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Review by: 
Big McLargehuge
Release Date: 
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
Richard Clabaugh
Adrian Paul
Danny Trejo
Bottom Line: 
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Eyeborgs, starring Adrian Paul and a host of community college actors is going to run forever on SyFy. For the rest of the world it's simply another reason to avoid that channel as if watching it gives you radioactive smallpox. This is the worst movie I've ever sat through, and I also just watched Mega Shark vs. Mega Pirhana wherein Tiffany and Debby Gibson glare at each other and try not to get upstaged by Nintendo Game Boy quality CGI fish. 

FYI, they fail.

And that film was light years better than Eyeborgs. The script for Eyeborgs may have been written in crayon, or feces by first time screenwriting pair Richard and Fran Clabaugh who could have benefited from maybe showing the central idea of the script to someone who's written science fiction before. 

See, back when I was just learning to navigate the keyboard, I wrote a story about a generational star ship and a group of adolescents who were unknowingly on their way to colonize a new world. To make a long story short I had a computer/robotic character named "Mother" who, in one scene, made pancakes for all of the kids on the ship. I thought this was a great and very innovative idea. Mother was supposed to be the device that raised all of the kids and taught them all the skills they'd need to survive on the new world. Except, in my story Mother as damaged and was in a loop where she repeatedly raised, reared, prepared, then slaughtered all of the kids. 

My wife let a published science fiction writer with whom she worked read and critique the story. The critique came back battered and bloody, and one really important element stood out. The scene where I had Mother making pancakes for all the kids, was where this nice writer lady did the math that I hadn't bothered with and determined that Mother would have had to make one pancake every .003 seconds to feed all of the kids on the starship in the time I allotted to that task in the story. She then asked, in red ink, why I didn't bother to do the math required by my stories.

In Eyeborgs, mobile surveillance machines called, not surprisingly, Eyeborgs, prowl the streets, houses, and workplaces of America and record the day-to-day lives of every single American. Also, all of the public and private security cameras in the USA are tapped and analyzed by the Department of Homeland Security to find evidence of possible terrorist activity. 

Every. Single. Camera. 

Think about that for a minute. Just imagine the telecommunications infrastructure needed to carry all of that digitized video. Adding a critical 8th layer to the TCPIP stack (The Stupidity Layer) Homeland Security also monitors all Internet, phone, cell traffic, and opens people's mail. Rather than rail about the impossible logistics of this plot element I'll simply ask, ".003 pancakes a second. Don't you do the math?"

The other elements rounding out the plot are an upcoming political debate featuring President Hewett (the man who signed the Homeland Security Surveillance bill into law) and his opponent who appears to be a simple 180 analog of him. While no political party names are thrown around it's suggested that the Republicans control things now, and the Democrats will probably win the election. However, tobacco and booze are illegal now, so who knows. The whole film plays like a moderately budgeted Libertarian wet dream replete with an all-powerful state that stripped Americans of all rights and all guns. The Homeland Security Surveillance Act was a reaction to 9/11, as if you didn't already know that. 

R. J. Reynolds (The film is made in North Carolina, get it!?!? I hereby submit this as a violation of the International Treaty Against the use of Stupid Names in Science Fiction.), played by Adrian Paul, is a Homeland Security Officer committed to the security of America. See, his wife and kid were gunned down in a playground by a crazed assassin and because of that he's perfectly happy to invade everyone's privacy if it prevents the kind of pain he felt when he lost his family. However, while tracking down a fugitive, Sankur (Dale Girard) he learns that the Eyeborgs may be fabricating evidence of guilt or innocence to benefit some unseen player. Enter Jarret Hewes, nephew of President Hewes and singer of a crappy punk rock band. Hewes is filling in for the singer who disappears before a gig in a plot element that never makes any sense (the Eyeborgs killed him for smoking). When an Eyeborg sacrifices itself to save Jarett during a police crossfire he becomes the lynchpin in exposing the nefarious plan of a TV mogul and the maker of the Eyeborgs mobile cameras to take over the country.

Adrian Paul's performance in Eyeborgs, gives Lorenzo Lamas and C. Thomas Howell a run for the title of "Worst Actor on Earth (or any other nearby planets)", but it's hard to fault him having to spout dialogue as seethingly awful as the words ostensibly though up by a human being for him to say throughout this movie. Even harder to have him swing his fists around at CGI robot cameras that are not only illogically designed (why does a camera need a blowtorch, or a rotary saw?) but horribly rendered. Never for a second could I possibly believe that the Eyeborgs (who we see in LITERALLY every scene) were actually part of the movie. 

Luke Eberl is okay as Jarret Hewes, and like Adrian Paul, has to say easily the stupidest, most obvious dialogue this side of a Ni Hao Kai Lan cartoon. The final player is Botoxinated Megan Blake as reporter Barbara Hawkins who lost her husband on 9/11 and, like Reynolds, is completely committed to delivering fair and balanced news to the audience, though while the rest of her colleagues quit in protest of the Surveillance Act she stayed on to, like Reynolds, prevent anyone else from feeling the same kind of pain she did when her husband was killed.

Danny Trejo, the current go-to guy for all cutting edge films thanks to Robert Rodriquez, shows up midway to chew scenery as G-Man, the guy who fixes guitars and hates Eyeborgs. For what it's worth, Mr. Trejo looks like he'd rather be stabbing himself in the face with pointy objects than reading his lines.

So we have two characters with identical motivations, and the punk rock kid who doesn't want to be the center of all this crap. Fine. Back to the overall plot. Everyone in the film, and I mean EVERYONE, knows they are on camera all the time yet sees no reason not to have conversations about terrorist activity, or plans, or committing known crimes like smoking and drinking, or, say wondering about the Eyeborgs, while they are being watched, or their phones are being tapped. 

The idea being that it's so ubiquitous that no one bothers reacting anymore but the act is presented as very recently passed, like, within the last few months recent so there isn't even time for people to be conditioned enough to ignore the cameras just by nature. And, it's not just street cameras, it's EVERY CAMERA ON EARTH. There are inconsistencies with how this is applied in the film too, sometimes they just bust into a place, in others they say "we need a warrant!" then go in anyway.

Either way, it's not worth watching.

It's not even funny-bad, it's just boring-bad. Director Richard Clabaugh doesn't have a steady cam so every scene is either in fake handheld or real handheld and I swear for a bit I was getting Cloverfield sick, but that might just have been from listening to Adrian Paul masticate through a million years worth of stupid expository dialogue. 

The BluRay from Image Entertainment looks great. It comes with a bunch of deleted scenes, that, should have been stitched back into the film, then deleted en mass. The disc also offers a trailer in case you want to remind yourself why watching a marathon of Mega Whatever vs Dino Whatever starring Coolio, Tiffany, Shaq, Charro, Lorenzo Lamas, Carrot Top, Webster, Ice T, Ice Cube, Vanilla Ice, and Ruth Buzzy as Kang, Master of Ninjas, is a better choice than Eyeborgs. The DVD also comes in a blue plastic box that doubles the fun of throwing Eyeborgs into the trash (though replay value is limited).

.003 pancakes per second. Do the goddamn math, already.

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