Once again I return to the Dragon Art Theatre, a 212 volume porno collection from Something Weird that exists in something of an alternate adult film universe all of its own. Imagine if you will a pornographic place, frozen in time, where razors, soap and personal hygiene never quite caught on; an onscreen era where naked, hairy, unwashed genitals are crashed into each other in the subtle, onscreen artful close up of a surgical camera all while unlicensed scratchy renditions of famous orchestral film soundtracks gently serenade the viewer from the background. It is a world where the sex is graphic as it is somehow blurry and the plots are usually based on some form of trickery, malice or open threats of violence. Love it or hate it, all must agree that they “don’t make ‘em like this anymore”.
Super Service (1977)
What sounds like madcap sexual hijinks at a gas station with all kinds of snarky “pump” and “refill” puns littered throughout its running time is actually a tale of SEXUAL HEALING using a litany of techniques that would pale even the late Marvin Gaye. Marco is a hypnotist, a man clad in the trademark bathrobe of a professional health care provider and a despicable porno skeeze. Together with his receptionist, partner (and often test subject) Stella they invite people over and get them to explore their sexuality in a safe clinical environment, at least that’s what I imagine might be written on his business cards (if he had any). In truth, Marco knows nothing about hypnotism but simply pours drugged cokes for all his patients and he and Stella diddle them while they are under. Yet to the patients, it seems that they are caught in a psychedelic sex infused fantasy land where they relive past sexual events or experience deep innermost fantasies while we and the camera watch. The theme from James Bond’s THUNDERBALL plays loudly in the background which is somehow apt as Marco makes up for his lack of formal education by treating his patients with no greater medical authorization than his own sneaky, spy like “license to thrill”. In the end, poor Stella literally gives Marco “a dose of his own medicine” but the film abruptly ends, denying the viewer the chance to see this insatiable drugged out date rapist try and have relations with a bear trap or some other sharp and crudely mechanized thing. Too bad, now that would have truly been a “fantasy fulfilled”, at least for most modern, moderate porn viewers.
School For Hookers (1974)
The original studio title of this one is called “THREE CHEEERS FOR BJU” a witty little moniker, but I would have called it “FOUR BROKE GIRLS”. A quartet of chubby prostitutes sit around a slovenly apartment talking shop and complaining that they don’t have what it takes to be whores because they can’t give a decent blow job. Their reasons for this are sad varied, and something this reviewer found nothing short of personally tragic. Thankfully one of the girls reads an ad in the paper from a woman known as “Linda Lovewhip”, master throat specialist (an obvious allusion to Linda Lovelace) In the next frame Linda is already seated in the girls living room and informing them that as payment for her services that they will each have to perform ten tricks for her (or three if they have a Blue Cross deductible I am guessing). From there Lovewhip gives some unconventional advice guaranteed to stand the sexual therapy community on its ear-the women are instructed that a “penis is just like a vagina” and that in order to “satisfy a man they have to first learn how to satisfy a woman”. From there the women are each instructed to take turns kneeling down before Lovewhip and take turns eating the special “box lunch” she generously provides every one of her students as part of their tuition. If all of this sounds sleazy or anything less than academic it should be noted that Lovewhip does grade the girls on their performance and offers expert instruction on technique between licks. She even tells one girl to “keep lapping, and pretend she is Mark Spitz” (a famous swimmer of the day). Now that’s inspirational. Next she forces the women to watch a long series of filthy pornographic stag loops of group sex that seemed like they were other films from the Dragon Art Theatre product catalog. The phrase “cramming for exams” immediately comes to mind, but I am not sure why. Finally the class is ready for their final test, the girls are put into a room with two unfortunate men I will refer to as “Scabby” and “Muttonchops” From there the women are instructed to use their lessons and do what comes unnaturally as insight soon washes across their faces as does the man seed of Scabby and Muttonchops. It turns out the girls have no difficulty performing big sticky fellatio scenes to completion after all. Perhaps the problem might have been “all in their head”?
Previous volumes in the series included such porno luminaries as John Holmes and Terri Hall and a film directed by Zebedy Colt. This edition is less memorable and is actually a quarter clip show. Yet thanks to Something Weird’s universal pricing at $10.00 per disk, the disease per dollar value of this double feature is still a relative bargain despite the always, inherent terrible production values.
And that is my review for my third of 212 available Dragon Art Theatre movies. But I have a good feeling about this last one. Did you know that the number 210 is kind of special? While I am no historian and certainly not a whiz with numbers, did you know that the year 210 AD is when Dexippus, the famed Greek historian, was born? All Greek History aficionados out there will know this is significant and why this will be the best film of the series after all. So I will probably stop here.
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