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Justice League of Pornstar Heroes

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Release Date: 
Exquisite Pictures
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Directed by: 
Sinister X
Chanel Preston
Amber Rain
Roxanne Hall
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Note: This is a review of a XXX  porn parody and isn't meant for easily offended eyes, hardcore Christian types, or people who flinch at the mere thought of Ron Jeremy nude. You have been warned - 'ed.

The secret sexuality of superheroes has long catered to something very male and wrong to me. My very first moments of sexual awakening occurred while watching an episode of BATMAN on afternoon reruns. Now before you accuse Sinferno being a closet fan of men in underwear, rubber masks and capes, let me say the episode was called Louie's Lethal Lilac Time Part 3 and involved Batgirl clad in a tight purple glittery bodysuit being held prisoner in an airtight glass box while Louie The Lilac (Milton Berle) pontificated with his evil Asian henchwoman about what to do with her, and it seems they were going to immerse her in hot oil and then boil her into a type of perfume. Here is the clip in case you think I am making this up or remembering it wrong.

Seems so innocent now as seen decades later, doesn’t it?  And yet this one scene gave me a strange tension and a secret sweatiness that I have never known before in my existence as a normal five year old boy. This was the day my childhood ended forever. Of course, it wasn’t until puberty when I learned where perfume actually came from (I was so let down) or why women wear it in the first place but this was probably the watershed moment where I became borne as a lover of exploitation, if not an admirer of films featuring attractive, scantily clad women in fantastic costumes being confined in helpless scenarios while fat ugly villains smugly plot silly, stupid and suggestive things to do with them while laughing maniacally. Yet even as I have (almost unintentionally) amassed quite a collection of films with this exact same plot, each featuring plots that range in severity from BARBARELLA to L.A. BLUE GIRL I still can’t forget where and when this film fetish was borne so many years ago.  

This is why when I saw the above movie poster for THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF PORNSTAR HEROS something within me just kind of snapped.  I contacted the studio heads and told them that a review of this film would play well will our resulting audience of geeks, freaks and sci-fi nuts who, like me, have been teased with this sort of sexy superhero action their entire lives through afternoon television serials. Let us take a look at what happens when our cherished D.C. comic book superheroes are “fucked with”, in perhaps the simplest, sexiest interpretation of the phrase.

The first thing you will notice is how awesome the costumes of the various characters are in the brief moments before they remove them.  All featured characters are clad in the most recent Hollywood representation of their chosen personas, with the exception of Batman and Robin who look like they are refugees from the 1960’s TV show.  The one obvious difference is all characters have their individual crest or logo replaced with an “X” but yet they still refer to each other and themselves by their copyrighted actual names, so no one can accuse them of playing it safe.

But pornography by its very nature is always based on the simple absence of clothes more so than the exquisite, authentic wardrobes and it would be wrong to judge this film solely on the hypersexualized Bizarro world wardrobe of the principles.  It seems the legion of Doom has set a bomb somewhere in the world of Porntropolis and our intrepid Heroes each split up and then square off against a Villain character in various scenes that start with various fighting words of bravado, escalate to some basic computer effects to represent hand to hand combat and then end with scenes of sex, which usually ends with someone being taken prisoner or brainwashed in the closing moments of the high concept love making between the two foes (now turned lovers).

The sex, while rather mainstream adult fare is as explicit as you can imagine it to be (except for no token girl on girl scene whatsoever) and the actors and actresses are all physically fit enough to simulate the hand drawn physiques of their chosen alter ego personas. As the ultimate comic cliffhanger (and profiteering) move you will soon discover that this episode is actually part one of a two part series which has obviously already been filmed, but will be available for sale later.  There is six hours of content on the enclosed two disks, but most of it is behind the scenes special features where porn stars are interviewed for what seems (and actually amounts to) hours. The main feature is two hours and eighteen minutes long while the remaining 3+ hours of content on the second disk is largely filler, including behind the scenes antics of porn stars commenting on their “characters”, some “between the shots” moments where the actors goof around with stage props and generally just “jack around” (and not in the way you would hope). Perhaps more relevantly, the second disk contains the last ten seconds of every scene in the main feature. 

This being said and done, while I dug the look of the wardrobe, the Power Rangers inspired special effects of the mock combats and the blaring title graphics which looked like they were taken from a wrestling show intro, I wish they would have captured more of the magic and the unique goofiness of the superhero characters themselves and adapted them to the porno world, the source material is everywhere and comic book fans would appreciate the hidden jokes.  For example, if I had written this, I would have made The Flash a premature ejaculator, I would have made Poison Ivy’s “female flower” an orifice that would infect everyone who touched it a maddening, mind-bending, wacky green venereal rash and in the case of the scene where Batman And Robin finish onto Catwoman’s face I would have put a big 


on the screen.  Any of these tired comic book tricks and tropes would have made a cheap but insanely authentic touch to this superhero porno-rama that would have busted its audience’s nut in a way seldom achieved by most adult film, and that is by the use of some sorely needed wit and humor. Still if you have ever wandered into a Comicon and found yourself wondering what it would look like like if the booth babes clad in cleavage conscious costumes of copyrighted characters ever engaged in adult scenarios that sixty years of comic books only hinted at, this is a whole different kind of “Graphic Novel” adaption.

As previously stated extras include a second disk full of content that is largely nonsexual except for the 7 minute “Cum Reel”.

The people at Exquisite Films really want you to know that their Extreme Comixxx collection of film won the 2012 best new line award from AVN.  I would keep an eye on this studio, while I wish this one would have been more quietly credible as well as “fantastic”, they do seem to be tapped into the pulse of comic book fans, porno heads and perhaps everyone else in the 18-35 demographic who will never know the touch of a real life woman.  Just kidding of course, but personally I got more of a schoolboy tingle seeing black leather clad Scarlett Johansen tied to a chair in the new AVENGERS movie than most of the full penetration stuff seen here, but then again I always considered myself something of a sexploitation romantic who thrives on symbolism and dark insinuations that twists me in subtle; secret ways. Still, after an entire childhood of being teased by tight spandex clad super heroine sexpots who never had visible nipples I did find this to be somehow oddly cathartic to my adult nature even if it was kind of silly; lacking in even the character development and intricate writing of the simple kid’s comics which inspired this.  

Here is the main site for Extreme Comixxx where you can check out other products in the series. It is “safe for work”, but note your childhood memories may be forever “Kryptonited” as mine were.

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