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Nine Lives

Review by: 
Release Date: 
A & A Productions
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
Andrew Green
Rosie Fellner
Vivienne Harvey
Paris Hilton
Patrick Kennedy
David Leitch
Bottom Line: 

When nine friends go off for the weekend to the Scottish Highlands for some fun, obviously the drink flows, relationships rekindle and it’s all fun and games, until of course they get snowed in…  That’s when the drama starts and an uninvited guest makes its appearance.  The restless spirit of Murray, an old Scot patriot unleashes havoc as it is dead set on killing all the guests, moving from one person to the next… Only one person will survive, who will it be?

I bought Nine Lives without really reading the back of the DVD not so long ago; it was on the horror rack of the DVD shop and seeing as I’d already basically bought anything proper in the shop, I just grabbed it and checked out.  Little did I know what lay in store for me.  Firstly, if I had known Paris Hilton starred in the movie, I’d have most probably put down the DVD right there and then, for obvious reasons (please see the House of Wax remake for more evidence on this particular subject).  However this wasn’t the worst part of the film; we have bad acting, the directing wasn’t much better, and the plot, one that sounds good if you read up on it, didn’t really show through, seeing as how bad the rest of the film was.  In fact, if I haven’t seen worse films than Nine Lives before, I’d have said it was a total fail.  Think about it for one moment, how bad is a movie really, when the best part about it (and the best actress) is Paris Hilton?  To make it worse, poor Hilton gets killed off early on, so what do we have left? 

I can tell you now, as far as films go, Nine Lives was, for all intents and purposes, a yawnfest, with a few good ideas that were unfortunately not realized on screen.  I would have thought that, by now, horror filmmakers would have realised that if you don’t have a good movie, at least show some flesh, but, with Nine Lives, we don’t even have the privilege of seeing boobies!  The kills were lame and, while I usually try to find some sort of positive to write about when reviewing a movie (it isn’t quite as easy to make one as one would think) but, like another one of the films that goes on my personal “Loser List”, Psychosis, there’s really not much good I can say about Nine Lives. 

A rant is a rant, of course, but Nine Lives was getting the better version of me.  With a parental guidance rating of 13 for violence, one shouldn't expect too much in terms of sex and violence. But what about the story? For heaven’s sake, the film is as confusing as vomit in a tumble dryer, and this tale of paranormal possession absolutely fails to bring anything cinematically worthy to the table.

If I can give you any sort of advice, it would be to avoid Nine Lives at all costs.  If you see it on the DVD rack, turn around and walk out of the shop immediately before the crappiness rubs off on you.  If you by some chance see it in the bargain bin, don’t touch it, it will most probably infect you with the very same form of extreme verbal diarrhoea I'm displaying here....if not something worse!

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