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I Am Virgin

Review by: 
Release Date: 
Cheezy Flicks
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
Sean Skelding
Hank Cartwright
Jamison Challeen
Amber Chase
Bottom Line: 

The subject of male virginity has almost always been a topic treated with a crass and comedic approach especially when it is the focus of a film.  From the exploits of the kids in PORKY’S all the way to the first AMERICAN PIE movie, it seems sexual frustration and its comedic depictions of backseat fumbling and bumbling by young boys seeking to achieve their manhood always amounts to a wacky film, even when it is somehow attempting to be endearing or convey some sort of mature message about love or relationships in general. In a similar vein, I AM VIRGIN is a horror comedy set in an post-apocalyptic world where there are few men left and the world is populated solely by (pierced, tattooed stripper) vampires who wish to have sex with a young virgin named Bobby and make him one of them forever; a thought that fills him with a terrible dread. 

Before you can start to question this young boy’s sexuality (as I did, admittedly), it should be stated that Bobby has several severe hang ups about sex despite the fact he is obviously addicted to pornography.  It seems his parents were repressive religious types who warned him about the evil ways of women and, needless to say, he is both intrigued and completely terrified of these clothing optional undead “trampires” which now seem to infest the known world.  Further complicating matters is the fact that he is a traditional romantic at his very core. As such, Bobby seeks a first time with one special woman who will love him forever, not merely have sex with him and make him yet another “creature of the night”. Bobby travels with his best friend, Billy the Basset Hound, and scours the wasteland for a cure (if only for his aching heart) in what is, obviously, a soft-core parody of I AM LEGEND.  Does it work?  Only on the most superficial level, as its soft-core and ultimate message seem to actually cancel each other out by the end of the film making you wonder what it is you have just seen…or why?

With this plot preamble out of the way there isn’t much to this movie except for repeated scenes of Bobby showing up at various locations with shotgun and basset hound in tow only to eavesdrop on  a couple of vampires having scenes of thematic location sex stolen from Cinemax late night.  Admittedly, the entire female cast looks attractive enough, and it seems that the actors in this film might “actually be getting it on” (though I can’t really be sure with that always fickle camera angle that never reveals the one thing you want it to). Of course, the vampire chicks soon discover that they are being watched by someone who they can detect as a virgin (by their developed vampire super smell), and they quickly chase him away from the scene in the hope of seducing him too.  Even though Bobby is armed with a shotgun and a sidearm and carries his faithful dog with him wherever he goes, he is always quick to beat a hasty retreat at the first sign of attention of the insatiable succubae, proving to be neither a lover nor a fighter in the end.  

There are plenty of movies consisting of nothing but repetitive soft-core sex scenes, and, as a sexploitation enthusiast, I’m not as judgmental as your average reviewer might be regarding them, but my one complaint in this instance is that the gimmick of Bobby discovering vampires having sex and then being chased away within fifteen is repeated no less than four times. The nonexistent plot serves as nothing more than a springboard to play as many sex scenes as possible utilizing as many different rough looking but reasonably attractive actresses as possible. For those of who liked Bobby and want to see him somehow succeed in his quest for love, let’s just say that the ultimate resolution of I AM VIRGIN may bring you no greater sense of closure or validation than the many sexual situations Bobby stumbles upon ultimately bring to himself.

Eventually this simple, stupid film gets to a place I like to call anti-plot; the point where a movie actually cancels out its main message or theme as expressed thus far.  Near the end of this movie Bobby meets a character named Paul (Played by Ron Jeremy) who gives Bobby the sage advice that he can have as much sex with as many vampire women as he desires so as long as he doesn’t feel guilty about it, as, without guilt, you will not change into a fanged, fleshfiend.  His mind suddenly at ease, Bobby quickly makes a beeline to the local strip club which is filled to the brim with as many pairs of fake breasts and fake fangs as any jaded B-movie reviewer could hope for. Understandably, the demon women are all over him as they want to be his first.  It is then that Bobby does something that might have been a touching, romantic gesture in any other film; he decides he is going to wait until he finds a woman he actually is in love with before he has sex.  The vampire women are all incredibly understanding at his decision, and let him leave as they bicker amongst themselves disappointedly.  Look, I was willing to accept the fact they actually cast Ron Jeremy as a wise man, considering the unique nature of this young man’s major malfunction relating to matters of intimacy, but when the protagonist seems to be making an ultimate statement about the romantic wonder of falling in love by choosing to remain celibate in a film that had more onscreen nudity than most X-rated pornography, I can honestly say that the message is confusing to the point where it in incomprehensible. Some may say I gave away the entire plot to this movie, but, as you can see, this is impossible, as no one can explain such a senseless, porn-infused paradox such as this for it makes no fucking sense. (pun intended).

Still, I Am Virgin is loaded with sex scenes, so it’s got that going for it.

Special Features include trailers, a behind the scenes feature and interview with the director and star.

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