Don't you just love the internet? It makes it ever-so-easy to buy things. In particular, it makes it easy to buy things on impulse. Which is how a certain man (let's call him "Mr. Blonde") went online, saw a DVD with an eye-catching title, and clicked "Proceed to checkout." The film: Nude For Satan.
Nude For Satan has something of a checkered history. Apparently it made its debut in Italy in '74, had a dismal reception, and has been languishing in a film vault ever since. Now Redemption Films has made Nude For Satan available to fans of Italian horror and/or insomniac husbands with tendencies to impulse-buy.
The movie starts off quite promisingly. A lesbian vampire chomps on the neck of a bare-breasted woman and we see some lovely shots of blood all over the place. Oh, wait. That's the Redemption Films promo. Never mind.
You're probably guessing that the title Nude For Satan is far more interesting than the film itself, and you'd be exactly right. The film does start nicely, with gawdawful 1970s synth music that sounds like an Emerson Lake and Palmer reject, then in slow motion, a woman goes running through the woods wearing a gauzy white nightgown, which is completely open down the front so you get to see her running totally naked. Full frontal nudity in the first three minutes!
Then we cut to William Benson (Stelio Candelli, dubbed to sound like Marcello Mastroianni or whatever his name was from La Dolce Vita after a three-day drinking binge) driving in his Volkswagen Beetle. By the way, Nude For Satan also has one of the worst opening credit scenes ever. The beetle comes to a stop, then the credits roll over a freeze frame of the headlights. Ouch. Where DID I leave that Visine?
Benson swerves to avoid a ghostly apparation. When he spins out and comes to a stop, the apparition has disappeared. Then another car spins out, presumably avoiding the same apparation, and Susan (Rita Calderoni, frequently naked) crashes her car. William is presumably a doctor, but he manhandles the unconscious Susan out of the car and carries her to his car (no spine board for her!). Then his car won't start so he goes to find help, just happening to knock on the door of a gloomy old castle.
William enters the castle. Opening doors, he finds a creepy old guy with a knife in his neck, and some people having sex. Then he finds a woman who seems to be the double of Susan, but who keeps calling him "Peter" and treating him like her long-lost love. Soon Susan, apparently recovered from the car wreck, shows up at the castle and meets a fancily dressed gentleman who can appear wherever he chooses, and also has the power to make Susan's clothes magically disappear. It's never stated, but Mr. Fancy Dresser is Satan, I guess. The dapper demon offers Susan a bed for the night, which she ludicrously accepts. Assorted hijinks, including but not limited to gratuitous lesbian encounters, whippings, black magic rites, a dream sequence involving psychedelic candles and yards of billowing chiffon, the single phoniest giant spider I have ever seen, some of the flimsiest underwear I have ever seen, a mysterious medallion, and more things that should be interesting but manage to be quite boring, ensue.
The film slows to a crawl when William's evil double shows up and bores us all silly with some monologue about time having no meaning and the "darker selves" which might help straighten out the plot if the dubbing weren't so awful. An attempt is made to liven things up with a nude Satanic orgy. I'm no expert on nude Satanic orgies, but this seems to be a rather dull one.
The performances are unremarkable. Calderoni is naked frequently, so if that's your cup of tea (it's not mine) go ahead and enjoy. The special effects are laughable, the cinematography is nice but nothing to write home about. The music sounds like bad 1970s progressive rock, heavy on the synths. Nude For Satan isn't "so bad it's good". It's one of the dullest films I've ever seen. So why does Nude For Satan avoid a "total shit" rating? And why does it stay in my DVD collection?
Because of the title. You've got to admit it's an eye-catcher.
The DVD extras are, like the film itself, wholly unremarkable. There are English and Italian versions of the film and a trailer. The film does look good considering its age and the time it's spent on the shelf. Just don't believe what the DVD box says about "graphic violence". There isn't any. Unfortunately.