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Iron Man XXX

Review by: 
Sinferno
Release Date: 
2011
Studio: 
Extreme Comixxx
Genre: 
Adult/Parody
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
1 NTSC
Aspect Ratio: 
1.85:1
Directed by: 
Robert Black
Cast: 
Seth Gamble
Chanel Preston
Heather Starlet
Movie: 
4
Extras: 
4
Bottom Line: 
4
Video: 
Click to Play

It is time for a painful confession on my part; an embarrassing omission every bit as troubling to me as the exact moment when I show a nice girl my video collection for the first time.  I am going to admit that I actually like the IRON MAN movies.  From a critical viewpoint I know how wrong this is to admit openly. I know that they are largely empty, shrill, and soulless with only a scant amount of actual human emotion in them.  The bastard onscreen offspring of a vintage SUPERMAN Movie and a forgotten TRANSFORMERS sequel they defy the quality plot conventions that people commonly expect in a classic superhero film. Most every film about a “Comic Book Hero” features the usual slow and steady character arc development of a joyless, downtrodden man who rebuilds himself up from a personal defeat to harness science, magics or technology to kick major ass like a “Radioactive Rocky Balboa”. Yet, in an IRON MAN film, what we get are the further stories of a precocious, plutocrat industrialist playboy who has always had every plaything known to man and whose greatest enemy is not actually the ubiquitous opposing force of enemy robots, but his own off-putting egomaniacal ways where he discovers his own humanity in the final moments of every film and realizes, humbly, that he is actually a man after all. Insert some explosions and some vintage English heavy metal songs and you have a summer movie that knows exactly what it is and promises more of the same in every installment to the easy satisfaction of action moviegoers  who  love onscreen explosions in air conditioned theaters during the hot months. As we are now in summer, the film season of the 'splosion, this franchise's particular “Rockem Sockem robot formula” will be a likely success if not an “IRON Clad” assurance with, as of this writing, the release of Iron Man 3 today in the states.

When I heard that there was YET ANOTHER adult film version of IRON MAN, I figured why not? It’s not like the delicate mystique of this particular “balls of steel” cartoon character is particularly emotionally deep or detailed in delicate mythos. Moreover all of the characters of this particular comic book franchise (Pepper Potts, Justin Hammer, Happy Hogan ”Iron Man” himself) sound like porn star pseudonyms anyway so one can’t say that this rendition is altogether unthinkable.

This film reprises the pivotal moment from the end of IRON MAN where Tony Stark announces to the world that he is indeed Iron Man. A sound-alike version of AC/DC’s “Highway To Hell” plays furiously in the background, teetering dangerously close to the legal 12% of the copyrighted tune.  After a brief press conference, Stark hangs out backstage with one of his male bodyguards, friend and chauffer “Happy Hogan”, and has a three way with a pretty blonde reporter. While admittedly this sounds like the exact opposite sort of service you might be expecting from your hired head of security, Tony Stark is dropping snide-and-snappy comebacks the entire time they “entertain” her, so you know the situation is well within the reckless playboy parameters which he lives his every waking moment.  The actor who plays Tony Stark (Seth Gamble) is a reasonable facsimile of Robert Downey Jr’s portrayal of Stark except his usual roguish charm in this reboot is more crass and flat than actually funny, but one may chalk it up to the elevation/corruption of the source material into a triple XXX sex film, understandably. 

Meanwhile, familiar forces have begun to align against Tony; foes first introduced in Iron Man 2. It seems that Justin Hammer (and his daughter Justine from the comic book) is still plotting to steal the super suit with the aid of the Hammer Reactor (the unstable knockoff version of Tony Stark’s heart). Meanwhile, in another part of town, an oversexed harlequin named Madame Masque (from the comic) is contemplating revenge, and releasing none other than The Incredible Hulk from a wooden shipping container. Really? 

Of course, in true form, Stark has no time for these pressing matters, so he is off drinking at his  penthouse when Pepper Potts shows up with Black Widow, played by none other than Chanel Preston (Lara Croft from Tomb Raider XXX).  Stark, of course, suggests a three way, but, because Pepper Potts is every bit as annoyingly bipolar as she is in the real movie, and Black Widow is way too bitchy and “dominatrixy”, Tony’s advances are rebuked just as Iron Man is summoned to thwart the use of the Hammer Reactor at a competing press conference.  Later, Black Widow and Stark discuss the sudden appearance of Hulk at the press conference and we get a flashback where the Hulk puts some “green” into Black. In my review of Captain America XXX, I remember complaining that there was no actual Hulk, that David Banner had a sex scene yet Hulk did not, and how much of a cop out it seemed.  Little did I know the difficulty of shooting a sex scene with a naked actor clad only in bright green wet, tempera paint, because, by the conclusion of the scene, Natasha Romanoff looked a strange mess; as the various liquid elements of the scene combined, congealed actually, until the end of the scene looked like she was half sex star, half Shamrock Shake. (ed note - Yuck and LOL)

