The world is running out of lesbians.
Day walking vampires are feeding on women who love women, and the church has to take drastic means to stem the tide. This is the sign of the apocalypse, and it’s time to summon the Messiah to vanquish the evil undead and restore order to the world once again!
Christ (Phil Caracas) doesn’t want to fight, but soon his baptisms are interrupted by a trio of vampires, and Christ is forced into battle. Jesus whips up some kung fu goodness, overcoming two of the undead chicks but allowing one to escape. Despite his pacifist wishes, he knows the time has come.
Soon, JC is clean-shaven, sporting a military haircut, and healing old ladies and wheelchair bound goth chicks. He partners with Father Eustace (Tim Devries) who provides intel on the missing members of the congregation, including the woman who almost killed him. If the Messiah didn’t have enough issues, he is soon challenged by a clown car full of atheist thugs, which opens up a comical fight scene involving elbows, shoes, and an afro pick. The fight finale is like the boss fights in Street Fighter 2. Beat each bad guy to move up the ladder.
Jesus is soon met by the tough-as-nails Mary Magnum, who joins him in his research in the fight against the lesbian-stealing vampires. The duo soon learns that Johnny Golgotha is the head of the undead and the one behind the theft of lesbians. His mad scientists are using lesbians to provide sunlight-sensitive skin to vampires, because no one will miss lesbians.
Jesus loses his first bout with Johnny, setting up a revenge match (probably on pay per view). When God (in the form of a bowl of cherries) gives him advice, Jesus soon teams up with the patron saint of wrestlers, Santos (Jeff Moffett.) Santos and Christ soon start their campaign, staking vampires with drumsticks, crutches and chopsticks at a vampire open mic night.
For a finale, Jesus and Santos have a winner take all fight in a junkyard. Can the Holy one save lesbians throughout mankind, defeat auto parts-wielding evil lesbians, stop a mad scientist wielding intestines, and save mankind? AND sing about it?
JCVH is bad, but it knows it’s bad. Anyone who sees it will know that, but a horror viewer doesn’t seek out a film like this expecting Citizen Kane. Fans of Troma films will enjoy Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.
Viewers will have to overcome plenty of flaws to enjoy the film, like the short, white Jesus (who is neither), the scene hopping between Canada and the States, and the fact that a fat luchador saves the savior himself. If you’re watching JCVH, these are the least of your worries.
JCVH has its share of bizarre social commentary. Jesus is willing to save lesbians when regular society isn’t. He is dismissed by priests and cops alike, but saved by a hairy, bilingual transvestite. Mother Mary’s commentary on lesbians is particularly positive.
All of the audio in JCVH is done post-production. The dialogue rarely matches up to the actors’ lines and the fight scenes have more pops and snaps than the Five Deadly Venoms. The film’s soundtrack ranges from electronic to Broadway dance number.
JCVH was shot on weekends over two years. The film won the Audience Award at the 2002 Santa Cruz Film Festival, and the Best Cult Film Award at the 2002 Fargo Film Festival.
JCVH is one of the 150+ to use the Wilhem Scream in its audio effects, joining every Star Wars movie, Lord of the Rings film, Inglorious Basterds, Them!, Poltergeist, Cars, Raiders of the Lost Ark and countless others.
Extras include commentary tracks with almost anyone involved with the film, plus interviews, outtakes and deleted scenes totaling over an hour.
Check out more on JCVH at the film’s official site HERE.