What sweet hell is this? a “JAWS” porno Parody from 1976 featuring a mermaid who performs fellatio on her “horrified” male victims before biting their penis off? “Gee, I wonder which Horrorview reviewer will be reviewing this?” you might be thinking to yourself. This is an ancient porno parody about an evil fellacious mermaid and ironically enough, this movie both sucks and blows and yet in the wrong ways. Let us carefully filet this “fish N’ chicks” flick apart and yet toss it in the garbage anyway afterward like so many worthless fins and scales. With a sixty-five minute running time it’s probably not “long enough to keep” anyway.
The first thing you will notice about this film is that it is incredibly cheap and stupid. And when I say cheap and stupid I am also allowing for all classical porno plots which suggest that you can buy a pizza from strangers with sex, all women are secretly bisexual and ugly people or children simply do not exist anywhere. This film screws up this usual beautiful, utopian flesh netherworld by giving us a creature, a mermaid in fact, that bites off male parts and spits up rubber dildos (representing severed body parts) to be washed up on the beach to be collected as evidence by the “effeminate” police detective Deputy Dick. All characters are unconvincing and drenched in cheap and stupid including the mermaid who is completely devoid of special effect or partial fish suit-merely portrayed by naked Porn actress Terri Hall. There is also a Nazi in full military dress named “Captain Carl Clitoris” who blathers on in hateful and random propaganda about mermaids on the rare occasion he makes any sense at all. The Quint character named Captain Seymour Smegma has a thing for blow up dolls and there is a scene where he openly copulates with one along with “Sheriff Rooster Coxswain”. Of course if you don’t like the actors and their botched, cheap incarnations stolen from the popular Spielberg work, just hang on to the end during the film’s final sex scene where all of the male actors are inexplicably replaced by tiny puppets during the final “money shot” in what I am guessing is a possible last ditch attempt to include some “visible wood” onscreen though only in technicality.
Of course my problem with the film has nothing to do with the fact it is dumb, cheap, ugly and the opposite of “hot” but that the bulk of it is filled with X rated sex scenes completely censored, obliterated by cartoon pictures of tubes of toothpaste, sea creatures or the mangiest mix of crudely drawn garbage I have ever seen used as a black bar. While I certainly have no problem with soft-core adult works of “naughty film” and freely admit that they can every bit as erotic as XXX rated if the production values are awesome enough and they pull the usual masterful bait and switch litany of camera angles that always “sell the sizzle not the steak” there is nothing I hate more sent to me in a box than an X rated film from thirty years ago which has its “hottest footage” censored, edited and destroyed until the film itself is only sixty five minutes in length. This review is an open letter to sleaze fans as well as all retailers who send me this stuff. If you must send me filth, you must send me the most uncut, LEGAL version of a given title in existence or you will suffer for stealing the sixty minutes from my life, which cut smut usually seems to run. I do not want them, and they keep clogging my paper shredder.
Now in the interest of fairness, I must offer a divergent opinion than my own. In researching this film for my review I discovered that it has a certain cult following on the web, though (all pretentiousness aside) I imagine it is by people who haven’t seen as much film filth as I or at least got to see the REAL version. What do you think? If edited porn costing $24.95 a disk strikes your fancy, here is a link where you can purchase this long forgotten (and strangely sought after) cult film for yourself.
Justify this film to me, if not my hatred of it by your usual deathly silence in the comments below.
For a film named GUMS this flick really dragged its teeth on me, rubbed me raw in the worst possible way. Extras include a reshot cover involving a young pretty girl who didn’t even star in it. What a nice touch, like trying to make a pile of old fish heads smell better by putting them in a new shiny pink bucket.