When popping in a Troma title, there are certain things that come to mind. The first is the need for absolutely no budget. The second is completely goofy cover art and a description that oversells the movie by a mile. The third, if possible, is a Carradine sighting. In this case, John Carradine graces the screen as the voice of death itself, even appearing older that death in every scene.
The basic synopsis is this: a group of jewelry store thieves knock off some diamonds, and then head out into the country. They run out of gas, wander onto a farm, and start to play with the local farmer’s wife. Apparently having never heard any of the jokes about farmers’ wives, they make friendly with her and an all-out war ensues between the farmer and the thieves.
The thieves include a redneck, a limey Brit, and two interchangeable broads in tiny tight outfits. No telling where this big screen gem is going with that cast. That’s all before the harlot shows up; she’s named Jessie Belle, (“not jezebel”). They meander through the woods aimlessly for way too long, complete with a hideous cacophony for a soundtrack that sounds nothing like walking music. Though, while they’re not speaking and only walking, it is possible to think of them as the first version of a live Scooby Doo movie ever made.
George Ellis leads the cast as the farmer, Harlan, who hollers left and right about the Bible and makes for a constant pain any time he’s on the screen. (This is key to the morale of the story) Of course, at the site of two hot strange chicks in his house, he’s all about being a team player. Apparently, the writing staff went to Catholic school.
Harlan battles with the smarmy British guy for the most annoying character award. Meanwhile the resident redneck thief is the embodiment of sexism. (He also continually reminded me that Johnny Damon just signed with the Yankees.) The film reaches a climax as the two annoying characters chase one another through fifteen minutes of annoying banjo music.
There’s a huge generational gap in terms of what is sexy, but the two jewel thieves, Karen and Suzanne, are meant to be eye candy. They spend half the movie in mini-skirts, swimwear and lingerie before the inevitable death scenes. Oh, an important piece of advice is that kissing a woman will make her completely forget her marital vows. That news is followed up by a positively comical chick fighting scene.
Ok…POP QUIZ. If you, the educated Horrorview reader, were to choose between a pitchfork and a gun in a fight, what would you choose? If you said pitchfork, you too could have been cast in this dreadful movie.