Oh man, where do I begin? Mother always told me "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." Well, sorry Ma, but it's my job, no MY DUTY, to warn you people about this movie. I joked a lot on the board about "taking one for the team" and man, does my ass hurt after this one. House of the Dead is the first movie I have EVER walked out on.
Video Game spinoffs are a hit or miss category, usually faltering if the movie follows the game in a linear fashion. The movie will also fail if it holds absolutely no relevance to the video game. Certain success stories for video game to movies are Resident Evil and well, err... Resident Evil. Failures include the famed Mario Bros., Tomb Raider (don't even say it was good), and Wizard. Okay, okay! Wizard wasn't based on a video game, but Fred Savage is so damn gay! House of the Dead has now taken control of the failures list with a choke hold that will never be broken. So on with the atrocities!
Plot? We don't need no stinkin' plot! So says you Dr. Uwe Boll. In short, a group of wealthy twenty-somethings have been invited to the "Rave of the Century" on the Isla Del Morte, or Island of Death. They miss the initial boat to the island, so they charter a smuggler's fishing boat headed by Captain Kirk (Prochnow) and his first mate Salish (Howard). Believe it or not, Prochnow put forth an excellent performance in the movie, but sadly, his efforts were all for naught. Anyways, Kirk's ship is being tailed by Government agents to the island, which, coincidentally is abandoned once the group gets there. What ensues after the boat's landing is the worst, no exaggeration, series of events I have ever seen.
The group boards the island where Captain Kirk and Salish unload their smuggled goods to keep from Uncle Sam's agents. All the party goers head off to the rave sight, but find no one partying. Awww man, where are the Coors Light twins? Oh yeah, they're in a good movie...... So the group of morons decide to split up and look for the rest of the ravers, in the pitch black, on a deserted island. Hmmm......
Major complaint No. 1 - I thought that the House of the Dead actually had to do with a house, not an island......
So stuck on Island of the Dead, our heroes run into a throng of zombies that aren't really zombies, more like overqualified ADD patients. I mean, when was the last time you saw a group of zombies that were ready to compete in a decathlon? These fuckers were pumped and awfully active for dead people. Kinda reminded me of 28 Days Later, but wait, that was a good movie too. So there ya' have it folks....... Dead people, a deserted island, and a group of young naive Americans. And oh yeah, Captain Kirk just happened to be smuggling guns and cigars...... Coincidence? Nah, just another shitty movie.
What sets House of the Dead apart from successful Video Game to Movie spinoffs is that House actually uses video game footage throughout the whole movie. So when you're watching an action scene that may be somewhat interesting, you cut to a scene of the game and reach instant annoyance. And what the fuck is with the Scooby Doo like profiling of the 8 people that fight to get off the island? You see the group of them marching with a small army of weapons then all of a sudden motion stops, and they do a 360 of the person shooting a bullet or doing a jump kick. Is this shit for real? Did I actually pay to see this movie? And yes, when the character dies, the same 360 shot is taken and a red background befalls our *hero*. What a complete fucking joke.
The special effects may have well been done by "special" people. I thought I saw a few "Jerry's Kids" bumper stickers in the movie, who the fuck knows. I was too busy counting the fucking hairs on my arm waiting for celluloid Armageddon. I mean, if you're going to put out a new age horror movie, don't insult the fans by substituting with CGI blood and brown bag masks. Michael Jackson's Thriller had far superior special effects and I can guarantee that they didn't spend half as much making their zombies. And please, please tell me where they found the actors to do this movie. With the exception of Prochnow and Howard, the rest of the cast might as well have been the Dell interns. Hey guys, two words - ACTING LESSONS.
So this morning, I am infuriated that I paid to see this movie. Furthermore, I am disappointed that the video game franchise that I have grown to love has now become tainted by this abomination of a movie. If you thought Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo were bad in the Mario Bros. movie, well my friend, you haven't seen the House of the Dead yet. Yes, this is the House of the Dead, and it is my duty to bury it. Fuck you Uwe Boll, fuck you SEGA, and fuck the MPAA for allowing this piece of animal stool to grace the fabric of the silver screen.