ratty attached to the side of her neck! The neck bite then turns her into a deformed zombie with amazing strength (!) and Quigley and her new foe spend several minutes tossing each other from one side of the room to the other before zombie woman's neck is eventually crushed beneath a book case!
 
Quigley eventually gets killed off by the alien, along with everyone else apart from one: a guy called Jake (Richard L. Hawkins) who then spends the rest of the movie getting beaten up by the creature until he eventually manages to vanquish it! The fun is not over though because the alien creature promptly dispatches a baby alien (which looks nothing like it's mother) and our remaining hero now has to do battle with that as well! This is actually quite a good animatronic creation, and the sight of a tiny rubber baby (which looks quite human apart from evil looking eyes) being thrown about the room and throttled by an adult is actually funnier than it probably sounds! I'm pretty sure that there aren't too many sci-fi films that climax in a grown man fighting a baby!
 
OK so that's about it! Short bursts of hilarity punctuate long stretches of confusion and boredom. This is typical b-movie fare in many ways but there are several enjoyable scenes dotted throughout the movie. Luckily, the brief 75 minute running time helps ensure that the whole thing doesn't get a chance to try one patience too much!
 
Hard Gore deliver another fine disc of this rather dubious delight. The aspect ratio is 4:3 which looks to be about right and the mono sound is always adequate. Extras include a trailer and a fine essay on Linea Quigley by the always readable Wilson bros. The extras are filled out by the usual wide selection of trailers of other Hard Gore titles.
 
B-movie fanatics will be no doubt be lining up to purchase their copy, the rest of you ... you have been warned.

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