Later, at Hammertech, Justin is entertaining Kathy Dare; a dangerous blonde (from the comic books) who is in love with Tony Stark. Justin seems to know of the hidden menace her obsession may present to Stark on a future date and he tells her that he will arrange a meeting if she shows her appreciation for his matchmaking service by having sex with him in a strangely generic scene on a conference table that could have been at home in any adult film ever made. During this scene I had an epiphany; I can see finally why IRON MAN and HAMMER are such bitter enemies.  Not only are they both the modern day “Tesla” And “Edison” of the portable nuclear power source, but it seems they can only truly be inspired to plan great acts of respective heroism or villainy while letching out on anonymous groupies.  Oh well; comics are visual narratives by their very nature, and action like this was never truly vicariously experienced with a stroke of a mere pen.

While daddy plays matchmaker, Justine Hammer tracks down the enigmatic Madame Masque.  At first, she threatens her life for the inconvenience of Hulk’s interference at the Hammer Press conference, but then it is decided they should join forces.  By “join forces” I mean, of course, that they immediately have an angry, “cat in heat” three-way with Justine’s bodyguard; a scene that gives new, never before seen definition to “using protection” in an adult film.

Cut to Ironman back home drinking and playing with J.A.R.V.I.S., his robotic computer interactive terminal. Pepper Potts returns long enough to challenge his irresponsible life choices and stomps off for the thirtieth time in one of these films after giving a whiney speech.  Because he is a man of honor, and completely whipped, he pops in a power source and ends up poisoning himself with Palladium as he did in episode 2, likely because he was hung over at the time and I am guessing this is a hidden reference to Robert Downy Jr’s fun years.

He awakens as just Pepper contacts him through his console on an Emergency Frequency. It seems the bad people have taken her. A reprise of the AC/DC absconded soundtrack coupled with some blue screen flight effects, a laser blast fight with a Hammer Generator aided Hulk, and some assorted kicks and punches later, Pepper Potts is saved. After much ado and four hours of the original films' worth of stupid, cutesy banter that finally amounted to a pathetic peck on the cheek in Iron Man 2, Tony and Pepper are finally “doing it” on the floor of his garage where his lit various Iron Suits adorn an alcove in a far wall, and a white Audi R8 sits idly by, looking like the second hottest ride in the film. I liked this scene; it was actually a normal, sexual moment involving two characters who actually “had mad longing” for each other, and gave this thing something of, dare I say, a “traditional” romantic ending that fans have been waiting for; a true fusion of flesh and steel that is the original films most crucial, underlying theme (and without all the usual passive aggressive emotional blackmail games of Pepper Potts).

The final scene of the movie is Stark giving yet another Press Conference just as Kathy Dare does the only noteworthy thing-she ever did in the comic; she shoots Tony in the spine. Gee I wonder if there will be a sequel?

Brought to us by Extreme Comixxx, Iron Man XXX is obviously inspired by the plots of IRON MAN 1 AND 2. While everyone who has seen IRON MAN will recognize the distinctive look of the suit and his many gizmos and toys which are recreated in near flawless detail, it was through much research that I realized that every character featured in this film was actually a known player in the IRON MAN universe, and even when regarding those obscure characters who have yet to appear onscreen in an IRON MAN film, it should be said that the uniforms and the presentation of the various characters were absolutely accurate.  While I don’t particularly like comics (movies are more my thing), for those of you that do, there was obviously lots of work that went into this, yet, if your only familiar with the IRON MAN of the movies, much of this character lore will be lost on you.  The film is a bit too ambitious in certain places. For the first time in an Extreme Comixxx, some of the elaborate costume props didn’t seem to work onscreen. During one scene Tony Stark’s Arc Reactor Light kept sliding off of his body, and the aforementioned scenes with the Hulk were just a big green mess. Action sequences are also largely limited to showing the superheroes in transit instead of actually putting a beat down on someone and all fight scenes are only seconds in length.

Still, the one hallmark of a decent porno parody is the fact that it gives us sights and delights that the original source material cannot and will not; things many fans have always secretly wanted to see and never admitted to anyone, not even our unsuspecting movie date, who may share our physical armrest but not our thoughts on the degree of “pounding and banging” action truly belongs in a summer superhero movie.

This Iron Man understands. 

Special Features include a second disk full of bonus material including a slide show of those ever-present scenes of “coolant leaks”.

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